Deep hate for an innocent child.

In my family there’s only four. My mother, my father, my sister, and I. Being 10 years apart (my sister and I), I looked up to her, always wanting to be like her, she moved out when she was 18,  and I was so excited, and happy for her being independent, and all. Anyways, she moved to a city, we (my father, mother and I) thought she was doing well. She was in Uni, independent, and partying, just like any other young adult, but unfortunatley she was mixing her priorities wrong. Too much partying and not enough studying, lead to her not sending my parents her end of sememster grades, she ignored phone calls, when my parents asked for her grades, she would say, “Yes, I’ll fax them over tomorrow”. She never faxed anything. Then in 2010 she fell pregnant to her boyfriend of 5 years. My father ex communicated her for a year, and finally forgave her. I know some people may think that’s harsh, but in my culture,  to have a degree in something is a necessity. It’s a must. It brings pride and status. Well anyways, my sister dropped out of Uni, to look after the baby. It’s been two years, and she’s still floating, but recently started going to Tafe for a course, which she’s doing well in. BUT NOW HERE COMES THE PART WHERE YOU ALL WILL THINK IM A *****. Her kid, my nephew is a sign of failure, everything she could of been, she wasn’t because of him. I blame her more then I do him. He is isn’t the problem, he is innocent but, sometimes I just hate the fact that he exists. And I can’t stand the thought of my sister being a mother, without even finishing Uni, or having a degree/certificate/diploma or anything. I just hate it. TO MAKE THINGS WORSE! Now that my sister and nephew have been accepted, it’s just sooo annoying, hearing my mum baby talk to him, or hug him, she seems so proud and it MAKES ME SO MAD. I shouldn’t be jealous or mad at a 2 year old, but I can’t help myself.  When my sister failed, I knew it was time to step up, cause now my parents were gonna put the pressure on me. I don’t want to sound up myself, but in my family, out of my sister and I. I’m the over achiever, straight A’s, dux, and I even won a Uni scholarship, but the thing is I don’t know whether I did all that for me, for my parents or just to out do my sister. She always constantly complains that I’m spoilt. Yet her complainments are pretty much stupid, because my parents rules are, ”if you do good by them, they do good by you”, (she knows this) I make them happy academically, and they make me happy by providing me with most of my wants and needs. In a way I’ve earned it. Sometimes I feel like just telling my sister to, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOUR LIFE IS A FAILURE, IT’S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT YOUR LIFE IF FUCKED, I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO HAVE A KID, OR DROP OUT OF UNI”. But I don’t. I hate her because she’s a failure…I hate failures… I did everything to make my parents happy, throughout highschool I always aced everything, just so they could be proud of me, until I finally graduated, and I got accepted into a prominent Uni, and my parents were so proud, and so were all my relatives, but here comes the shitty part. I DID ALL THIS YET I FEEL AS THOUGH MY MOTHER LOVES MY NEPHEW MORE THEN ME.  If my mother was reading this, I would tell her this: “I did everything for you, and Dad while he was with us. All I want is for you to be proud of me, but all you seem to do is worry about that damn grandchild of yours, fucking what the hell do you want from me? what do i have to do to make you proud of me? My sister is a failure, she had a child out of wedlock, dropped out of uni, and yet you seem so proud to have a grandchild? Is that what you want? Another grandchild, because if that’s what you want, I can go get pregnant, and have a kid too! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY”.  He is a sign of failure, yet he brings a smile on my mother and fathers face….

ohhhhh God please change my cruel heart <////3

I love that little boy, but a demon inside me hates him with jealousy.