Well where do I start. I havent been on here for a while, mainly because I dont have a computer or for that matter much of anything in life. I just had a lot on my mind today and had to reach out to someone who could understand. Haha I just decided to quit smoking today too but just like everyother time I try to quit some bullshit is popping up and it drives at my fucking skin. anyways this might be a long story but like i said I havent been on here for a while and actualy I thought I was seeing a turnaround in my life,but man was I a fucking fool. I got this boss that I have been working for . Hes a morbidly overweight bastard who runs around on his wife and lies to the customers and its just all about him. We do tree work by the way. I run the saws and chop the trees and all he does is run the bobcat. Im like out the door at 8 in the morn and dont get back till bout 6 in the evening and he gives me fifty fucking dollars. oh jesus you got to be kiddin me. I just cant be working for this dude much longer because I know it wouldnt take much to kick his ass. anyway hes all telling me to be cheery and think positive but I cant pay my bills and hes all the time pulling out these knots of cash. I done my good deeds for this year a couple of months ago and I got an apartment so that my grandma could come to stay with me and my girlfriend was going to take care of her while im out slaving everyday. I was able to get her out of the nursing home before she passed. and now it looks like I might lose it…in more ways than one…..You know what Im just going to say this..and this is just how it is for me….Im fucking tired of life. Im tired of trying my damdest and never getting no where.. I know that my grandma is about to pass and i really think that she is the lucky one. I cant wait until my turn. I want to go to sleep from this shithole I breathe in and wake up somewhere where I never have to worry about nothing.not even the air i have to breathe here. In one of my previous post I was talking bout my drug addiction in the past and about how I survived all of that,yet im still stuck with these crazy thoughts..I worked hard to get away from that shit and i still got this mentality bullshit going on inside my head everyday like another person is living in me and constantly reminding me of what I was and telling me whats going to happen in my relationships and I dont know how to make those thoughts of paranoia or anxiety or whatever it is I struggle with to just go the fuck away. However there was one good thing that came out of the drugs. I knew this guy who used to make crystal meth all the time. and some years later they found out he had cancer spreading all over his body. Its must of had something to do with the chemicals and the poisons… maybe like 6 or 7 years ago i noticed knots forming in areas of my body. I went to the doctor while I was in prison because I thought it was a hernia. Turns out it was a lymphnode or however you spell that. since then I have had other knots come up and Im starting to think I may have tainted myself with the chemicals. I could only pray for that. Its like a golden ticket to the otherside right….If I could find a way to go and do it with no pain… at this point in my life id be on the ride.I seen this tattoo once said born to be hated and dying to be loved. seems like I been an outcast all my life and I really dont like people and i dont trust no one for shit. and im just lookimg for the right day to die so that i dont have to struggle to maintain the puzzle thats barely stitched together beneath the base of my skull
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I don’t have answers, but I hear you. A rough life you’ve had. It seems that you are still young and physically strong. Can you find a job where they pay what you’re worth and you’re not working for a pimple on the face of humanity? I hope so.
This website is so awesome for suicidal people because we can share without having to explain ourselves or get vacant platitudes in reply to our posts. This is a website with real people and you are one of them and I hope you don’t have to suffer like this forever, one way or the other.
When people used to talk about going to hell, my reply was “I’m already here.” They don’t get it. I hope you can manage to find a decent therapist to care about what you say and help you.
Keep on truckin’ You’ve been through so much. I hope it gets better someday.
thanks alot vedura. That really means alot to me. Today was actually a good day and there are alot of wonderful days for me,but its like for me all of a sudden I feel the worst feelings that anyone could imagine, and sometimes I find a sense of peace in those feelings just knowing that when the day comes I leave here no one will ever be able to hurt me again. I havent actually been to a doctor but I do believe that i am manic depressive. I dont believe in medication as an answer because I dont want my feelings to be numbed out and be all emotionless. so I continue to struggle with all my demons and believe in god for the best.
Medications aren’s always numbing and bad. They can actually help you to function well. I resisted anti-depressants for a long time because I didn’t want to get hooked on something. Then I crashed and my medical doctor said it was either Lexapro or the hospital. Since I own a home, have pets, and had finally found a good job, I didn’t want to go in the hospital. So I started on Lexapro. I’m so sensitive that I had to start with a liquid and use an insulin syringe to draw up 1/10 mg. It makes me too hyper sometimes, but it also gets me out of bed when I’m hurting, gets me to the gym or out to walk my dog.
People like us have to struggle. You might want to try a medication and see what it does. Get evaluated. But first find someone you trust. And that is a whole other ballgame. I know how hard it is, every time you put yourself out there and fear that person will take over your life or fuck you up more.
They have treatments besides lithium for manic depression now. Please get evaluated because if someone give you an anti-depressant and you are manic depressive, it could make it worse.
I do care. I’ve written a novel about a normal young woman who should have everything going for her, except she doesn’t fit in, she’s lonely, and suicidal. She meets this amazing man and falls in love, only to get dumbed and tries to kill herself.
All the writer’s groups I’ve been in respond with “I can understand being hurt but why want to kill yourself?” I doubt that anyone on this website would respond that way.
I’m determined to get the novel out there, even if only e-published. It’s for all the people on this site who suffer.
BTW, it’s also a fun novel, not always depressing, any more than we are. We have our good times. It has hippies, a bit of magic, great sex. I’ll let everyone know when it’s available.
In the meantime, I’m glad my post could help a little. Hang in there. You are worth it!