Im very young only 14 but you would never guess that Im 6 feet 3 inches and always was the big kid.  My parents sheltered me until i was 7 when my mother abandoned us.  I got depressed but i never let out untill my depression turned to rage i got into fights in middle school broke peoples ribs but got off the hook because i did very well in school one day i was blind sided and broke my foot that’s when i got introduced to oxycodone i got addicted it eased my pain and i calmed down i had to steal money from my dad to get the stuff I later  started regularly poping pills whether it was oxy or vicodin anything to take off the edge.  8th grade i lost my virginity I would go to party’s get wasted and get laid wake up with an axe through my head hangover.  I eventualy got into a real relationship witch went horribly wrong my girlfriend got raped not too long after we first had sex and i later found out she was lying to me about it trying to make me stay.  so besides being a douche bag poping pills and getting drunk i lived alone with my father and i was a punk untill one fatefull day.
MY WORLD GOTÂ DEVASTATED.
My dad was acting strange going to the doctors alot I later confronted him and he lied about it then he sat me down and told me he had cancer I cried for the first time in 7 years the thought of loseing my mother was bad enough now i have to watch my father die and waste away.  My siblings say its my fault they blamed everything that went wrong on me i locked myself in rooms alone with my pills they didn’t work anymore I went and searched and found cocaine and heroine I overdosed but i woke up mad i was alive i tried cutting myself so deep i couldnt get stitched up.  I no longer feared death nor did i fear my life i felt nothing.  Today I am waiting to die.  Waitng to die.  I watched my dad die in my hands now im going to be there with him on the other side.  Im waiting for my demons to take me away from all the past suffering to eternal pain.  I will be a true orphan of this world and soon i will just be trash to take to the curb.  I felt so guilty for so long about never being who i want to be but it dosent matter.  Today i die
I WILL WASTE AWAY
its been a few months past my dads death I heard reports on my mother being dead shot by her 2nd husband I truly have no hope I feel so guilty even though i shouldn’t i lay awake dreaming of the life i wish i had if i had any way to end this quickly i would but im stuck I’m just depressed and ready to pull the trigger on my life.  My mother being dead news struck me a little i tried suffocating myself it didnt work i passed out and woke up this morning i just have to suffer a little longer than i will die.  I wish i would have died long before any of this.
21 comments
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this pain and suffering alone! 🙁 I wish I could give you a hug (don’t worry, I’m not a pedophile or anything, I’m a 17 year old girl). It’s really messed up that your siblings are blaming you when you haven’t done anything wrong. They’re taking their anger and sadness out on you when you don’t deserve it. Although I’m against drugs and alcohol and getting “fucked up” I’m not going to sit here in lecture you about your decisions. Right now you need someone to talk to, someone to help you, and someone to give you that extra push to escape this hole that you’re in. Please don’t kill yourself though 🙁 I’m more than certain that your siblings will feel terrible and try to take responsibility for it. Ending your life will cause more grief on others than you think. Hell, even I, someone you don’t know, will be sad if you decide to attempt suicide. I advise you to go eat some chocolate since they contain serotonin, which is a chemical that makes you feel good, and to take a long, hot shower. Try going to sleep early 🙂 And please remember, you are never alone! And that there are people out there that care about you; I care 🙂 You’re more than welcome to message me or email me if you ever need someone to talk to.
I have no where to go and my siblings want me dead i deserve to give them that live or die i dont care i feel nothing I have day dreams my dad is still here but i have night mares of him dying in my arms
I asked my siblings to forgive me and if i could moove in the said no i live on the streets scouring for my next meal i cant get any drugs anymore theres nothing to look foward to but i try to and i wont succeed god wont let me die he wants me to suffer
I’m sure they don’t want you dead 🙁 Do you have any relatives that you could possibly live with? If not, try asking a close friend of yours if you can stay with them until you find a new place. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. And no, nobody deserves to die (unless they’ve killed people on purpose). You have done nothing wrong. You have every right to live just like they do. The fact that they’re blaming you, shows their level of maturity, and in a sense, they deserve to “die” more than you do. Those nightmares will go away, and try not to keep thinking about your dad. The more you think, the worse of a mood you’ll put yourself in. Again, I’m sorry that I can’t do more than to reply back to you, but I honestly hope that you feel better. I’m 100% sure that things will get better because you’re a strong person 🙂 Overcoming these obstacles will make you even stronger and someday, you’ll learn to appreciate all this.
yeah maybe i can go to my dads old shop its not to warm but better then staying outside in -5 degree weather
as for everything else i will sleep thru the night but if my demons are still waiting im not going to keep them waiting any longer
For now, I strongly advise you to try to lay off the drugs. Drugs really do nothing more than alter your state of consciousness and give you brief emotions of happiness or sadness depending on which kind you took. Maybe your siblings are trying to show you what you’re doing wrong by being strict and treating you like this. If all else fails, talk to them about how you’re planning to commit suicide (I beg that you won’t though) and have them see that you’re serious about it. Once they finally realize, I’m sure they’ll start seeing the error of their ways 🙂
i dont even know where they are anymore
Let me share my experience of when I was 14. 14 is that awkward stage in adolescent years where you begin to question everything around you…even your own existence. When I was 14, I would cut myself and dress in all black (although I never wore makeup or had the “scene” hair) but I was still my bubbly self…on the outside. On the inside I felt like I was rotting away and not a day went by where I didn’t think of suicide. I had no friends at that point; they all were backstabbers that used me and threw me away when satisfied. My own parents even tried sending me to live with my grandparents in a different country where life is tougher. They even went as far as to make me get “spiritually clean” to remove all the negative energy I had. What I’m trying to say is, right now you’re at that awkward phase. This stage in life is truly the worse (except for when you’re like 34534523 years old and you can barely move xD) Anywho, please try contacting an aunt or uncle or even grandparents. It’s not healthy of you to live in such conditions as these.
my grand parents are dead and my dad is an only child my siblings were all i had and i am not going to an orphanage no way!
What about on your mom’s side of the family? D: Do you have any friends you could possibly stay with?
Im all alone
You’re not alone, I’m here for you 🙂 I say that, yet there’s no way I could possibly help you any further 🙁 I’m so sorry. Please don’t give up though! Of course nobody wants to go to an orphanage, but have you thought about finding a live in job?
no all i thought about was just wasting away like i was i had no money my siblings took all the life insurance from me becuse i cant get it derectly becuse im a minor so they realy do want me dead why should i stop them from there happiness
I think they’re doing this because they want you to quit your addictions. Surely, any parent will be furious with their child if all they care about is drinking, smoking and having sex so I believe they’re doing that as a way of learning. And remember this, foster care isn’t so bad. I mean from what you’re telling me, you have no other options. One of the few remaining friends I have at this point is an adopted child. Living with a new family for just 4 more years isn’t that bad
they never knew about my adiction my drug life was pretty discreet idk why im here i will take your advice and wait just a little but its either i kill myself or naturaly die or live a life that i am barely alive
Sometimes I question myself why I still am alive as well. I guess I’m still pushing myself because I’m waiting for all the good things to happen to me. But don’t worry, it will get better 🙂 Thank you. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk~
Look, i know plenty of people like you. Cancer is a terrible thing and im devastated to hear it, as well as your mother abandoning you. But this is your opportunity! Now that you’re admitting how you act, you need to change things and make your father proud ^.^
You have a gift… don’t throw your life away. You could be a professional athlete if you set your mind to it.
I just dont know how much longer i can live like this
I know that no matter how many things people can tell you, no matter how many times you hear the “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” speech, it won’t help. I honestly don’t know what I can tell you to help you atleast to feel better. What I do have is the arms to hug you when you need it, the ears to listen, and a heart that is always open for you. Seriously, if you want to talk, I’m just a message away. I don’t think your mother or father would want you to throw your life away. When you have people like your siblings in your life, that want you dead, don’t give them the victory. Show them that you’re stronger then they think. Because I know you are. Pain is temporary, it never lasts forever. But seriously, if you need me, I’m here man.