lost

I was just thinking.
I came across this site and started reading some of these posts, and realised I’m not the only one who feels alone. ‘Im so scared of doing something stupid.
I’m writing a post on here because this is the only way i can get my thoughts out without the constant judgement. Today my mum woke me up so i could go shopping with her. I got all dressed up, I wanted to feel nice and i did. In the car on the way there i put my headphones in, and just looked at all the cars going past. Wishing i was on the other side. But I thought today would be different.  I felt empty, like nothing was there. All the pain went. No happiness. Nothing.
Its mother day tomorrow, so I went off to leaving my mum be hind to quickly get her something. I went into Newlook, i found this really nice oversized jumper that i could give her. She would have really liked it. I waited patiently; one of the women that worked there at the till said to the other women ”There’s no one else waiting is there?” and looking straight passed me like i wasn’t there. I felt invisible. I looked away and I saw myself in the mirror, I hated what i saw. That, horrible thing is my worst enemy. Me Vs the mirror, it knocked me down. It won again.

I put the piece of clothing down and walked out. I could feel the cold air and the rain splatting. I walked up to my mum and i could feel everything just coming back.

Everything that’s ever happened. Everything that I will never forget it just came rushing back. I didn’t miss you? Why?
I started self harming June last year. I stopped a month ago..
I gave into temptation, ive started again. I hate the fact ill never be able to show off my legs, ever. I’m constantly thinking about being on top of a high building or cliff, just looking down at everything. Breathing.
I was sexually abused when I was younger, by my own brother. I would go into my mums room around 6-ish when its dark outside and my parents are downstairs watching tv. Id be watching tv when my brother would make me do things i wouldnt want to do. A few times my dad came in.. My brother blamed it all on me, said it was all my fault. I went along with it. How stupid? Now all these thoughts are left in my head, I was force to enjoy it. How could I? Now days go by and we pretend that it never happened. but it did and i wont be able to forget it.

I got psychically abused by my own dad. Mood swings they were. Days where he would lash out, a slap around the face. You know? those little things? One day it got bad, really bad. I went to school. They told me to tell them everything. I did, I didnt realise it was the ‘wrong’ thing to do. They told social services. As i was walking home my older brother saw me, ”What was you thinking?” ”what are you trying to do?”

”I cant take it anymore, I dont want it to be like this”

I got home, my mum opened the door, it was obvious that the tears had been down her face. I felt bad, guilty. My brother told me to tell them everythings fine at home.

”Yeah My parents love me, I love them!” ”Everythings fine here” ”Im happy”

My dad woke me and my brother up the next morning, ”Do you want to live here?”

”I dont know i answered”.

”Well youre going to have to make a choice”

I did i choose to stay here. This family would be anything without me, I hold it together. My parents no long love eachother, they play the roles, and i watch. My dads had a conversation about it. They havent been the same for ages.

My life is on the edge. I hate me, everything. My dad cant cope. My mum wont open up. If i go, they’ll all break. I hate how were all pretending, happy family’s?

I hate the way I look. In fact i dont think there’s a word for it.

I mean what the fuck is wrong with me?
I cant be happy.
My story is different to everyone elses on here. I am different. Thats what I hate the most. My intentions are the best. No one will ever notice the value of me. Maybe if i wasnt here they’d realise? They would stop for a second and just think.
Ive had so many things thrown at me. If you keep hitting that wall, one day ill just come crashing down. I can only take so much. One more hit and I’m gone.

You might think this is nothing, to but it is. This feeling is taking control. Help me?
No questions, No answers.
I’ll be gone forever