I noted a reply to one of my earlier posts that stated I was not actually talking about committing suicide immediately or maybe that was never my intent at all. To this I reply, if you were around on the Suicide Project six to twelve months ago you would not think that.Â The only reason I did not finish the job was because I was evicted from my home of 20 years because I had lost my job and became broke very fast.
Prior to becoming homeless last April, I had my Final Exit all planned out and was only waiting for the best time…for me.
The painless, non-traumatic end that I had planned did require a few items to be purchased (which I had bought) and when I was evicted these items were left behind.Â The day I was kicked out of my home and forced to leave 99% of everything that I has purchased in the past 30 years, was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and I fully intended to kill myself that evening. I did however make a promise to me a year earlier that I would not kill myself when I was mentally compromised and crying in my beer so to speak. I was mentally wasted and was crying a lot.Â I remember sitting in a Wendyâ€™s holding a cold hamburger, tears running down my face and trying to figure out how I was going to make it go away. I had my trusty 32 caliber pistol with me but as I have stated before, there is absolutely no way I would ever shoot myself (or anyone else in anger.)Â Since I want to go out with a smile on my face and in a happy mood, I decided, that specific time was not the right time.Â I am forever a pessimistic optimist.Â It was a difficult decision to make considering how mentally wasted I was at that time.Â Suicide should be a happy time when your problems cease to exist…along with your mortal coil.Â I have no religious reservations in this regard.
I went to a hospital ER and told them I was considering suicide.Â I almost had a split personality at that juncture; one with a desire to die and the other wanting to wait for a while.Â An hour of counseling and some (prescription) drugs took away the rush to end it all then, and actually picked up my mood a little.Â The humorous thing about that situation was, being happier at that moment, made me consider my final exit in a more rational fashion.Â I talked myself out of a night in the psyche ward. I have explained my need to be in a good mood when I end it all in other posts. It is important to me to die happy…even though I am depressed. Does that sound crazy or not??? It is a good thing that I understand myself, since few others do.Â
I am a male in my seventies in reasonably poor health. (I look in my early fifties.) I have lived alone for the last 25 years and have become somewhat of a hermit. I have joined a lot of social groups, organizations and clubs in order to meet women…but to no avail…everyone I meet is happily married.Â I will not entice a woman to cheat!Â It is not my bag and I am still alone because of that morality.
My finances are in the dumps and I cannot find a job to save my life.Â <pun intended>
I have every intention of finishing my termination process and start the Final Exit, soon!Â However, if I come into enough money in order to make my existence more palatable, I may put my trip on hold for a while longer. See…more pessimistic optimism!Â I would prefer to live in moderate comfort in a one bedroom efficiency with my own TV, computer and bed, (currently in a storage locker) an income that permits me to do that and only use suicide as a very last resort.Â I consider myself as suffering in my present living status and do not wish to just tolerate it for much longer.Â There is absolutely nothing, no project or relationship that I wish to start at this time and continue for longer than one day. I doubt that no matter what happens, this desire will not change. I really think that life sucks at my age and will never get appreciably better for me.Â But then, that is just me talking and I enjoy posting on this site and commenting on othersâ€™ decision to end it all.Â My philosophy is that whatever your problems, it is okay to commit suicide provide you explore all other possibilities and that you do not do it now!Â Wait a little and see what happens next.Â You have plenty of time to end it all later.Â You should always wait, a week, a month or even a year before doing it.Â Time can change everything…I think.
At this time, on this day(1/17/13) I have 26 cents to my name, my room rent is paid until noon on Sunday and all I have for food is 6 packets of Raman noodles…chicken flavor.Â There are no free soup kitchens anywhere near my motel room so I am going to get very hungry next week.Â There are no state or federal old-age assistance programs that are willing to help me…I have asked!!!Â There is a remote possibility the Veterans Administration may give me an infusion of cash if I qualify, but that could take months or even years.Â At my age, I cannot see the benefit of living a long life. <It sucks to be me!!!>Â Self pity is a wonderful thing…it allows people to comfortably blame the universe for all their shitty luck and lifelong wrong decisions. [ I am holding my hand up and shoutingÂ â€œMEâ€ ]
I cannot remember if my mood was more or less somber a year ago or not.Â Dawg, if you are reading this, if you recall, please let me know.Â Just curious!
My social security check arrives Wednesday Jan 26 at 3am where it will be deposited in my current empty bank account.Â I hope that the motel will let me slide on my rent for three days otherwise it is going to get very cold.Â It is snowing outside!Â Â As you can see, I am living the high life. Hahaha. Â Â Â Â Â
And that is why I want to go reasonably soon! (Define soon!!!)Â < conflicted>