I want to cut again. But I’m trying really hard not to. I’m going away tomorrow with a few friends and if I make more cuts it wouldn’t go unnoticable – I don’t even know if it will go now.
It’s getting harder. I pretend it is not. But it really is.
It’s been over a week that I’ve heard from my bestfriend/(ex)lover, so I guess that means it really is over. I kinda don’t care about losing the lover part, but I do care about losing my bestfriend. But I guess he didn’t care after all. I dreamt about him last night. In my dream I had told him everything, he looked at the scars, and he understood. But then I woke up, and reality slapped me across the face. Yeah, reality is a *****. Anyways I really need to stop thinking about him. I need to accept that he didn’t care afterall and, as usual, I expect too fucking much from people. Need to stop doing that.
Studying and working is going to kill me. It really is. I don’t have the energy to do it all. My parents think it will make me give more value to what I have. I give value to what I have, to everything they have given me! But apparently I show the opposite. I can never do anything right. But really, this is going to kill me. I’m not strong enough. And since I’ll be alone, I guess I might come really really really really close to ending it all, maybe even going through with it.
I have kinda met someone. Nothing serious. But I’m afraid of getting involved. I don’t want to stop cutting, and he would notice. How fucking stupid do I even sound? There’s no place to cut that would be completely unnoticed once you are with someone. Gosh, it sucks. I don’t want to stop cutting. And yes, I just started it just a few days ago, but as I keep on saying – those cuts are the only real thing about myself. And it’s somehow helping, so no, I won’t quit. Anyways it’s not like I would want a serious relationship (even though my mom keeps telling me I should find some stability with a guy, that would do me good, blah blah), I don’t really trust guys at the moment. So I guess it will be just me and my cuts.
I have made an appointment with a psychologist (that also works along with a psychiatrist) about 2 weeks from now. I did because I really can’t focus while studying, and need some medication. But now I’m wondering if I should seek some medication for depression, or some theraphy of some kind. But then I am afraid they won’t give me the other medication I want (adderal). What should I do? I’m 20, I’m too young to start taking anti-depressives. Then I’ll need them for the rest of my life. And I don’t want to.
Gosh, how everything is just getting unbearable. I just want to cry, scream, punch something. I can’t sleep properly, and I’m back to crap sleeping schedules – I slept 16hours last night, I wasn’t even that sleep deprived. I just couldn’t get up and kept on falling asleep.
I’m getting absorved by the black hole again. I feel dead already.
Fuck, I really want to cut.
17 comments
I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly, hazelleyes… 🙁 Perhaps if you withdraw from school so you can focus only on getting better…?
I first started taking anti-depressants when I was 19; if those pills hadn’t existed…I doubt I’d be alive right now… I promise, the people who care about you will prefer you being dependent on medication to you being miserable…or dead…
Does any of that help? I’m not feeling terribly well either…
I don’t want to withdraw from uni.. It’s the only thing that I’m proud of in my life. Well, not proud of my performance in it, since I can’t do shit, since I have been failing everything, but I don’t want to give up. I really don’t. My parents want me to, or to change degree. But it’s a really good uni, and saying that I go there is one of the good things I am able to say about my life..
No one knows about how I really feel. Haven’t really told anyone..
Why aren’t you so well? Want to talk?
…cuz the world sucks…and becoming a god is impossible… 🙁
Did anything happen today tho?
And yeh, world, life, society, everything sucks.
Um…sort of… Is it okay if I tell you in email? My address is scott1139 @ gmail.com (without the two spaces in the middle)
Even when your life is that rough, you don’t want to leave school…I’m seriously impressed by your strength and determination–I really am! 🙂 Unfortunately…wait, could you take fewer classes?
Emailed you already.
I don’t want to leave it cus it’s a really good university. And I don’t want to work, but I know I’ll have to.. I can’t cus I’ve already left so many behind that I need to catch up somehow.. That’s why I’m trying to get adderal.
I don’t know how to not cut. I guess go somewhere you can’t. Except I think that’s what you’re doing this weekend anyways. I don’t feel helpful, but I don’t know what to do.
If your bestfriend is really amazing then maybe they’ll try to help you if they notice. Then you’ll have someone to give you an actual hug and it may help.
Reality is worse than a *****, but I can’t think of much worse to call it so nevermind. Have you told you parents that if you have to work you won’t have time to study? I hope they figure it out fast enough.
I’m glad you finally have an appointment. I think you should request adderal if they don’t offer it. Anti depressants wouldn’t be too bad.
Btw, I read you email, but didn’t have time to reply. I’m actually gone for most of the weekend too, so I may not answer or be on here for a few days.
I’m just afraid my friends will somehow see the cuts and start asking questions.. I’ll be very careful.
I’m not even going to try anything else. Like I said before, I just want him to be happy. So whatever.
My parents would rather I work instead of studying (at least for this semester since I can’t transfer to another degree/university mid year), so the decision of still being in uni is really mine.
How was your day? Did you try the plan? 🙂
Okay, I think as long as you tell them something vaguely reasonable they’ll believe it. If they’re drunk that will help too.
That’s nice of you. You should at least feel good knowing you did something for him.
Ah, now I get it. That’s tough, if you tell them you have adderal and ask for maybe a month or two to try to get your grades up without having a job to distract you would they agree to that?
I tried the plan. It sort of went okayish in a so/so way. Basically things got worse as the day went on. There’s that thing with reality again. Maybe I should have expected it to fail and started the day in a bad mood, you know if I lower my expectations my results will seem better.
Yeh let’s see how it goes.
Nop, that won’t work. I’ve already spent all the opportunities they gave me. Last semester was for me to show that I could actually do it – and I didn’t show that, I did even worst. Anyway, I need to work, that’s for sure. Otherwise no money.
Why sort of okayish? Want to explain? But it’s good to look forward for something once in a while..
Worth a shot.
Well that sucks, but you could tell them this time you have medicine.
I think I’ll post it, give me a few minutes.
Yeah but they don’t believe that I have concentration problems and that the medicine will help.
Sure, I’ll wait.
How can they just not believe you have trouble concentrating? Do they know about your appointment?
awww dont cut. You will regret it ya know. You will have scars and scars are something that will follow with you for the rest of your life. Ya know that i cutted with a razor and my mom found out. I wanted to make it go away but it was too late. They are know on my arm on there. I have to wear a sock on my left hand so my dad and brother dont find out. I regret it still and i wish i had never done it :(((((..,.. so dont cut…. wrists are for bracelets. Not for cutting. Live life and be happy. Even though you are not happy, you will be when you keep your head up high and think ”wow i made it through and now i can live free”….. besides if you dont kill yourself you will live sucessful…. you can find happiness even through the darkness of times….
Yeah they know but they don’t believe it will help. I will just have to prove otherwise.
youngbulliedvictim, I appreciate the words, but being happy is that simple, otherwise I’d be happy. My life won’t be that long, so I can live with the scars – they are who I am. And don’t worry, I don’t cut too deep. Just deep enough so I can feel something, release some pain.
To youngbulliedvictim: I know you mean well, but there are some people for whom being happy is a lot more complicated than you say…
I’m really sorry your scars won’t go away, though… 🙁