there is hope

I have never spoken about this before but I feel that maybe people can use this as inspiration. Something has happened to me that will change my life forever.

I have lived with schizophrenia my whole life which has lead to insomnia, bipolar, depression, lack of confidence, loss of personality…the list goes on. At a young age, I landed myself in a mental health unit, dosed up on stupid amounts of anti-psychotics and sleeping tablets with little to no contact with the outside world. They wanted to keep me there for a long time, as a docile zombie, drugged up and staring at walls with no concept of time. My psychiatrist from the outside world had made one small comment to a member of staff that they may be overdosing me which was in-turn causing me to reflect other symptoms of problems that I didn’t have, then wrongly diagnosing me. I ate this concept right up and my paranoia turned all of the staff into these evil nazi figures in my head. All of their intentions had now been turned into one evil agenda to keep me locked away for the rest of my life. I started to play the game and behaved exactly as i thought they wanted me to, and still no sign of a discharge date. I ended up buying my own con and was convinced that all I needed now was to be around my friends and family, so I devised an escape plan. After a few weeks of watching their patterns, making mental notes of the gaps in their system I was able to slip out and head for home, keeping my head down on the way. Convinced that the medication and the doctors were evil, I completely dropped everything and decided I could deal with it on my own.

Years passed and I clearly wasn’t okay, I went through the craziest of episodes and have been to the very edge of life, coming closer to death than ever before, to the point of complete acceptance of it. I have destroyed peoples lives, wrecked relationships and left images in so many peoples minds that they can never erase. This has always left me riddled with such intense regret and remorse, such self hate. My desire to love and be loved has only ever resulted in sadness and tragedy.

More years pass, still no medication. I find myself in a position where I have built a life around me where every aspect is designed as a defence mechanism for my issues and triggers. Everyone around me has been made to understand in depth of why i may behave the way I do, and my twisted lifestyle choices. I found drugs and explored them intensely, constantly chasing the high. I live mostly alone, I work, sleep and party when I feel is right for me. Talk about selfishness! Being lucky enough to have a supportive family and a select few supportive friends, I have been able to place myself in a unique position where I have completely hidden from the pressures of reality. Which is why my long-term relationships never work out, because it’s too much to ask to drag someone into that life. And as the pressure, paranoia, depression builds, the relationship breaks down.

The white coats finally caught up with me with great concern for my wellbeing and the safety of others. They tried for years to get me on full time medication, counselling and have a healthy routine to which I tried my best to oblige. Any kind of routine frightens and depresses me so putting a system in place to try and help just makes things worse, though I do have to admit, I think the medication helped me along in a lot of aspects. Voices and visuals began to fade, but I became addicted to the sleeping pills. I feel like more than anything I grew out of the demons in my head. With all my coping techniques I just slowly stopped believing in them.

Now ten years down the line, I still live a dynamic lifestyle. I take no medication but occasionally use drugs which I know sounds like bad news. I started to fall into that very familiar downward spiral, that sense of despair, the illusion of no way out. I knew what was going to happen next, I’d been in this place so many times before and it had always ended in the same way. I knew exactly how I was going to kill myself, I’d learnt what works, and because of the life I had designed, I wouldn’t be found and saved. I did something different to my surprise, for the first time in my life I asked for help. I called the team and told them I was losing control and I need someone to pick me up before it’s too late.

Something amazing happened. They never showed up! I am a top-priority case with these guys and people are on call for this exact situation but an admin error caused them to arrive 72 hours too late! But through their negligence and incompetence came my rebirth. For the first time ever I was able to grow up and just go to sleep. That’s right, the insomniac slept!

I achieved the impossible that day without leaning on anyone else. I realised that I have spent my whole life depending on others to support me and care for me. What I achieved that day was true independence for my issues and dealt with them. This has lead to such reflection that I know exactly what I have to do to finally achieve true happiness and peace. Of course I need to quit the drugs and I do need to speak to a professional on a regular basis to try and unwind some of those twists in my brain, but I won’t be depending on anyone or anything to make that change for me. I no longer have to accept that i am sick and need to be understood. I have already changed so much in my mind and in my life. I can’t fix the pain I have caused, but I can use it as drive to prevent it from happening in the future, thus achieving redemption, happiness and freedom.

When the walls of your life begin to break down and you see no way out, It’s never the end of the world, it’s all in your head. Your world will change so many times in your life that you will look back and see how stupid it all was. You can change your life, you can change the world, things will get better. Just hold on.