I want to know why my mother chose to keep me alive when I was born? Why did she give me two fuckwit siblings when she only wanted me to start with? She only had my two brothers because they wanted to come to life before me. And now that we’re grown up, they’ve got their own lives, everything they could have, before me.
I hate my two brothers. I wish they were both dead, I hate my Mum and I hate my Dad. My two brothers are fucking cunts, from their conception. I have been a fucking stupid loser from my conception. I want to change my life just for me, but guess what? My family wants me to change to make them happy, whilst they expect me to look out for my own happiness and satisfaction with my improvements, after they approve of them. Um fuck you family. I am not your body, I’m my own thank you. And fuck you my two siblings! You’re not my mother and father.
Mum and Dad, fuck you too. I hate you a lot actually. You loved me when I was a child, but as an adult you hate me. Fuck your guts the both of you. All you wanted was the little girl, not the grown person I am today. Well, all I wanted was pre-birth non-existence, but you two denied me of that because you selfishly wished I was here. Now I am alive, to live with this eternal soul of mine, forever. And it’s your fault. You should have kept my two brothers, they were complete as a family already, I am the wish of the family, the living wish! My two brothers didn’t need a sister to be a family with you two. It’s like I’m part of a family when I’m not meant to be. Yet life is life isn’t it? Such as life, I’d love to say. But unfortunately I have a few doctors who love me literally to death! Ha ha ha.
To my doctors:
Dr. A, why do you fucking expect me to follow a program you want when the other three ophthalmologists don’t want me to, at this point? Or is that what you friggen mean, without actually saying so? Do you think I’m so fucking dumb? Or do you think I’ll simply never figure this out? Be a bit more clear, and tell me that you really don’t want to help me with just controlling my eye symptoms, before telling me that the three other doctors need to confirm what she has suggested, instead of missing out on that bit of info. If you want to console me, at least be fucking honest with me. Don’t show me some spiel that you can’t unravel. You’ve effectively given me a bait and I’ve walked into your trap. Thank you, Dr. A! And fuck you.
To my other three doctors, I really don’t want to know you. You lot might be very nice people. But I don’t want you in my life. Dr. O, for one you’re too blunt. Secondly, you may be very honest which is a credit to you. But excuse me, when you see me about to faint and keel over on you, please don’t change the story while I’m half awake, and then go back to your original plan later, when I’m unconscious! At least tell me what you intend for your story, and then tell me that the original plan will be whatever it is, instead of letting your sweet lady colleague tell me. I’ll still be angry with her just as furiously as I am with you.
I am furious with you because you don’t give a fuck that I don’t want any more surgery. The fact that I understand where you’re going with this finally, is another credit to you. But I am still angry with you because as much as you give me decisions to make, you won’t let me decide not to go with those options either. Mind you, I could say you’re right in a way because my other option will stop working, and Dr. A will send me back to you anyway. However, I’m angry with you at the moment. I am fucking pissed off with you to be simple about it. You say my eye condition has no cure, but then you want to try to cure me? Please explain that one to me, and maybe there will be something I don’t know, that will lead me to not want to be so angry with you. Or will it confirm why I’m so furious? I don’t know, and I want to know, right now. You can’t tell me that my calcium condition can’t be cured, then tell me that you still want to try to fix what isn’t fixable. I simply can’t understand your reasoning with that.
Dr. G, and Dr. T, you’re nice people too. I simply want you out of my life as well. You both are really good at explaining my options to me. But Dr. T, you need to be a bit more precise with your information. Telling me stuff and then going back to your original plan without explaining a bit more that you either do or do not want the second plan of treatment to go ahead, may be really good for you. But you need to remember that I don’t know as much as you do, other than that my eye is really fucked and I need help, or would rather reject help at this point because you know why. But no, you won’t have that. So thanks also for making my decisions for me.
Dr. G, as much as you give me options like Dr. T and Dr. O does, at least you explain so much crap really well. I bet if you hadn’t explained the options you and Dr. O were thinking about, I would have really gone madly crazy over Dr. O trying to talk me into another surgery. However, I’m against the fact that you, together with the others, are in my life because of an eye condition that you can’t fix, and because I came over to Cairns to have a good time. But instead I am planning every week around what will happen next in the hospital, instead of planning my outings and what I’ll be up to from week to week. What I find so freaky is that you and the other three doctors discussed, are perfect strangers to me, but unlike my family, you won’t disown me or hate me. Instead, I find you watching me like a hawk whenever I am near you, just in case something goes wrong. I try to get you and the others to hate me, but all that results in is you and Co asking questions and buying your time just to see if I’ll be all right after another five minutes of sitting down, that is after I’ve gotten so fucking angry that I look like I’ll suddenly crack it. It’s a pity you’re not allowed to disown your patients and cut them out of your life. I am very very surprised actually, so much so that I can’t think of a damn word to say about that. I’m so used to being disowned and hated that when someone chooses to do the very opposite, I really do lose it.
I just can’t handle kindness and compassion at all. I can’t handle people saying, “Hey I know you hate me and all that, but I’m not cutting you out and don’t dare try to expect any different from me!” It’s not those words that you say, it’s the way you act around me that conveys those words. And I’m not meaning those words in a nasty way, more like if I hate someone and they’re kind still, well I just give up with them. There’s no point in trying to disown you when you don’t give a fuck about my intent to wish you dead because you’re too busy taking matters into your own hands and not wanting to proverbially let me go. Fine. I fucking give up. I hate you, but I can’t find any fault with you so I guess I have no real reason to hate you, or the other three doctors. I just want you lot out of my life because I really don’t want help that won’t be of any benefit anyway. I can’t see why you and the others are so intent on keeping me alive, why you won’t let me kick you out of my life, why you won’t stop being caring towards me, why you won’t cut me out, why you won’t disown me. Why are you lot so compassionate towards me when I am trying to stop you guys from helping me because I don’t want it? Why can I get my stupid dickhead family to say goodbye and not have me as part of their mob any time I want, but I can’t get you guys to be the same way? If I said that I hate you lot, you’d still fucking try to help me anyway! You doctors are mad. Or is it more that you’re not allowed to respect my wishes to be disowned by someone who I don’t want in my life anyway? You, and Dr. T and Dr. O, are the last people I want help from, but you strongly and strenuously don’t accept this. Damn you and the other three doctors, but at least all of you have some credit which I can’t take from you.
Ever since you lot insisted on not disowning me, and getting more and more passive aggressive about stopping me from completely writing you out, I just can’t go through with killing myself or hurting myself. You love people so much, you love having the power to stop people from hurting themselves. You lot seem to love the power you’ve got, to stop people from going to hospital except for their appointed visits, by way of making people like me, feel that hurting myself will make me go there when I don’t want to be, instead of getting me where I want to be. Fuck you for that. I don’t actually want to be at the hospital for my appointments either, but at least we had a big discussion and you guys know what all my issues are. It’s not the hospital environment itself that scares me, it’s the treatments and the way my grandparents couldn’t give a living fuck about my dignity and would rather treat me like a rag doll who does whatever they want, how they want. Ah I’m a person Nan and Pop. And I will be treated like one too, and I will have some control over myself thank you. You are not my body to decide how I feel based on your existence. Oh that’s so very fucking degrading to me. You doctors seem to agree with what I want, unlike my grandparents, who only care about their own dignity and what they want. Well, they can do so on their own all they want, just don’t push that attitude onto me. At least you doctors have successfully thwarted my intentions and you’ve also successfully stopped me from cutting you out by force, since you’re so strong-headed about wanting to fight tooth and nail to cure this eye condition. Fine! But be warned, I won’t put up with the shit forever.
To Nan and Pop:
Fuck you for how you’ve treated people over the years. You’re the first to tell everyone else how rude they are, how disrespectful they are. You’re the first to tell everyone else how to live and how to breathe! But you two will do nothing of the sort in your own life. Get stuffed, you’re the type who I wouldn’t be friends with if ever I were to meet you in the street. You two are the kind who would protest strongly about issues that’re happening to you. But oh, if we have problems, we must suffer silently, since you guys have survived shit in your lives. Hang on a minute! We’re not allowed to say the same things to you both when you’re up against a wall. Oh yeah, just shut the fuck up, is what I need to remind myself. You guys are apparently better than those around you. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re no better than Joe Blogs next door. You’re mad mongrels is what you are. To be really blunt with you, you’re plain fucking horrible even though you’re clever at disguising it. Well be horrible with someone else then, because I won’t tolerate it for two seconds. You’re exactly like my mother, and you’re the mental version of my physically abusive father, and the psychological likes of him, so if you want to bring that side of yourselves out, goodbye to you.
As for the rest of the people in this blog, no I’m not gonna commit suicide today. I just wanted to write this letter concerning people I know so that I can let the truth out, and rehearse in my mind what I will say to people one day if I’m given the opportunity to say it. Otherwise, it’s staying in this blog. Whether I tell people what they need to hear or not, isn’t going to affect me in the long run. It’s what I do with my life that’ll get to me. I can escape from my family, I can’t escape from me. I don’t have to live with the family, I do have to live with myself. I can stop my family from affecting me, I can stop them from doing anything I don’t want them to do, and write their attitudes and disrespectful actions, completely out of my life. It’s a bit hard to do that when the actions and attitudes are coming from me. I can at least control things in my life to an extent so I can live with myself because I know that what I do to my life is harder to get rid of out of my life than if someone else or something else affects me. Of course I can make choices, but I guess you know what I mean… Basically it’s that I can escape from any outside source that’s affecting me. My family thinks they’re punishing me by not inviting me to functions that my brother goes to. But they’re really not getting the desired result, nor is it punishment for me. I’m not doing it to myself, therefore I can escape from all that by simply telling myself that my brother is a low life and that I’m less likeable to my family than he is. Since I’m not doing this to myself I can escape from it. But if I were to plan punishments from the family, try to be unlikeable, than I’d have to change that. I’ve got the attitude though, that people don’t have to like me and they don’t have to hang around me. I like that attitude about myself. It’s a pity that my doctors are seeing it and forcing their stupid fucking kindness through my nice little shell anyway. I really liked my shell until a certain few people punctured it. I’ve tried to cover the punctures in it, but um, they’ll just rip the “covering” off of it again anyway.
At least my family aren’t trying to get under my guard that I’ve put up and I’m using that to my advantage, much to their dismay. It’s their fault for doing what they want to do to me. I’ve made my own life changes how I want them to be and it’s not my problem if my family hates me. It is my problem that I let my family affect me, well I’ve made changes to that by not caring about anyone but myself, other than to not hurt people unless they really get me furious of course. But then I don’t want to get into trouble so I don’t hurt anyone. But my point is that as much as I say hi and show care in that sense, my life isn’t wrapped around other people. I can survive without them. My problems are mine alone, is really the whole point of the argument. I still find it hard to believe that my doctors are strenuously stopping me from writing them off, and they won’t write me off either, no matter how much I try to get them too.