I noted a reply to one of my earlier posts that stated I was not actually talking about committing suicide immediately or maybe that was never my intent at all. To this I reply, if you were around on the Suicide Project six to twelve months ago you would not think that. The only reason I did not finish the job was because I was evicted from my home of 20 years because I had lost my job and became broke very fast.
Prior to becoming homeless last April, I had my Final Exit all planned out and was only waiting for the best time…for me.
The painless, non-traumatic end that I had planned did require a few items to be purchased (which I had bought) and when I was evicted these items were left behind. The day I was kicked out of my home and forced to leave 99% of everything that I has purchased in the past 30 years, was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and I fully intended to kill myself that evening. I did however make a promise to me a year earlier that I would not kill myself when I was mentally compromised and crying in my beer so to speak. I was mentally wasted and was crying a lot. I remember sitting in a Wendy’s holding a cold hamburger, tears running down my face and trying to figure out how I was going to make it go away. I had my trusty 32 caliber pistol with me but as I have stated before, there is absolutely no way I would ever shoot myself (or anyone else in anger.) Since I want to go out with a smile on my face and in a happy mood, I decided, that specific time was not the right time. I am forever a pessimistic optimist. It was a difficult decision to make considering how mentally wasted I was at that time. Suicide should be a happy time when your problems cease to exist…along with your mortal coil. I have no religious reservations in this regard.
I went to a hospital ER and told them I was considering suicide. I almost had a split personality at that juncture; one with a desire to die and the other wanting to wait for a while. An hour of counseling and some (prescription) drugs took away the rush to end it all then, and actually picked up my mood a little. The humorous thing about that situation was, being happier at that moment, made me consider my final exit in a more rational fashion. I talked myself out of a night in the psyche ward. I have explained my need to be in a good mood when I end it all in other posts. It is important to me to die happy…even though I am depressed. Does that sound crazy or not??? It is a good thing that I understand myself, since few others do. 
I am a male in my seventies in reasonably poor health. (I look in my early fifties.) I have lived alone for the last 25 years and have become somewhat of a hermit. I have joined a lot of social groups, organizations and clubs in order to meet women…but to no avail…everyone I meet is happily married. I will not entice a woman to cheat! It is not my bag and I am still alone because of that morality.
My finances are in the dumps and I cannot find a job to save my life. <pun intended>
I have every intention of finishing my termination process and start the Final Exit, soon! However, if I come into enough money in order to make my existence more palatable, I may put my trip on hold for a while longer. See…more pessimistic optimism! I would prefer to live in moderate comfort in a one bedroom efficiency with my own TV, computer and bed, (currently in a storage locker) an income that permits me to do that and only use suicide as a very last resort. I consider myself as suffering in my present living status and do not wish to just tolerate it for much longer. There is absolutely nothing, no project or relationship that I wish to start at this time and continue for longer than one day. I doubt that no matter what happens, this desire will not change. I really think that life sucks at my age and will never get appreciably better for me. But then, that is just me talking and I enjoy posting on this site and commenting on others’ decision to end it all. My philosophy is that whatever your problems, it is okay to commit suicide provide you explore all other possibilities and that you do not do it now! Wait a little and see what happens next. You have plenty of time to end it all later. You should always wait, a week, a month or even a year before doing it. Time can change everything…I think.
At this time, on this day(1/17/13) I have 26 cents to my name, my room rent is paid until noon on Sunday and all I have for food is 6 packets of Raman noodles…chicken flavor. There are no free soup kitchens anywhere near my motel room so I am going to get very hungry next week. There are no state or federal old-age assistance programs that are willing to help me…I have asked!!! There is a remote possibility the Veterans Administration may give me an infusion of cash if I qualify, but that could take months or even years. At my age, I cannot see the benefit of living a long life. <It sucks to be me!!!> Self pity is a wonderful thing…it allows people to comfortably blame the universe for all their shitty luck and lifelong wrong decisions. [ I am holding my hand up and shouting “ME†]
I cannot remember if my mood was more or less somber a year ago or not. Dawg, if you are reading this, if you recall, please let me know. Just curious!
My social security check arrives Wednesday Jan 26 at 3am where it will be deposited in my current empty bank account. I hope that the motel will let me slide on my rent for three days otherwise it is going to get very cold. It is snowing outside!  As you can see, I am living the high life. Hahaha. 
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And that is why I want to go reasonably soon! (Define soon!!!)Â < 
conflicted
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Dead Right
1/17/13
11:45pm
13 comments
Cut the crap, Dead Right. You have access to the swiftest, most peaceful method of death in the world. In addition to that, you have my offer of $50,000 IN CASH for that little piece of metal you hold in your hand. If you want to live, then live. If you want to die, then die. You’re choosing to live in destitution when clear solutions have already presented themselves.
There is always the possibility of survival, even with a gun. I own guns too, but I’m not about to give any away, even for $50 000, knowing that someone will be blowing out their brains with it.
“You can survive a gunshot” is what people with firearms tell themselves so that they have an excuse not to commit suicide. Done in a solitary place where no one can find you, there is 100% chance of death. Blowing your head off is not rocket science.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you should kill yourself if that’s not what you want, but don’t mope around if you already own the most reliable method in existence. Do whatever it takes to make your life better and put suicide out of your mind. You’re not going to do it, so why not just push through and fix what’s broken in your life?
In any case, it’s a bit hypocritical to say “I won’t sell you a gun to commit suicide with” when you’re on a suicide website. All you’re saying is suicide is right for you but not for me. If you don’t believe in suicide why are you even here?
In truth I detect more serious desperation – the postings of the past were more of a dark humored resolution – yet peaceful resolve … fyi – fuck the naysaying doubting trolls – you owe no one an explanation as to your intent and process.
been there dawg
@Letmesleep – your need for a gun has been duly noted … but be rational – it don’t matter how you procure the weapon – once you commit the act, the previous owner of said weapon will be put under a microscope – for someone so desperate, you’d think you’d start trolling craigs list for a private sale – with all this talk of the gunshow loophole – you’d think by now you’d have flown to texas or some other militant gun rights state and buough an arsenal by now … and don’t tell me with your resources you can’t do this … you can if you want to … but don’t badger and question someone else here because you cannot solve your own situation
morals dawg
No one is trolling, Dawg. I simply can’t stand all these people who have options but choose not to use them. It’s like if you were starving and you watched someone choose not to eat dinner while they complained about how they hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Would that not infuriate you? I’m angry that this person has the only thing in the world I desire and yet chooses to wave it around in our faces like it’s no big deal.
I want out, and no one, INCLUDING supposedly suicidal people, will provide. Either you support suicide or you don’t.
Many people on this site neither want to get better nor do they want to die. They wallow in mediocrity and self pity while soaking up endless amounts of sympathy. Again, if you want to live, then LIVE. Do what it takes to fix what’s broken.
… and to follow up @letmesleep – trust me – i’ve been thinking of your “offer” – it would solve a lot of my issues – and if there was a way it wouldn’t get linked back to me i’d have already contacted you privately – i personally believe what you do with it is your business so i wouldn’tcare if you offed yourself with a weapon i sold you … what i will NOT risk is getting implicated and, questioned and perhaps even sanctioned by the system that isn’t as “free thinking” as i am
freedom dawg
Would that even work? Are gun laws so loose in Texas that I can just fly in, walk into a gun store, and walk out? I’m open to options, but what you’ve listed so far is pretty vague. Do you have any proof that this will work?
Can’t you just file serial numbers off of firearms? I’ve yet to understand exactly why people won’t sell me one so far. Criminals seem to have endless amounts of them, so how are they doing it?
Honestly, I get that I’m being a dick. Dead Right, I don’t want you to have to feel like I’m going to invade every thread you make; that isn’t fair to you. I’m just completely lost for options and I meet constant frustration with that fact no one will sell to me. It’s more than about death to me, it’s about power over my own life again. I have to be able to choose.
In any case, you have my word that I won’t invade any more of your threads. I get that you’re not interested in selling.
do you not watch the news man??! rich boy like you is not “in the know” … the reason there is outrage in the nation is because people can make straw purchases and had off weapons to anyone and private sales don’t require background checks and nothing requires mental health clearance – for someone who want’s to die so badly you sure seem ignorant of your chosen method …
… and no – i would not be “angry and/or infuriated” because what others choose to do is not within my sphere of control or influence – and it would be a waste of time and energy – what others choose is up to them and the outcome of that is their problem, not mine
… and for the record – i have some sympathy for others situations – but like you, you have a brain, google and money to solve your problems one way or the other – how you do that is your choice – but don’t throw a tantrum because someone else won’t do it for you. just like you refuse to consider other options, DR has chosen that death by firearm is unacceptable to HIM – that has NOTHING to do with you AT ALL – so respect that.
2nd amendment dawg
Letmesleep, if you really have $50 000 saved up, then why don’t you use it to make your life more comfortable? That money could buy a lot of nice things. I decent handgun only costs a few hundred dollars. And just because I own a few guns doesn’t mean that I have to use them for suicide. They are there for home defense, just in case.
Just go and get a big packet of prescriptions from the ER… That’ll give u a happy high and a good euthanasia!