the plan

I have been talking to a few close friends about this but not yet written it down, this site is a great idea, ive just joined and im looking forward to reading more-its somewhat refreshing to not only know others out there are feeling like ending their life but that interaction is also possible- which is important.

Im a mature student in my finial year of uni, i dont really drink or do drugs anymore, its taken me 8 years to get to this point as my teeneage years and general social circles are all based on booze.drinking was making me miserable, so i stopped or well cut back alot- but…now im bored, it comes and it goes- i have college and various things that take up some time, then its back- and it seems to be getting worse- about a year or two ago (several months of cigarettes actually) i started have suicidal thoughts , i was gripped with a kinda of unhappyness in myself that i figured the only way to stop it would be to end my life (i started smoking again too). I decided that wallowing in suicidal fantasays was not a healthy way to be- so i hatched a plan…to persavere with this bordom, this saddness, this unhappyness for another decade, then end my life- this removed the option for suicide as a current means of dealing with my headspace-a safety mechanism …its also given me a chance to try and get my story accross to close friends and family, and that if the time comes for me to end it they hopefully wont be as upset if i just killed myself and left a note. I feel in charge of my life somewhat more, and i also think i have the right to end it when i want to- but im also painfully aware that others will be upset by this, and that my pain might end but others will end up hurting because of me- this is frustrating – and im discovering an impossibility, becuase no matter what i say or how i approach it- people wont/cant accecpt it…ive told a few-im going to be very very carefull who i tell and how from now on. the one good talk i had was with a young friend who survived an attempt and we were able to just talk normally about it without emotions and freak outs occuring.

Im not a religeous person, i dont have any major negative life events such as abuse or obvious mental illness to deal with. ive had a happy life so far and apart from a vague idea for future plans after college everything in my life is pretty perfect (apart from this girl i love-which im now pretty sure is really just a symptom of my unhappyness rather than the cause of it- i did have a romantic notion that she can “save me” but at the same time see it as a dream and not a very helpfull one at that, i have certainly let thoughts of her upset me and elate me over the last few months). the fact that everything is ok really in my life makes things worse- knowing there are people out there with genuine shit storys and have had awfull things happen-they still manage to live and be happy-i feel bad for not being able to enjoy my life more…then thoughts of other people around the world being much much worse- hunger and war and mysery..and heres me-living a relative life of luxury,an unwanted life.
i have never come close to taking my own life- i dont know what id do , im aware i can change my mind but also that since making this decision ive been thinking about it alot more, these bad patches are regular and im getting more and more warey each time i have to pick myself up and carry on. i dont want to go back to the drink or other drugs- temp fix that makes things worse in the long run-esp if used regularly. Ive been seeing a councillor in uni for over 2 years but even that has stopped working- she tells me i need to love myself- i dont understand, in a way if i did truely love myself id just end it now but something tells me she does not mean that!

thank you for reading 🙂