I haven’t been on here for a really long time.
I thought thing’s were bound to get better. I am getting so sick and tired of people telling me what they think they should do, when in reality, they don’t even know what the hell is going on. I was late to school today, because my uncle was giving a speech about respecting my parents. I know that this is necessary. I’m not stupid and I’m not a bad child. I just don’t complain to the world like my parents do (well, except for this). No one know’s what goes on inside my head or behind closed doors. They see what they want to see- and that’s me being a rebellious, ungrateful child and that I’m just causing trouble for my parents. I admit, in some cases that is true, but people don’t choose to look further. They don’t ask why I do what I do.
Every one is so scared or they just don’t care to know my side. They want to keep this image in their head’s that I’m the problem.
I hate myself a lot, because to the people that try to care, I just can’t let them in. Vunerability and I just aren’t… compatible.
The only time I was able to be vulnerable was when I was hospitalized in November. For a whole week I felt at peace.
I am just so curious to know why I’m stuck with people I have to call family that can’t even stand the sight of me. I just feel like I’m useless. Everyone around me seems to have a sense of belonging. I know that not everyone feels that way, and that there are poeple like me, but I still feel like everyone else has someone or something that they’re living for and I’m just taking up space. My therapist tells me to wait until I graduate college and get a job, but for what? I have nothing to live for. I’m going to be alone and I’m going to have nothing that matters in my life. I don’t care for expensive things, I don’t care for romance, I just want my life to hold value. I don’t even find myself to be worth anything. That’s my main problem. I could die tomorrow, I’d be the subject of conversation for a week or two, people would pretend to be sad, and those that are actually sad would forget about me in less then a month.
I honestly feel like I’ve lived my life and that my time is done. I feel so ungrateful, but I just see no point in living.
4 comments
Hey aimee. I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering so much. I realize that you’re really frustrated with your life right now, but maybe you could try being more respectful to your parents? Maybe if you sat down and talked to your parents rationally about how you are feeling, then they will take you seriously and get you the help that you need. Its easy for parents and teachers to label someone as a ‘bad kid’ but its harder to try and find out why a kid is acting rebellious or defiant.
I’ve tried that route before, and I’m trying it again right now. It’s just difficult for me obeying them when I have little respect for them. I’m just trying to make all the right decisions because it’s beneficial to me and not because it’ll make them happy. I’m just frustrated with them, because I wish I could just have parents that truly do care and love me.
I don’t really know what to tell you about your parents…
Don’t know what kind of people they are…
Will not take their side or yours in this matter because I don’t know the whole story about your relationship with them.
But if there is the slightest chance that they would listen to you, talk to them.
No one can know your side of the story if you don’t tell them. They can’t read your mind.
And you said there are people in your life that care
It’s true, it’s hard to open up to people, expose your emotions, you feel vulnerable…
But that’s the only way to really change things if you really want to.
I’m sure there is *at least* one person who wouldn’t judge you
for what bothers you in life. Talk to that person!
It’s not true that people would forget about you when you die.
It’s been years since I talked to a girl I met on my summer holidays. We didn’t even become close friends, she’s just a random person I once met, but still think of her and the great times we shared.
And I don’t even care about her…
So how do you thing YOUR friends and family could forget about you?
That is nearly impossible! Maybe if they get Alzheimer’s…
I’ve tried talking to them, but they don’t want to hear it. They think I make everything up in my head or they think I’m just being manipulative, or dramatic.
I know I have to expose myself if I want to get help, but I feel like no one understand’s because what I’m feeling isn’t normal. It isn’t right.
Thank you for your help though. It means a lot.