Why….Why cant I die

Why cant I be gone already? Why am I still here hoping for change when more terrible stuff happen? Why when i beg God to be dead the more bad stuff happen to me. I guess it just my bad luck. My life is to complicated right now but i keep holding on but then again there will be no change. But i won’t let go. No. Not now. Not when there are those few people that care so much. Not when i start feeling a bit of love. But then I can’t stop that thought. That thought that makes me hurt myself and i attempt to self harm and then self harm leads me to the point where killing myself is the only option. But the more i try…… it doesn’t work. My suicidal plans never work. No one understands me and what I’m going through. I wish there was someone at night to hug other than my pillow. But the worst part is that to me the persons that care are those boys who have little crush on me but that’s not what i need. What I need is someone to talk to. someone who understands what I’m going through and can relate, someone who would like me no matter what I do or look like and someone who cares. Why can’t everyone be like that? Barely anyone is like that so i wanted to die but then again its too hard to die.