I’m tired. I was tired last night and today I’m still tired. It’s the feeling of being alone and thinking it will never change that manages to pull me down. I usually just muddle through it but last night it welled up and became overwhelming. I felt there was no way out other then to end it. I came up with a plan, one I thought and think is workable. I researched it on the web to make sure and in doing that research I found this site. This site has helped me,at least temporaly, to put my plan on pause. I read what people posted and were able to put into words what I could not. I always feel I’m alone that no one could possibly feel as I do or understand what’s in my head. I read one line that summed up how I felt about dying that was “”My brain wants me to die and yet my body does not”. It’s that that always stops me, my body. It seems to want to go on no matter what and for that I’m somewhat grateful. If it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t be writing this today, I’d have died long ago. Because of that I have discovered that some how things do get better, even if my brain says “NO”.
Today I’m just hanging on. I still would very much like to just say “Good Bye”, but yet I do not. Today I’ve talked to a friend about how I’m feeling and I’ve taken a step back. I still have my plan, I still may consider it. Life still seems empty and I’m still very tired of trying. But that’s today……….