I have tried to commit suicide
3 times since November 2012
and failed. Â My next attempt will
be next week. Â i am going to try
a new but very difficult method
because it is said to be a sure thing
and painless. Â Choosing a date to
exit is so difficult because there
are people who still love me and
would be sad if I am gone. Â The date
always coincides with some date
that is special. Â Now the waiting and
summoning the energy to put
together everything that I need.
I sleep 15 + hours a day and can
hardly get enough energy to get
up and eat and shower. Â The only
thing that brings relief from the
constant emotional agony is sleep
and I want so much to exit and have
the sleep that is eternal.
11 comments
Can you tell what you are pained over? What’s happened to you?
I have lost my home, my family, my job and even my dogs. I was in a very abusive relationship for 19 years and after helping my X become extremely successful he basically discarded me. I became addicted to drugs though now am ok but years of living with an alcoholic with Narcissist personality disorder reduced me to a shadow of my former self. My depression is so bad that I find it impossible to leave the house or get off of the couch though I am taking prescription meds prescribed by my doctor. I would be dead already if I had more energy to go buy the necessary supplies to exit. My three previous attempts may have damaged my liver and every day the depression gets worse. The only thing I am afraid of is transferring pain to those that I love and I wonder what the afterlife is. Will it be worse or will my spirit be at peace. To take this final irreversible step is deeply frightening but I have no hope of a better future.
I would like to realise that you do have a bright future but only if you turn your back on the thought of sacrificing yourself to death and to an afterlife of unknown proportions and nature.
You can establish a new home. You can establish a new family. You can get a new job. And you can even get new dogs. These are all within your capabilities. But first, you must recover. You must do all that you can to do this. You must WILL to live.
Your two past relationships were with abusive personalities. They are now in your past. You have nothing more to do with these past events. They are closed events. Your face now turns east to the rising sun.
Depression has insidious effects, yes. It paralyses your mind and body. This is why, you must take active control of your state of mind.
You will only be at peace once you cut the cords of the past from yourself. There are two principles that you will need become one with to do this. The one is Acceptance and the other is Forgiveness. Both must be Unconditional from your heart, mind and being. In this way, you will cut those cords that are holding you down in depression, paralysis and self-destruction.
If you do this, your past will finally be shut closed behind you. And your present will unfold for you the chance to start afresh and create a happy, loving new future. *hugs*
Thank you for your kind words. I think of the afterlife all of the time and what it will be like. Like everyone else all I know is this world. It is hard to leave the only thing that you have ever known. Though I was in an abusive relationship I made many of my own mistakes and the guilt and shame are impossible to bear. I am focused on suicide in all of my waking moments and after 3 failed attempts feel like it has to work this time. Waking up alive and in severe pain to face yet another empty day is simply too much. I find no joy in anything and the prescription antidepressants make my body feel like it is lead. I have known emotional pain before but not at this level where it permeates the whole body, causes your very own mind to attack you without stopping and colors everything you experience.
From your username alone, I already sensed what a kind-hearted and soft personality you are. You are a lovely woman.
With regards to the afterlife, well, there are numerous destinations which are possible. It all depends on the condition of one’s mind. Unresolved pain will only continue after death, because the mind after death, after giving up the body, will have no say over its destination unless it has practised certain spiritual disciplines such as the transference of consciousness by means of which it is able to transfer itself to a better place. The mind will unfold its unconscious and it will be driven helplesslessly by its karmas. At death, the storehouse of karma is carried with. There are thousands of hell realms, and yes, there are heaven realms, but without development of one’s spiritual potential, whose to say, we will not end up in the hells.
Turn your back on death then. Suffering does not cease at death.
pinkheartbroken,
i can’t tell you what to do that’s up to you, but i can tell you once you die that’s it! there is no after life only nothing forever and ever. so if your thinking your going get another shot by killing yourself you are not. that will be it for “pinkheartbroken”.
If you are open to the Buddhist teachings, here is a link to the Ksitigarbha Sutra
http://www.sinc.sunysb.edu/Clubs/buddhism/ksitigarbha/content.html
The Bodhisattva Ksitigarbha reveals all about the hells in it.
I do not believe we know where we are going after we die. I do know that I sometimes feel my spirit inside of my body. My religion is Unitarian Universalist and we do not believe in hell. So many wonderful people kill themselves. They like me can not bear the pain any longer. Even though I have tried it three times and failed I worry about the sure fire method that everyone believes will work and be a painless. I don’t want to mess it up and become handicapped. i did not believe that my life could get as bad as it did. Handicapped would surely be worse. In my 20s I lost everyone in my birth family except one sister. I did not think I could lose another family and be alone and in this much pain that is constant. I do not want to sound overdramatic but literally everything causes me to feel pain. I am not sure what I have to look forward to but a life of being alone.
What if you find yourself all alone after death? How will you make yourself a cup of coffee even? It’s hard, too hard, I know to keep thinking about what you’ve lost. But you are such a wonderful person. I can sense it from your writing and how you write, and what you say, and how you express yourself. You will not be alone. Whilst you are trapped in this dark place, yes, it feels like there’s no tomorrow that you can bear to see yourself living through. But you have to get yourself up, dust the past off yourself, and go out and meet the outside world. Where are your friends? *hugs*
Peacefuldreams I think you are the angel of The Suicide Project. I feel like a spirit trapped in the body of an animal. I have moved around so much to build the Xs career true friends are few but exist but can not understand deep emotional pain. Everyone is a stranger to me. My children were my life. I feel alone all of the time. Trying to exit is difficult and violent. To achieve a peaceful exit requires moderate to advanced technical skill. I am afraid to die alone. It seems so cruel and strange in a world full of millions of disconnected alienated people who are strangers to each other. I try to visualize the process and research the botched attempts but good information on suicide is hard to find and suppressed by the news. It seems people die so quickly but those who attempt like me survive. I have set the date as next week. I do not see the second half of my life as good or how I could be an asset to the world in the state that I am in. There must be a spirit life that is better and more loving than this world. I can not believe the cruelty I see on a daily basis. We really do seem like spirits trapped in the body of pure animals of barbaric nature.
ow, thanks pinkheart! mwa, that’s such a nice compliment to give to me! *hugs pinkheart*
This has happened to others. One partner sacrifices so much, whilst the other person climbs the business ladder, and then leaves. Obviously, this is terrible, terribly unfair, and terribly painful. There is a Chinese saying which goes like: When you have money and live in a mountain (I think this might be King over a Mountain), others, those you know and those you don’t know, relatives or not, will come to your door. But when you are poor and on the street, none of them will even acknowledge you.
In this situation, you were left with nothing. So, in this marriage of yours, you sacrificed everything to build his life and his future, whilst in the process, you were diminishing your assets and your own independence to zero. So, now he was faced with a spouse who was practically unimportant to him. She was now a zero to herself and him.
It is difficult to connect to others when you are in a state of collapse and exhaustion. If you keep thinking on how to make an exit, you may sorely pain and disappoint yourself in your expectations when you cross over. From my understanding of what’s beyond, the most excruciating pains we can ever experience on earth is only a fraction of the inconceivable pain that can be experienced on the other side. Your consciousness at present has only this body as an anchor to help itself grow and unfold it’s dormant spiritual potential. Once the body is gone, the basis for spiritual growth is also gone.