I searched for a chat room just to talk to someone about killing myself. There doesn’t seem to be such a thing. I’m really not suicidal, I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die. About 3 weeks ago I was with my dad when he died. It was the worst experience of my life, yet a beautiful one. He was almost 98 yrs. old and went very peacefully, at the end. And, it’s really brought back all my wishes for death. I was hospitalized once and diagnosed suicidal. But, I had no clear plan even then, I just wanted to die. My husband, at the time, had gotten our babysitter pregnant and I just lost “it”. But, I seemed to get help and continued to live my life, then my daughter became a teenager. She has attempted suicide several times, is a self injurer, has numerous diagnoses, basically me all over again, but she has knowledge I never had and is extremely rebellious, she has hit me, stolen money from me and destroyed my house to the point that I have no living room furniture, no bedroom door, no dishes or cookware and no one has been inside of my house for over 2 years. I’ve called the police numerous times, she was arrested once, but I had to go pick her up after about an hour. The last officer told me to “hang in there until she is 18 and then get a restraining order and kick her out, I have 9 months and 12 days until then….in the meantime, no one knows what it’s like to have just written that,…the shame,…because I raised her to be this,…and, I sit here telling an anonymous chat room my wish to die. I can go days, if I’m not working, without talking to another human. There is no one I can talk to. I have no money–it all goes for my daughter to get help, she has been to numerous therapists and psychiatrists. I just want to die. I want to go to Heaven and be with my dad and Jesus. I feel my mind going just like before. My thoughts are like rocks falling over a cliff and I feel like I’m getting to the point where I fall with them,…I truly cannot take this anymore, or at least, getting to that point, very close to the edge of the cliff,…How am I supposed to cope with my dad’s death–he was a very good, wonderful man, my daughter’s ridiculous behavior, the fact that there is not even one person whose life would be touched by my death? I think that’s it,…I don’t know why God doesn’t take my life??? There is not one person who would care,…I don’t even know if anyone would come to my funeral, for that matter, who would even arrange a funeral for me???? My daughter would be throwing a party with the insurance money,…a quote from her: “I should become a Christian just so I could pray for God to kill you, I hate you that much.” Wow. I just really, really want to die. Really.
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9 comments
well my brother is the same way im 15 and I may not know much about you or your situation thats going on, but you need to get that girl under control. i know you dont want to hurt her but talk to her, do drastic things if you must but you NEED to get the point across that this all needs to STOP and she needs to be mature and stop all of this. tell her about your past.. you cant blame yourself for your daughter, youve tried the best you could right? i know you must be thinking i could have tried better. but to be honest being a parent doesnt come with an instruction manual, you dont know what to expect.. yell at her, if she hits you hit her back, if she breaks things of yours break things of hers, you are her MOTHER her DOMINANT and she is your child. get the point across and help eachother.. thats all i can say for now. sorry if this doesnt help.
xx Open wounds // closed world
Your having a major breakdown and it seems like everything has gone wrong in your life. You will take back control eventually but that’s not going to happen overnight. The changes that need to occur are not only the relationship you have with your daughter, her problems and your ex husband but also how you cope with them. It’s a difficult situation.
I think you should tolerate your daughter for now. You might want to give her another chance in that time. You could check out other sites and read books on how to deal with unruly teens. It’s not your fault and you just have to do the best you can.
Despite what you say, I don’t think you’ve gotten over what you ex-husband did. Who would. You will overcome it eventually. Everyone grows forgetfull and move on with their lives it just takes a very long time.
the books dont help sub :/
@ selbst your probably right but it’s a positive step. It’s impossible to know exactly what do do in this situation. No one can advise you or get you out of it because they don’t know the people involved and how they will react.
Sometimes it’s about having a glimmer of hope to begin with and later adapting to events.
Yes I agree with Selbstmord. It seems like your best bet would be: to try to share a description of your pain with your daughter. Somewhat like what you’ve written here; if you’re honestly trying to tell her that you feel like you’re at the end of your rope then I think you’ll be surprised at how she listens and cares again.
Children tend to think of parents as invincible. When we’re told about how scary things have been for our parents in their past, it brings strength and respect. So she’ll probably benefit from your past and present concerns I think. Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope things get better for you soon.
@changeling props to you
i bet someone will miss you when your gone. you just haven’t met them yet. i hope you’ll hang in there until you do. thanks for sharing your story.
Don’t give up on her. Show her love and forgiveness. She doesn’t hate you. She is confused. You have to believe that. Help her, and be strong for her. Listen to the mean stuff, and know she doesn’t mean it. If she hits you, turn the other cheek. Impress on her that if you guys want to have a normal house, you don’t need to ruin stuff. There are other ways to let go of anger. Has she considered martial arts, or MMA type stuff?
You don’t want to die, you want to have a happy family where your daughter is happy, and you can both live normal and productive lives. At least that is my guess. It is a very daunting task. Don’t give up on her.
I promise I am better at listening than giving advice, feel free to email me if you want someone to talk to. Or you can always ship her off to live with me when she is 18, I think she just sounds lost.
It sounds like you 2 are really good at pressing each others buttons. It might sound silly, but look into something like the chinese zodiac, like the giant little encyopedia of the zodiac (I know it sounds silly and stupid, but I think it is quite enlightening) and look into both of your personality and how you are compatible. I am a dog, and my best friend is a rooster. We use to fight quite a bit, but i swear I followed what it said and it helped soo much. Feel free to email me if you want to talk. Give me a chance to get to know you a little, and then you won’t be so alone.
I believe in many states a child over 16 years old can be emancipated through the court – in other words adjudicated to be self-reliant and responsible for themselves – sounds like a win win solution – she gets to go her own way and you get peace and quiet to rebuild your life without the chaos.
Kids tend to only appreciate their parents once they have a taste of what it’s like to be solely dependent upon their own means… live, without a net, so to speak. It’s a difficult thing to do but some kids need that type of an awakening since they won’t listen to reason and the law no longer allows them to be pummeled into submission (semi-kidding about that – i’ve never hit my kids but then i’m a pretty large intimidating man – at least to a kid 😉 )
Additionally – change your insurance policy beneficiary to someone who would appreciate it
I know my positions seem cold – but sometimes that’s the only thing a kid like yours will understand – that “finality” of having no place to throw temper tantrums (without being arrested) – the other option is – send her to live with her dad – you need to find peace – and with that you will rediscover yourself and your purpose – you’ll come to terms with your father’s passing – but handle the situations in front of you that require the most attention – again, i know this will sound cold but you can process and reflect on your father and his passing after you take care of the immediate issues, you father isn’t going anywhere anytime soon and there is no time limit to when you reconcile it – it took me 3 or 4 years to fully process my mother’s passing in incremental steps.
peaceable dawg