You know, I’m married to a wonderful man.
But all good people have a limit too. They will shut down also if they are constantly bombarded with negativity, bad bosses, bad coworkers, shitty clients, shitty company policy, problems in the home, depressed & suicidal wife….
I think him and my kids are the only reason I haven’t done anything. That and how outsiders will view them if I did anything to bring them down. They can not experience what I have in my past. Not them. Please not them.
But when I’m alone, I want it all to end.
I’m tired of being sick. Physically and mentally tired of being sick. Some days I want it all to be done, my therapist keep saying if I start to feel such, go to the hospital. Like HELL I WILL! Everyone will know! I can’t afford letting anyone know.
There is no end to what I am going through, and I am embarrassed to even say it. I have gone through so much ups and downs that I am not sure anymore whether I am up or down sometimes.
I keep saying baby steps to others and myself, just so I can keep going.
I lie and act all great and fake happy, when my real self is a selfish, arrogant, lying, evil *****.
I am sorry I am alive. I am sorry for being alive.
But DAMMIT I have stay alive. THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE FOR ME!!!
I’m sorry world that I have to burden you still. Sorry for breathing and eating and living. Just sorry.
4 comments
I would say, since you have to stay for your family, make the most of the situation. Try volunteer work. In your alone time, read uplifting or inspiring novels or non-fiction. Have more sex with your husband. In other words, distract yourself. Maybe you’ll become so good at distraction you’ll forget you’re depressed.
I have good days and bad days. On bad days you will most likely hear me here. Otherwise assume its a good day….. maybe.
I’ve tried several times in the past to go over to the other side before I had children and after my eldest was born.
After my second was born I’ve gotten into numerous (yes more than one) accidents that surprisingly left me alive. Key word here is accident.
Unfortunately, they left me just that, alive… I do not have the same quality of life I could’ve have had I not been hurt.
I still have lingering desire to let it all go.
I’ve tried numerous medication that only made me more than ready to go over the other side.
Then I see my family looking at me, scared, different….. it all left me ashamed.
I keep thinking this must be Karma or something, because I was an evil person in the past or something.
I have to stay alive and atone for all that. I don’t deserve to be happy, but they do. So I act happy so they are at ease and are happy.
My husband does not come near me anymore though. I am scared to ask why… I have in the past, and I regreted it.
So I’m just going to wait and let it all pass. And keep living this lie.
That’s all I’m worth anyway.
i think your being a little hard on yourself your just another person with some problems. what makes you think it’s your fault? the world doesn’t want to get rid of you and people on here want to help you. so stop feeling guilty.
My mother was suicidal, The difference was she would talk about it, threaten to end her life. I caught her hanging up ropes and taking overdoses where I would have to check on her constantly to see if she was still breathing. She thought she was a waste of space and we would be better off without her. It broke my heart because I love my mum very much, she is such a helpful lady who makes so many people smile. She has so many qualities that she couldn’t see. You are worth so much more, you deserve to be happy. I never thought I deserved happiness and when I found myself laughing at something, I broke down having a panic attack, crying my eyes out because I didn’t feel like I deserved to be laughing. Looking back, I realise how silly that was. Of course I deserve to be happy and so does everyone. What happened in your past, that doesn’t matter now. It’s about moving forward and learning to appreciate life and loving yourself. It’s obvious you care for your children and taking them out, spending time with them watching them have a good time, that alone should bring a smile to your face. However I think you need to start doing things for yourself but make sure you don’t let anybody stop you. If you want to go to a spa etc, do it! and don’t feel guilty about it. You deserve to be happy, always remember that. You’re worth it.