standstill

sometimes id love to just bang my head against the kitchen table till i bleed to death.You see im caught between this road of all for killing myself yet slightly afraid.Not Afraid of whatll happen to me but to everyone else.My families is bad but not that bad. Im afraid by living im making my life worse and that by dying ill make there lives worse. I told my mom recently after my admission to the hospital that i felt everyone that theyd be better off if i was dead. But my mom told me how everyone acted when i was away at the hospital and it seemed they did bad when i wasnt there. But i hurt everyday im stuck here. ANd now its not fair cause i feel like i have to choose between them and me. I dont give a shit about by myself but by killing myself im sparing myself from more pain . Im caring for myself. If i stay for mysefl im catering to the needs of other. This decision is not fair i dont want to be in charge of making it anymore. A death that was an accident would be perfect. Maybe stepping in front of a car might work. But if i dont die and just end up paralyzed im screwed. I really am stuck at a cross road and im not prepared to go down any path i just want to stand still. Please if there is a god dont let these hurricane of decisions swallow me whole.let me know what to do.