My Story

I don’t understand why I’m here anymore. No one wants me around, so what’s the point?

It all started when I was 2 years old. My dad was an alcoholic. He used to put his hands on me and beat me for crying, talking or playing loudly. This continued for years. When I was 13, my dad let his friend pay him to rape me, and he did. A few weeks later, another friend did tried to do the same, only I got him to stop.

I began to cut myself. My father’s drinking problem got worse. My dad began cheating on my mother with her sister that lived with us. They now have 2 kids together. My father would put his hands on those kids and my little brother, and I would step in between and take the hits. It began getting so bad, my mom would call the police. They did nothing about it. My mother didn’t always know what was going on, she worked 12 hour shifts everyday.  The verbal and physical abuse kept getting worse. There would be times I would lay there unconsious for hours and no one would do a thing. I began lieing to all of my friends about my bruises and cuts.

My aunt Debbie was someone who was always there to take the pain away. The only person I felt would protect me from my father. She died of lung cancer in 2008. I felt so alone.

When I turned 16, on my birthday, my dad did the same. Bashed my head into the wall and kicked me everywhere he could while I was ont the ground. I moved out and stayed with my aunt for a while. I finally told my mom about the rape. My father lied to my mother and told her I let them touch me for drugs. I never touched a drug in my life. My mother began to watch how my dad treated us. My dad’s attention began more focused on my mother and his problems. My mother knew he was cheating on her. Me and my aunt would get into many physical fights over my mother. She was the only person every there for me, of course I was going to protect her. I moved back into my house to do so.

Things started dieing down and I thought things were going to get better. I even met a guy who treated me like a princess. I ended up getting pregnant. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant when I let my other friend drive my car, he went 110 down a curvy road and we wrecked. I lost my baby. I spent a week and a half in the hospital having a d&c procedure. Also, to take care of the internal bleeding in my kidney. No one came to see me except my mother. I layed there alone.

I had a close friend named zach. I thought everything was fine with him until one night, I got a phone call saying he had commited suicide. I wished it was me instead of him. I began cutting again. A few weeks later, my friend Chloe stabbed herself right infront of me while I was at her house. She had been raped and her boyfriend left her. She didn’t want to live anymore.

Me and my boyfriend stayed together, but we started arguing alot. He began to put his hands on me, constantly throw things at me, in my own house where I let him stay. I ended up going back to school after a month. I saw multipul facebook posts and comments from girls talking about how it’s a miracle I lost my baby, that I would have been a horrible mother anyway. I ended up getting expelled from school. I was a honor roll student preparing to go to Ohio State University.

My life began falling apart. I had no friends, no family. I never felt so alone. I finally left my boyfriend.

I got a new job to try and change my life around. It didn’t help that I already felt so depressed, so worthless. I tried to overdose on sleeping pills atleast 6 times. I tried hanging myself. So many things, but none of them worked. So I turned hard into pills and smoking marijuana. It became an everyday thing. I worked just to spend my money on drugs. I became someone I never wanted to be, a complete total heartless *****.

One of my friends ended up getting me put on probation for trying to fight her after she stabbed me in the back. Probation has ruined my life even more. My father finally moved out, but tension with my mother and aunt still increased. I fought my aunt 3 more times and caught a few assult charges ontop of my harrassment charges. Then I began sticking to my drugs as a way away from reality. I would let my friends push me around, just so I was never alone. I tried hard drugs I never though before about trying. I gave up everything I had left, just to go out and party with everyone and get high.

My mother kicked my father out, but things were still going downhill for us. She tried suicide, I cried myself to sleep everyday wishing I could take her pain away. I can’t lose my mother, she’s all I have left.

I ended up getting pulled over and caught with marijuana and pipes and getting arrested and charged. I went to jail for a little while. I got out less than a month ago, and I’ve been sober ever since. I promised my mom I wouldn’t do anymore drugs because she didn’t wanna see me on the path I was on anymore. But giving up drugs when you’ve been dependent on them for years, is extremely hard. No one understands me it feels like. Everyone around me leaves. I tried to focus more on myself, but it doesn’t work.

My “family” isn’t supportive except for my mother, who’s not around much because she’s always in her room crying to herself everynight praying to god she won’t wake up the next day. I still have to watch my aunt play the innocent secret wife with my dad. She’s at his house everyday. Coming between my father and brother, just like she did to me.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I tried to forgive my father, but he told me I was dead to him. That he never wanted me in the first place. I was a mistake to him. More and more of my friends began leaving me, last night I took alot of sleeping pills, and nothing happened. I never felt so worthless in my life.

Today, my own Uncle beat the shit out of me. I have marks all over my face. And for what? I wish I knew. I guess no one in this family wants me. Everyone just sat there and watched him to it, when I screamed and begged for help.

I never mentioned the small things in my life that just pile ontop of these. I never tell many people about what happened to me. One person I thought I could trust, turned on me. I feel like I have no one. I don’t want to go to counceling because why would I need to tell anyone all of these things so they can tell me everything’s going to be okay, when I know they won’t. I don’t know why I’m here anymore, and I don’t want to be. I wish someone understood.

More than anything, I wish I knew what it was like to feel wanted. I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I want a normal life. I wanna smile, and not know I’m breaking on the inside. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate not being able to trust anyone and have a real relationship with someone. I’m scared of this life. I’m scared of losing everything again. I’m scared of what I might do. I hate myself. I want this pain to go away. And I don’t wanna hurt anyone anymore, especially my mother and the people around me who try to care about me.