Hi I’m lostfaerie. I WANT TO DIE. I have wanted to die for just about every day of the last 22 years. I ‘m about to turn 33 and I’ve been suicidal since age 10. It is so hard for me to get through each day without cutting or harming myself. I truly want to die. I’m supposed to have surgery in a week. I’m hoping that I will never wake up. All I am is a burden to my husband and family, it’s all I’ve ever been. I’m worthless, a piece of shit on the road. No one in my family understands how I feel. They just try to brush it off and make me say I feel better. Bullshit. I haven’t felt good since 1990. I’m about to turn 33, I’m married but have no children – who would want to have children with me? But I have been in pain since I was 10. I clearly remember being on the schoolbus drawing pitctures of my suicide. I ask God why, but I get no answer. I’m fat, ugly, about to lose a front tooth and I truly hate who I am. I drunk right now, and it’s so hard to keep myself from od’ing. I just want to be dead. Free of this world of pain. Need help to die.
5 comments
lostfaerie,
so……………… 🙁 sorry that’s what this place is for too listen. keep posting and maybe you can get some good advice.
I remember the inner pain from early childhood, too. I was ugly, awkward, intelligent, and painfully shy. I didn’t know how to protect myself from bullies. I knew i was a screw-up. My mother even thought so. In my early teens I had fantasies of dying. Every relationship after my husband died reinforced as soon as someone gets to know me they discover how worthless I am. And now I don’t know how to believe in anyone. I keep fighting the urges to die, but more and more wonder why I’m fighting it. No one else understands this kind of pain. Thank you for posting. No one else I know was depressed and sad as a little kid with no good reason. I had enough food, a house, decent clothes, and a parent who screamed at me and told me I was no good and I just had to take it because I learned early on that if I stayed very, very still and quiet, it would end sooner.
Damn. Why do I think your husband and family are all probably asshats? I bet you are not a burden to your husband, I bet he is an unloving piece of crap….correct me if I am wrong… Gurl, pleeze, having kids is the biggest pain in the ass…you have to stay alive forever or they blame you for their legacy…mama killed herself, blah, blah, blah….I have also wanted to die since a kid, but for whatever reason, I am still here. Stick around if you can and tell your husband he WILL pay for you an implant for that tooth or I will find him and make his life hell. Also, don’t be down about being a full figured gurl. When I turned fifty I found a fine man who loves a woman of substance. I guess if I had killed myself before fifty I would have missed the best time or sex) of my life….Good luck on the surgery and I hope they give you the best pain meds ever and treat you like a queen. I am sorry we both feel like crap and want to die. We probably deserve better lives….
Please don’t give up lostfaire. Your husband loves you for who you are and you should too.
You one thing we have in common is our suicidal thoughts started in childhood….mine was related to abuse….did you have the same problem?