Nothing but my long story.

Well here goes.

I guess you can say I have a pretty good life. Thinking about some of the things I have, many still have more troubles than me, but I can’t help feeling like this life I’m living, isn’t really mine at all. Do you know what I mean?

I mean sometimes, you would walk about, head high, laughing at all the fun things in life, and then suddenly you just crash. The clouds in your head are replaced by the dense fog, a fog that’s so heavy it makes you drag your feet as you walk down the hallways. This fog never lifts; it just continues to cloud your head with nothing but the negatives in your life. You look at people in disgust, and figure why don’t you just end it. I mean, “No one is going to miss you”, right?

It’s like it hurts you deep down, not just the physical heaves or drooped shoulders, but the chips and shatters of the soul itself. What you feel is something that just throbs in the back of your head until you can feel nothing but that constant throb. Everything else blurs, and all the good and precious moments you shared in your life, just float away, replaced by the dark cloud that strikes you with all the faults of your poor self. You can feel nothing but all the wrong that has happened in your life, and the possibilities of how you can just end all this sadness welling up inside yourself.

I used to have so much motivation for the things I loved to do. For instance, I used to draw almost everyday. I loved to do it, but now I don’t find the point in it. There are better artists out there, so why bother?

Going back to the things that I find are pretty good in my life, I just find so much faults in them. I try so hard to do so well in school and at work and in my social life, but they just crumble.

I mean, I’m one of the most hardest working person at my workplace, but my manager loves to single me out. I mean, the other day, he event old me to stop coming to work looking so tired all the time. It wasn’t because I was juggling high school and work, but it was because I’d been so tired of life in itself, but how could I tell my employer that? So I just nodded. He probably didn’t even know that that comment drove me in a deeper abyss than I am now.

And my friends, I just went to pool with them the other day. It was fun, but they never really cared about me. I mean, I remember I told one of them my dad was in the hospital, but all she did was nod and then continued to talk about how her friend yelled at her the other day. They never really cared about my problems. And when I was sober while they drank, they told me to mix the drinks for them, considering I wasn’t doing any of it anyway. How does that exactly make me feel?

There’s this guy, and we’re pretty much unofficially official (if that makes sense?). Anyway, I wanted us to be a couple, but he told me this, “I’m not ready. I like you, but I don’t want to get into a relationship.” What is that even supposed to mean? I feel like he’s using me, just keeping me in a private corner because we never told any one about us. We were best friends before, but when he said this, I felt that he just used it as an excuse to be a filler girl, a girl he could just use and play around.

My family, I feel for them. I love them , I really do, but I honestly feel like they will be better off without me. They complain constantly about how I’m such a ***** to them, and how all I do is eat. Well, yea, I do overeat, but without me in their lives, they’ll save so much grief.

You see, I have this sort of fantasy where I just finally take the knife. Where I just leave this note, telling them about all the ordeals I’ve had. My parents would discover my body, and this note that just explains to them all the things I’d been feeling. Then they’d share this note with the other people I’ve previously mentioned. Here’s the twisted part; I picture two different scenarios; one where people cry and guilt themselves for not caring for me in the first place; for putting me through all this pain. But then the other dream I have is where no one really cares.

Well, I guess I’m just feeling a little depressed, but this has been going on for a few years now, and I’m just so tired of it all.

But I guess I’ll just fake a smile for now and see where that leads.