I didn’t notice my downward spiral of self hatred until I got to this point. Of course, now when I look back it’s obvious. How did I not notice? How did no one notice?
Look at me. Two days ago I went on omegle for the first time and a man told me I was beautiful. I wanted to believe him so badly that I didn’t hesitate to take off my shirt when he asked. And then everything else.
Since then, I’ve been called beautiful hundreds of times for dozens of men. And afterwards, I feel so ashamed. But not enough to not want to be called beautiful again.
The cutting. It started two years ago, it’s been over for about two months. But it only stopped because I slipped and I was too afraid to do it again… because I can’t trust myself.
And today was Christmas. Why would someone make themselves throw up for the first time on Christmas? And then do it again? I don’t know. I don’t know why.
There is no reason, other than I hate myself.
Maybe it’s because my friend needed me to save her and I didn’t know how. Maybe it’s because my favorite teacher looks at me everyday and says: “I’m worried about you.” and I don’t know what to say. Maybe it’s because I’m not loved at home, so why would I be loved anywhere else?
But I don’t know. I don’t know why I can’t even love myself. It seems so simple, but it isn’t.
1 comment
I am going through the same thing, except I am 25 and married. I have felt this way since I was about 10. Just to get things out there and in the open, when I was 5 I was sexually molested by our next door neighbor, then at 7 I was molested by my mom’s boyfriend. He actually had sexual intercourse with me.
So my pain is similar but different. I have always felt worthless and it didn’t help that my mother paid more attention to her boyfriends and alcohol than me. I haven’t had much self worth and I allow others to put me down. I have attempted suicide 3x times in the last 10 years. Each time something has prevented me from succeeding.
I have gone through moments of depression and self hatred more than I can count. I have a husband who I don’t trust, but I don’t trust anyone. I feel that everyone lies to me and does things behind my back.
In high school I put on that big smile and pretended that I was happy, but all along I was crying inside because I really wanted that someone to love me. At first I thought it was all the boys and girls I was seeing, but they never made the pain go away. Finally I turned to drugs and Alcohol. This only numbed the pain for a while.
I too started cutting myself. It really did make the pain go away, but it only helped for so long. The more I cut myself the more I wanted to go deeper. Until I too slipped and my mother caught on. I haven’t cut myself since.
Recently though I have started to feel useless and worthless to my husband. I got so depressed that I even admitted myself into a hospital for watch. It was really bad. They put me on medication, and had me go to all these group meetings. To be honest in there I felt better, because everyone was going through what I was or something similar.
I have only been out for barely 2 weeks and I am already feeling like a piece of shit again. I even thought about going back to the hospital. Everyday I feel this tugging at my soul telling me to just end it. There isn’t anything here for me. I don’t have a child, I always fight with my husband, even HE tells me to kill myself now. College sucks for me, and work is just a joke. So I am lost right now.
And you are right. It should be easy to just love yourself, but how can we love ourselves if we feel so unloved by ourselves and others…….
My only advice is this. Try finding someone know one knows to talk to before you go through with it. It is a hard struggle and I know nobody else understands.