It’s hard to admit there is something wrong. It’s hard trying to put all my emotions into words. It’s frustrating that I don’t truly understand what’s wrong with me, therefore it is difficult for others to understand. I lost the respect for my mother when I was in seventh grade. Freshman year my father hit me and choked me and my mother just watched. I stopped talking to my family completely because I knew they didn’t wanna hear what I wanted to say. I am a junior in high school now and I had to switch schools this past year. Have you ever felt surrounded but isolated at the same time? Have you ever had tons of friends, but felt like you had no one? I play sports to clear my head and to keep from coming home. I cut, I cry, I scream. I have hit rock bottom and I keep sinking. I see darkness in everything. I see water and think drowning. I see fire and think of burning. I feel wind and think of suffocating myself. I don’t see the light. I feel like my insides are dying slowly. Like someone has stabbed me and wants me to suffer until I can no longer take it. I have tried to overdose on sleeping pills, doesn’t work. I tried talking to someone, doesn’t work. Because they don’t know me and they don’t know how I feel. They make me feel like I’m crazy for thinking the way that I do. I am NOT crazy. I fail at everything. I’m always a disappointment to everyone. I started to believe the things people thought of me. I believe in the words, “We were born to die.” I have started not to care about anything in the world. If I commit suicide, I commit suicide. If I get murdered, I get murdered. It is what it is. Maybe I’m not good enough to live anymore. This is the second time since April of 2012 that I have been this low. I went to Europe in the summer to clear my head, came back and a month later I was back to where I was before. No, I’m not looking for help anymore. I’m looking for someone to understand and tell me it’s okay not to be okay. My only support system is gone. Now I don’t know how long I will last. How much longer do I have in this hell-hole? I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of being the world’s punching bag. I’m tired of being a disappointment to my family. I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of being such a burden to everyone. I’m tired of never being good enough for anyone…
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6 comments
hi,
and yes seriously it is okay to not be okay my friend.just take a deep breath.just try to focus on your goals and you will do it.i am not able to understand if you really had a bad time in life but still my friend just try to make someone your real friend.someone whom you can talk and share things with.you can always contanct me whenever you want to.
Hey, if you’d like you can talk to me.I don’t think your crazy, I do the same things, I feel pretty much the same way. I’m not crazy either. So talk to me if you’d like.
e-mail: accessgranted.987@gmail.com
you are not alone. families just dont understand anything, they try pushing things under the rug and pretend that everything is ok, thats just what they do, its what people do, they dont want to have to deal with other peoples problems! theres nothing that i can say that will make u feel better at all. even if there was i know u wouldnt believe me! but its okay, i understand what ur going through because im going through the same thing for the past two years and its just too hard to keep telling myself that things will get better cause i know they wont. people come on here for a reason because they feel the same way as u do, you are not alone on this, all u need to do is reach out! you wont know the person and that may be weird but sometimes its better to not know the person because then they cannot judge you! if u want to talk all u have to do is ask! 🙂 x
Amy,
I don’t necessarily want to talk anymore. I just have lost all my cares in the world. Nothing anyone says makes me feel better. It’s almost like it’s just easier to sit and hide from everything going on. I just don’t know what to do anymore
X
hey dear,
you are too young as you are a junior in high school. feeling of, i am not okay or i may be more perfect is more common in this ages which in turn leads to disappointment. Let me tell you something. U can try to FOCUS on SELF DEVELOPMENT. Look, we have 24 hours in a day and we spend time on sleeping, eating , giving time to family, peer group , and of course studying. If we divide our time for every doing then we can get a clear idea about what to do.. Giving too much time in any section (e.g. giving too much time to peer group ) may breach the equilibrium condition. Although it is okay sometimes if life wants a reboot. Do things which make you one step ahead from others. try to understand what qualities you have. Do what brings you more happiness. May be helping others, hanging out, watching movies,listening to music etc. . I always believe one thing that machine cannot make us happy everyday and surely for long .TRY to Catch the Tone of the NATURE by staying close to that . i assume you understand what i meant. take care 🙂 . with love
i know how you feel pet, nothing matters anymore! everything is such a struggle so you just dont want to deal with it anymore! were kinda going through the same thing right now. i just give up its all not worth it anymore.. maybe we can share stories? idk .. x