Today a girl talked to me. The one I’ve been wanting to be friends with since I Â turned up at the college.Â Her name is Tina and she’s from a parallel group. I honestly don’t know why she gifted me with that 5-minute chat. She was bored, obviously. And probably in a bad mood because of having to get up too early. It could be just that none of her friends was around to engage her, so she sat next to me and complained. It felt so awkward, I couldn’t find words to keep the conversation going. All I could manage was a couple of really silly questions while I stared at the floor, afraid to look her way. I can see it now, how inappropriate I sounded and looked, and though she did have the wits Â not to say it to me directly, but she is sure to never stop by me again.
I wonder what do people find or not find in me that makes them push me away? It’s like I’m wearing an engraved note “Hate me” written in boldface for everyone to see. Take my spanish teacher, for example. It’s been only a few times that we met at the lessons, not to mention that we get to come across each other nearly every day. It was easier at first. At least, I could relax. I keep trying to play it cool, but I think she’s starting to notice something. Something like how sullen and lonely I look, cause I find it harder to speak up and smile in her presence. She is such a lively and positive person she’s getting it the wrong way. And how can I explain to her that she’s not the reason for my disastrous look?
My nightmares are back. They had disappeared for awhile, but now they’re back. Whenever I get to sleep a little longer, there they come, torturing me. I’ve heard there’s no cure for nightmares, no way you can make them go away. But there must be a way to make them less intense, right? Please if anyone knows, let me know. I just can’t take it anymore. They are driving me insane.
@ miss Holly Hey… why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t appreciate you… If she can’t see you for who you really are, she doesn’t deserve to be your friend… (sigh) I know… school is hell… but once you get past it… and you learn to understand and love yourself you… things start to make some sense…
I won’t hate you… I will understand you if you need someone to talk to… 🙂
As for the nightmares… I heard video games might help but… I never had any nightmares… besides my real life, that is… 😉
I’m not even hoping to find friends, it’s all in vain… I just want someone to talk to me, so that I could talk too. I hardly say a word in a whole day. I talk to myself when I come home just to not forget how to speak.
This college will be forever. I won’t get out of it, alive. I am over everything. I quit.
@ miss Holly I could talk to you… 🙂 (sigh) I’m sorry you’re so lonely in real life… You know… there’s so much more to life than loneliness and pain… The hardest part is school… Afterwards it gets easier… You just gotta pull through these years… I’ve never had any friends while in school… I was the freak… But I made it through… And now I can say that I’ve got three friends that I could trust them with my life…
As I said… I’m always here… if you need someone to talk to…