I used to think i’d be someone in life. I spent 5 years of my life believing in this dream, that i would actually achieve fame and fortune someday through my music. I relied on my lyricism, hoping that I could change the way hip hop music sounds today into something beautiful which in turn could be appreciated by a wider audience. But that was until today, when i finally realized how shitty my voice and delivery were. Â I first turned to hip hop music when I was 13 simply because it was something that didn’t require having the ability to sing nor play any […]
March 2013
I feel as if no one will ever understand I tried to explain and they did not listen what’s the point in repeating myself. Only for them to ignore me. They act like this will pass but they don’t understand how much I’m suffering. They tell me to fix it. How can I fix it? I may seem so cold to people but I don’t mean to I’m just so angry. I never will be what everyone wants me to be I was not born to make people happy. And for them to say I’m only sad because I want to be is like punching […]
Tonight I hate myself. More than I have in years… That’s saying something. Close to the end, and it’s looking darker but it will be all gone soon.
I’m unappreciative, annoying, attention seeking, fat, spoiled teenage girl. I make my friends feel like shit, talk shit about my own friends, and make everyone hate me. Even though I am apparently a “social butterfly,” I feel like I’m alone.
I know I’m not a good person.
I’m a liar.
I don’t know why I do it, and nights like these I sit in bed and cry. I still cut, too, and broke my 5 month streak of not cutting.
I’m a complete failure to every body. When I hurt my friends/family or fight with them, I always act like it doesn’t make me feel bad, but it really […]
Here is to my special awesome lady dragon who has a hard time suffering with a lot of things.
I’m very happy that we met and I’m very happy we’re together. Without you, I’d be dead, when love comes in to my mind, I think of you. You’ve saved me from being alone and being sad all my life, you’ve gave me a life to live for, because of you.
No matter how short or how long this relationship will be, I’ll always be with you. If you die, I die. If you kill yourself, I’ll kill myself too. It doesn’t matter, you won’t die alone. Because […]
let’s start from the beginning, since im new to this…..
i thought we had a happy family, me, my mom, my dad, and my brother. when i was about six i started to notice things weren’t as great with my family as i thought they were. I was eight years old, when my parents got in a really big fight. i mean i actually thought that , this fight was the end of our family. that was the first night i ever cried myself to sleep. my parents always talk about how they were so happy and shit before i came along and sometimes before my brother. […]
I woke up this morning, thinking it was all a dream. Thinking that, maybe, I was just so stressed out, I was having bad dreams. I was wrong, though, and I knew it. My step-father really had tried to kill his own daughter. And like a scared soldier in the front, I stood there shaking in my boots.
I keep thinking to myself that I should’ve acted sooner, instead of standing there, too sacred to move, as my step-dad tried to strangle and punch my step-sister. Is own daughter…. Who could do that?
Eventually though my adrenaline kicked in. I screamed at first, demanding that […]
Ive tried to commit suicide more than I have tried most things in life…pretty much always hated life, always has been something. I realize that I just cant do it…I dont like the fact that I cant do it…its just the horrible joke that is my life.
So I want to know how to make it better with the things I have holding me back…and let me make this clear…My intentions in life were good…I had no dreams but their were things I wanted to do.
I am 24 now, I was 19 years old when I gave up on the career that I knew I would […]
I wish my parents were different. I’m sick of never doing anything right. Oh well, I guess. But I realized something. I don’t want to ever marry a guy. I’m afraid that he would treat my kids the same way that my dad treats me. I won’t let that happen. I don’t want any little girl to go through anything like I have. Or any little boy, for that matter. Seriously. As much as it hurts me, I don’t want anyone else to go through it. So I’ll live alone. I’ll do whatever I want, and have no one else to judge me. That’s another […]
They say everyone was born for a reason. Then why was I born was I just made for fun to be tossed and yanked at for fun. When do I get a break when do I get to say I am happy with my life and I don’t want to trade it. When do I get to feel like all the weight on my shoulders are gone. When do I get a friend a true one that won’t like me for what I have, but who I am. When will I not feel hurt when someone calls me stupid fat ugly and worthless because […]
I have never been a very social person, thats how im going to start this story. I never had any friends growing up and I was always labeled as a weird kid, but nevertheless I wasnt bothered by this. somehow during highschool I found myself making friends and going out riding around and having fun times. After high school I went through a shit load of shit and you know what? I learned that no one cared. So I learned how to isolate and seperate myself from the rest of the world, and maybe for once in my life I was content that I didnt […]
I wrote a poem today. About all the misunderstoodment about how I look like and how I really feel. My therapists don’t understand me, I explained it so many times. They keep saying that I don’t have a mask and that it’s the real me how I act, but that I think it’s a mask. Yeah right, so I have feeling so depressed for so many times, but acted like I was happy, but my therapists tell me that I really was happy in that time. So they tell my that I haven’t felt suicidal and depressed? How can they know what I feel?
Here’s the […]
I did something brave this week I went to my school social worker and got help but things didn’t work out the way I thought it would although going to the social worker was not a bad experience. She made the call to my mom(both agreed on) Â my mother doesn’t really believe me and told me not to go to back and that what I need to do is pray and read my bible and that the social worker wouldn’t even be able to help.. *sigh* Â I actually used to pray for my depression to go away for a while. I didn’t think it […]
i feel alive when im nt breathing and that the only way i calm down by shutting my body
Verse
I’m just the tormented soul
Your siren songs cajole
You knew you had control
But you didn’t want what you stole
I’m just a haunted home
You peered in through a window
Right before you threw the stone
Just to say you knew me before I broke
Â
Pre-Chorus
And I broke
Like your promises
Chorus
What happened to old-fashioned robbery
When you’d only take what you’d need?
You poison me with reckless greed
Hoping just to make me bleed
What’s with today’s new, hollow crime
That you breed your hate to fill the time?
Bitter is your cyanide
The quickest way to make life die
Verse
I’m just the dirt beneath your feet
And by the time we meet
You’re already crushing me
Yet, I mistake it for company
I’m […]
I’m not alone. I have a wonderful boyfriend he treats me right. I’m so lucky I have him I was so close and now I have something to live for. I do not deserve him. He puts up with so much. I can’t help but push him away but he always comes back and holds me when I can’t breathe. I really thought that if I knew what it felt like to be cared about all of this mess in my head would go away I was wrong. I still feel so disconnected and hurt all the time. I still wish I was dead. I […]
Bless your soul little one,
for though you fake your strength,
it is but a petty act.
Bless your soul little one,
for you say you could care less,
it is but a lie.
Bless your soul,
thy weakling,
Bless thy soul.
May your demons send you grace
and may your pain in hell be small.
Oh, Bless your soul thy little one.
For though you seem to have guilt,
your act of ignorance is greatly built.
Bless your soul,
Bless your soul.
May the devil send your way a smile,
and may the fires of hell dim.
Oh, bless thy soul,
little one.
************************************************************
My ******** tank teases me with its eternal delivery. Can’t come soon enough. I like to brand myself as an intellectual yet after studying very hard for my biology final I get a C. At a community college nonetheless. This morning I awake to my emotionally abusive cousin and her evil family banging at my window to let them in thr house. They have a key and regardless, there’s a fucking doorbell.
I suppose they enjoy torturing the weak one, the sensitive one, the baby of the family.
I hate life.