Semi-Happy

So, Emily isn’t my friend anymore. I just ignored her all day, wouldn’t talk to her at all, and in 4th period, she gave me a note saying that she wouldn’t bother me anymore. As happy as this makes me, most of my thoughts are drifting toward something. See, I wore some makeup and jewelry and stuff today (I don’t usually do that). The weird thing is that Trevor stared at me every time I saw him. The reason that it makes me think is because he used to do that all the time. Everyday. It was so wonderful. Regardless of what I was wearing. Even when my hair looked completely terrible. He still stared at me. I even smiled at him one time, and he ducked his head and blushed. See? What do you think it was? Maybe he just thought I was nasty or something. I just…. I thought he liked me. And even now, talking about it and thinking about it, I can feel that happiness again. It made me happier than I’ve ever been to know that someone that I liked so much accepted me and liked me just as much as I liked him. But, then, I fall down again into the present. The present where he doesn’t like me. Or, at least, I don’t think he does. I still occasionally catch him looking at me. I don’t know. I’m probably just making something out of nothing. But it still makes me wonder, regardless of the circumstances. Maybe he likes me, but he likes Kendall, too. Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize that no guy likes me, and no guy ever will. Realizing this always helps me keep up my guard. I’m sick of hurting. That’s why I put my guard up. I don’t want to end up like I have so many times before. It’s ridiculous that I have to feel the way I feel and put up these walls. But it’s all that I know how to do. I can’t do anything else. I’m tired of nothing going right. Gosh,  I just………. Even though  I had a good-ish day, I still want to curl up in a fucking ball and cry. I mean, I have guys that I’m pretty sure like me, but then I let my walls down. I’ve got three right now that everyone thinks they like me. I don’t care if they do. None of them make me feel how Trevor does. Trevor, even when he has a girlfriend, even when he doesn’t know me very intimately, he still treats me like a princess. He held open doors for me, put things up for me, etc. Oh, and when we were at All-Region tryouts, I was walking with him and Kendall. He kept on leaning in and whispering to her, and I felt like he didn’t want me there, so I said a quick, embarrassed goodbye, and went to the bathroom. When I went to where my stuff was at, I saw them walking with a worried look on their faces that vanished when they saw me. “There she is, Trevor!” is what Kendall said when I walked in. I don’t know if he was worried about me, or if she was, but she said it in a way that made me think that it was him who was worried. It was sweet. It made me feel like somebody actually cared. And I think he still does. I mean, that wasn’t that long ago, anyway. And I know that it doesn’t mean that he likes me, but I still had a really good time with him, and I found out that he’s actually a really cool person, and I would love to even be friends with a person so great. And hey, if they ever break up, I’ll let him know that I’m available. God, I’m sick of walls. What fun are they? Screw the walls. If I like somebody, I’m gonna go after them. And that’s that. Man, life is fun!