I think it’s time for me to go. I’m still fucked up, if not more fucked up than when I first came here. Trevor loves Kendall, and I think it’s time for me to realize it. Yeah, he flirts with me, but he flirts with pretty much every girl; he’s a flirty person. He doesn’t like me. My grandma isn’t going to get better. Lacey and Papa aren’t going to come back. My parents love my little sister more than they love me. I can’t make them happy. I take all Pre-AP courses offered, I quit cutting, I’ve never had detention, I’ve kept all A’s,  I took the ACT and made a 22, I’ve been in band for 2 years and kept first chair the whole time, and there’s so many more things. Are they happy? No. I’m always doing something wrong. I can’t be sad or be alone. They get mad and give me a lecture. Then they ground me. They ground me for wanting to be alone. They ground me for being in a bad mood. I’m sick of it. This whole time, they’ve loved my sister more than they loved me. What did I do wrong? I know they love Megan more because she never gets in trouble. If we fight, I get in trouble. I’ll be in a good mood, she’ll be in a bad one, and then she’ll be mean to me, and I’ll get in trouble for it. I don’t even do anything and I still get in trouble! Hell, I stay in my room to avoid getting in trouble, and I get in trouble. I don’t talk so I can’t get in trouble for being hateful, and I get in trouble. Megan will hit me, and then I’ll tell her to stop, she won’t, and I’ll scream at her to stop. I get in trouble. I can’t hit her back. “Oh no, Courtney, you can’t hit her; you’re bigger than her!” is what I hear all the time. “But she hit me first! What am I supposed to do?” is what I say. “Just stand there and take it! It’s not like she can hit that hard!” is what I hear. But here’s what they don’t know: it does hurt. And I hurt her back anyway because I’m not going to stand there and let that little brat do whatever the hell she wants to do! She does hit hard, and if I don’t do anything, she keeps on! I’m sorry, I don’t like bruises! Anyway, I’m sick of it all. I’m not killing myself yet, but I probably will. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. Goodbye.
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2 comments
Trumpet? Maaaan. Thats a sick instrument.
I wouldnt pull the shades just yet friend. Give yourself a couple hours of thinking and reading some things over first. I’ve been in more than my share of abusive situations.
it sounds like you’re in highschool? But I guess I can’t really tell; but I do understand what you’re feeling and going through. Boy depression sucks. For a chick that’s so intelligent, it would be a shame to lose someone as yourself. There’s not many smart people left in the world.
Trevor sounds like a player and an asshole. If he’s making you cry, then he’s not worth your tears. Someone that flirts around and plays with girl’s hearts is just an inconsiderate and arrogant human being with no regard for the feeling of others around him. Play him at his game. Ignore him. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you care about what he’s done. Guys like him feed off of a girl’s emotional need for a guy. But be strong and independent. I know you can (shit first chair in band? Yeah. You can do it.) its about pulling out that inner strength. When he sees how radiant and beautiful you are without him, he’s going to re-think that decision. You don’t need him. You will find another man that will treat you right.
I’m very sorry about your grandma. The death of a grandparent is so hard. Its going to be ok though. Just know that they love you. Do what you can to help. This is a part of life, but know that their spirits dont ever really leave us.
As for the family life. That all pretty much sucks too. It sucks when you’ve got another sibling around that gets you in trouble all the time. As a kid you need that emotional support from your parents; unfortunatly it doesnt always work out that way. Take the credit that you can get out of them, but learn how to congratulate yourself. You have many talents and options open and ahead of you. Don’t end it all because others are too blind to see that. Have faith in yourself, and you’ll move mountains girl.
Hahaha ewww pre ap classes sucks. Trust me I know how it feels, taking advanced classes, honors. I failed my ACT and got a 21 because I didnt finish my essay, my SAT score is way higher haha….it doesnt matter what we do… :/ none of that ever made me feel any better about myself, then again i always procrastinate and had horrible grades…do what makes you feel right? Don’t live for anyone else….sacrifiing yourself for others…i dunno im not one to talk since my lifes a disappointment, failed the ones who wanted me to be a college grad and i failed myself because I hate me and know the child i once was would hate me too. Peace from one poor excuse for a new adult to a youn adescant who’s not too far gone to make changes..