Alone

I almost ended my life after my drama performance.
I was stage manager, so I wasn’t an actor, like all of my friends. Already I was alone.
All I heard at the lunch table was how much fun it was, and how I should join drama. In it, no one talked to me, and I felt alone all the time. I felt abandoned.

Now these same friends say that I can talk to them about anything. But, in class they rarly talk to me, and I feel alone. I have SAD, and I need my friends now. They are seniors, and are leaving next year, and I will probably never see them again.
Getting back to the story, during the play, I went into the hallways, where everything was dark. I found a dark corner, and curled up listening to music. I felt so tired, and sad. The sadness was getting worse, and I started stroking my scars on my arms from where I cut them. Strange, I feel horrible when someone else cuts, but I feel fine when I cut.
After the performance, everyone was getting their picture taken with friends, family, and fellow actors. I didn’t take a photo with anyone. No one asked. I felt even more alone.
The director told me to dispose of some glassware. As I was taking them to the trash, something happened to my mind. I can’t describe it, but I looked at the glassware, and I tried to smash them, so that I could get a piece of glass to slit my wrists and die. The glassware, however, was too thick, and wouldn’t break. So, I went into a classroom, and found a paperclip. I knew it wouldn’t kill me, so I proceded to cut. While going down the hallway, I thought about cholking myself with my headphones. The thought of someone, preferably a close “friend” finding my dead body, and everyone in tears made me giddy. I dismissed cholking myself, as my headphones were the cheap brand that break really easily. As I went downstairs, that state of mind I had been in vanished, and I realized what I had almost did. I had thought about suicide before, sure, but it never got that close. I panicked, and broke down in a dark corner.
I must have cried for ages.
Two people passed me, one asking who was there, the other saying no one was there. I knew those kids, and it hurt what they said.
Finally, a friend of mine came over, and asked why I was crying, and if I was OK. I couldn’t even finish the sentence of “I don’t know”. She then told me to hang tight as she went to get my close friend James (not real name). A few seconds later, my friend Sherry (not real name) came, and just hugged me. I sobbed into her shirt, and she asked me why I was crying. I told her the truth. I said “I almost killed myself”
She just held my tighter, and let me cry.
James eventually showed up, and asked if I was OK. Why do people ask that when it’s clear that no, I wasn’t OK as I was crying my eyes out. Sherry told him to leave, and he left. Prick.
More people came, and Jill (not real name) said that I couldn’t cry yet. She thought I was crying that drama was over, not that I had almost killed myself. Liz (not real name) knew about me having SAD, guessed that I was crying due to something more serious. When I told her, she said that it was OK, and that if ever I needed anything, just to call her. She is one of the only friends I have who actually keep her word. Other people came, and stayed to comfort me. Afterwards, I told Sherry about my cutting, just her. She told me about how she cuts, and for me not to go down that road with her.
I enjoyed the cast party, well, at least I was laughing.
The only thing is, most people saw me crying, don’t know what I almost did. Most still don’t get it, and I still feel alone. I feel like I have to say, “Hey, I’m gunna die here unless you stop me!” for them to notice me. I don’t want to put that kind of burden on them, but I need my friends. Now that they are ignoring me, I feel so alone.

I still feel numb, and I just feel like crying every night. My attitude towards schoolwork/homework is dropping, and I have midterms soon. I have hight enough grades to keep me afloat, but I need my friends. I need them to know how I feel, and that I need them, but I don’t want to be a burdon.
I don’t know how to tell them how hurt and sick I am.

Thank you for listening to me and my petty tale.