so here is my story. i have suffered from major depression for more than 30 years. i first remember being suicidal at age 9. my middle school has 3 stories and i would look out the window wondering if the fall would kill me. never tried and never told anyone about those thoughts. tried the pill and cutting thing in high school. i also drank a lot. in college my dorm was 10 stories. i lived on the second floor. thought about jumping from a 10th floor window everyday. never told anyone about those thoughts either. after being married for just a year some heavy duty shit hit the fan. that was the push i was looking for and i tried od’ing on a variety of pills-depakote, topamax, to name a few. i was in my truck as i lost consciousness. where i was found was not where i started. someone was looking out for me because i missed driving 35mph into a swimming pool by a few feet. that landed me into the “nut hut”. being there was like hitting the reset button -i felt loved and cared for. the second time in the “hut” was not such a positive experience. i left just as angry and depressed as i was before. but i can talk a good game so got out after a few days. of course how long you are there is largely predicated on how good your insurance is! through the years i can’t tell you how many times i held a gun to my head. i have been on just about every kind of med. some of them would work for awhile but the depression would always come back. i have also had ect. that didn’t work either. so this time around i promised i would try again. i am looking into tms. of course that depends on insurance too. i am currently in therapy and on 6 meds to control this depression. i have set a spring target date for when this should get better or else its over for me. i will have tried everything . i have a plan . where, when (generally) and how. haven’t acquired the means but that won’t be hard. need to tie up some loose ends-pay bills etc. the life insurance isn’t much but it will have to do. i don’t know if there is any moral to this story. only that this time there likely won’t be anyone to rescue me. gun shots are pretty permanent.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
Kristenk: looking longingly out the windows below? Been there, done that. Trying every treatment offered? Done that too.
Not sure what to say…just wanted you to know you’re being heard.
I hear you. Looking out the windows, staring at the subway line, and just wondering, standing there, one step away from my biggest desire.
But I didn’t do it. And you haven’t either.
I didn’t cus I wouldn’t be able to do that to my mom. Not yet. And maybe there is someone who is also that kind of support for you? You said you were married, maybe your spouse is that support for you? Anyways, maybe if you let the people who care for you be there, maybe the days might get a little bit more bearable.. I hope so..
Anyways, I’m here if you ever want to talk 🙂
thank you dragonflywhisper and hazelleyes for the support. for various reasons going back to childhood i have hidden myself. you know the stuff-humiliation, indifference,just looking for attention etc etc. i had a high school boyfriend write me a poem about me being in a glass cage and not knowing how to get me out. when you feel powerless keeping suicidal thoughts/actions secret is a form of power. and because all of this is old hat i don’t bother my friends with it anymore. keeping secrets has been my m.o for all my life. unhealthy as it is. the pathetic part of this whole deal is that the only people who know what is going on are the ones i am paying. and a friend who won’t respond to me anymore. well sucks to be me. anyway thanks for the comments, i appreciate them.