Stuck

So I have been fighting the urge to kill myself off and on for about 15 years now. Sometimes I lost and attempted suicide. So far I have tried twice, once when I was uncertain so it was a far cry from a real attempt, and once when I would have died had my neighbour not have found me. Problem is, I really do want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. I keep praying not to wake up and find myself full of rage when I wake up in the morning. I am so angry and depressed. I feel stuck, literally, we moved into this woman’s house last minute because we had to find a temporary home while we wait on the bank to clear a title on the house we want to buy, anyway, I hate it here more than I can say. My husband refuses to move again since this would be our 5th time moving in a year. Can’t say I blame him for not wanting to move again since we both work and both go to school, however, I can blame him for never helping me find a place to live. I can’t stand to leave the room, I can’t stand to come home, I don’t know where else to go and I really just don’t want to live any more. Sounds horrible but I would love to die just to get back at my husband. I may be very irrational about all of this, hence why I am writing about it instead of acting on it. Problem is, I can’t reason with myself. I just feel this way. I just don’t want to live and I keep hoping that I will get hit by a car or shot at the bank. I have some pills I carry with in case of emergencies, meaning in case I finally just have to overdose. My life could be worse but it is pretty bad as it is. Trying to go to school (last semester) while working while trying to buy a house. We have spent over a year of trying to buy a house. The last one we spent 8 months on and moved into a hell hole apartment for, found out we didn’t get it two days before Christmas. Also our lease on the hell hole was up and we had no place to go so we moved into a hotel. I don’t even want a fucking house any more. I fell in love with the idea of having a home since I never had one growing up, it was stupid. The best way to live life is to never kid yourself and just realise that life sucks and you will never be happy. I am so pissed at myself for falling for this. Now I am here, at some strange woman’s house waiting for a bank to call, if they ever call. Maybe I will get lucky and she will turn out to be a phyco and kill me in my sleep. All my life I have wished I was dead. Just my luck wishes don’t fucking come true.