I literally just want to give up and escape reality because everyday I live is a constant reminder of how alone I truly am. 2012 was a horrible year, and I fear 2013 will be equally the same, if not worse. I’m 25 years old with no friends or social life, my family treats me like an outcast due to my low self-esteem and confidence, and having a speech impediments makes speaking 1000 times harder. I can’t even hold a conversation without looking like a freak and my family thinks the solution to my many problems is giving me the cold shoulder.
I honestly wish I had a gun and the guts to blow my head off because I’m sick of life in general. Maybe this year I will get the courage to do it, but in the mean time I’m just barely surviving.
3 comments
What you write (especially low self esteem, family, etc) just makes me want to scream “Brother! You are me!”. Does it ever seem for you that people rub your face in your faults, failings, mistakes which gives you low self esteem, they despise you more for the low self esteem which makes it even lower, etc. etc. I went to a family Christmas eve party where I was surrounded by condescending smiles like I was the idiot child who couldn’t possibly be expected to understand anything, just made me feel like walking into the woods to find a hidden spot to lay down and die. I’m useless and worthless and get reminded of this every day (and I’m 40). Sorry, I know this doesn’t help, but you’ve given me at least the courage from knowing I’m not alone. Somehow I’ve stayed alive because I don’t want my death to bring people smug satisfaction and snide laughter (“we were right about him, we knew it all along…”). So somehow I live to prove them wrong, and to struggle for the happiness the world denies me.
People mock my voice often, and look strangely at me since I have an impediment too (or what is called “a flat affect”, whatever that means). I’m often afraid to speak, since whatever I say people treat like I just farted or something, or don’t even bother listening to me. No one cares for me either.
I did not expect to find someone to be in a somewhat similar mental state as me and so I have chosen to respond to your post- a very rare thing for me to do (join a website and post something). A few of the things you said I can sympathize with. Recently turned 25, I too have a very little social life, barely any friends, and my self-esteem and confidence, as of current, is on the lower end of the spectrum. Even more so, I understand that constant feeling of being alone because I am more often than not, alone. Even more similar, I too felt 2012 was not such a great year and currently fear 2013 will be bad for me as well. It doesn’t help that I entertained chinese astrology and found out for my animal sign, that 2012 was suppose to bad and it apparently it doesn’t get better for 2013.
For me, these past few weeks, it came to the point where I was tired of living which is what brought me here to this place that I knew not existed until I arrived to these feelings. So I understand the pain, the heartache, the stress, the feelings of emptiness, that loneliness(!), not being good enough, and always questioning my self-worth while constantly crying, that is, if any of those exist for you since they do for me.
I’m sorry that your speech impediment is making life extremely more difficult. In that case, I cannot truly understand how painful it must be for you and can only sympathize but it makes me sad that your family is giving you the cold shoulder. I’m sorry.
Since the similarity among our state of minds has brought me to your post, I must ask you, that if you could with me, do the one thing that you could barely do and I am on the verge of no longer wanting to do, which is the very word at the last sentence of your post: survive. If you find in yourself that courage you are looking for, then I would wish that you would take that courage and engage it in something else rather than ending your life. I know life sucks and it sucks hard when everything seems to always go downhill no matter what you do because I feel it too.
But for some damn reason there’s always this weird sensation running through my brain and engages different sensations of my body that somehow directs me on a different path. That weird sensation, as truly corny as it sounds because it sounds really corny, I finally gave it a term: HOPE. And if you think about it, I think you might have that too. Or else we wouldn’t be here right now expressing our thoughts. And in my case, it is the one thing that keeps me going through this hell hole. When you finally believe in your “hope,” and give in to it, so to speak, you’re willing to put up with the pain, to see what lies ahead or on the other side. At least that’s how it seems to work with me. I gave in to it, I struggled a little longer, and something truly beautiful does lie ahead. And every now and then I forget that and go back into this state of mind but your post reminded me of that. It reminded me that if I’m barely surviving, I might as well give in to hope and see where it gets me. This is a process I’m still working on and will probably work on for the rest of my life. But what I got out of it, was either accepting certain parts of me (my alone-ness) and changing others aspects that I didn’t (moving away from negativity). There’s not an end to this and I’m constantly struggling but I’m so use to struggling and fighting now, that those feelings, that brought me to this site, don’t last as long as they did before. Somehow your post reminded me of them.
I don’t know if any of the latter things I said can resonate with you but I wish that if you can feel that there is hope in you, to struggle with life a little longer and attempt to reap its benefits. If you have any courage that you can use and “play” this game of life the way you want to. I have an open ear…and open eyes, to read, and I’m always willing to listen.