I have no friends

I have no friends. It’s a painful realization. Any friends that I had, that I considered to be true friends,( you know the kind that actually care about you, ask about you, help you, instead of those that expect you to do that for them but don’t return the favor) are at college now and at least 2 hours away. The “friend” that I’ve had for the longest, since the fifth grade, is too busy with community college and his girlfriend and weed to spend time with me. I smoked with him the other day, for the first time in 5 months. I had been adamant about not smoking weed anymore, very adamant. You would think that he would see me texting him wanting to get stoned out of my mind after being sober for so long as a sign something was wrong. He didn’t. He just got me baked, and then left me to my own devices. I cut myself that night, also for the first time in a LOOONG time. I’ve cut myself every night since. All the kids that I go to school with are younger than I am, all the people that I work with are older than I am, there’s no one my age that I can hang out with anymore, no one I can connect with anymore. I feel so alone. My family just lets me be, I can be in my room, in the dark for hours, they just leave me to suffer in my self inflicted “cave of pain” as I like to call it. They don’t talk to me, they don’t check on me. No one does. At my school during senior year, we have to help out in a lower level class, and at the end of the year give a big speech in front of the whole school about what we’ve learned or what we valued most during high school.. The teacher that I’m helping knows I’m having trouble with writing my speech, since the rough draft is almost two weeks late now. I almost broke down crying in front of him after class, after he asked me about it, when I started telling him about all the shit thats going on in my head, about how when I start to work on it I get this ball of anxiety that it won’t be good enough, that I’ll fail again, that I keep replaying the greatest hits of my failures. He just gave me a strange look and told me to grade some papers. He’s supposed to be helping me. All the other seniors have these great relationships with their teachers they can talk to them about anything. But not me. Is it me? Is it my fault? My fault that I can’t build meaningful relationships with ANYONE? Is it really? Am I an asshole? Is that why no one wants to be around me? Am I disgusting? Am I hideous? Do I send out this crushing wave up fucked-upness that everyone can sense? Is that why I’m alone? I know I walk around all the time with a damn frown on my face, but it’s because I don’t have a reason to smile anymore. I haven’t in a long time. Why should I pretend that I’m happy when I’m not? Will people talk to me then? Will they care? What if I pretend to be happy and they still don’t care? Then I’ll just be a liar. Is it worth it?