This can’t be real.

This is my story. In the 16 years I have been alive, I have dealt with my parents divorcing, twice. Being the left out little sister. Gaining two little sisters, and losing them 6 years later. Gaining a stepbrother, and getting a step mother, who makes me feel incredibly unwelcome in my own home. My mother had breast cancer when I was 4, but thankfully survived. Although, she wishes she hadn’t. I have moved to 5 different towns, and now live back in my hometown. I recently moved out of my mother’s after she kicked me out. She had cut herself over her ex boyfriend  then began dating him again. Was I really expected to be supportive? Apparently, so. The night she kicked me out, I texted her saying “I love you so much”. Her response was “Don’t contact me again.” I now live with my father, his wife, and my stepbrother. My father is very religious. If I told him about my depression, he would try and send me to christian counseling, because he doesn’t believe in depression or regular therapy. Don’t get me wrong, I believe the same faith as him, just not as strongly. If there is a god out there, why hasn’t he answered any of my prayers? In 2012 alone, I lost four of my friends. Two to suicide, one to a car accident, and one to leukemia. Even today, unless I am visiting their individual graves, the thought of them being gone seems unreal. I hide away in my room every day after school, until I go to bed. I find myself having thoughts about death very often. I think about ways to die, the process, what happens after, there are endless possibilities. But in the end, none of it really makes sense. I always end up feeling like a person who has lost their mind. I know I do not have the willpower to actually commit suicide, especially after attending two suicidal friends’ funerals. I can not hurt my few friends like that. This is just a summary, but I am selfishly dissatisfied with my life. I hate myself more and more each day. I don’t know what I can do at this point, and I strongly wish I was gone. Dead. Away from here. I have grown to be very independent, but I’ve lost control. I need help. Anyone?