I used to be one of those people who could summon infinite happiness from even the smallest things. Seriously, I’d walk down the street, and I’d find a nickel, and suddenly that was the best day of my life. What happened to that person? What happened to me? I know what happened. I just don’t know why it did. Why did it happen to me? That’s a question we all ask ourselves right: why me? I realize now that there’s just never an answer to why me always seems to be the butt of God’s cruelest jokes. So lately I’ve found myself asking a different question: what if? The funny thing is that I wasn’t the one who came up with this question. No. It had never even occurred to me. Someone else posed it to me. None of this is making sense, is it? Well, let me try to catch you up. I was cursed to always have the hope. Even when things you bleak and dark and horrible, I’m that person who is afflicted with the thought that maybe, just maybe things will turn around and it will finally get better. But it never does get better. I realize that. But I can’t stop that stupid hope, you know? It’s like even though things never go the way I imagined or the way I pictured, I can’t stop that hope. Like when I graduated high school and thought I was going off to my dream school only for my parents to tell me the day before my admissions deposit was due that I had to stay at home and go to a school that I knew I would hate. Even when I thought to myself that maybe the aforementioned school wouldn’t be so bad and that I’d have this awesome college experience but I’ve ended up hating every minute of a school that I have to pay for myself because my parents are dirt poor, and even though I’ve made zero friends at this university and have not progressed academically in any way whatsoever. And even though my parents’ car got repossessed at the beginning of the first semester so I’ve had to miss a great deal of classes and beg other people’s parents to give me a ride because my parents suck at everything they were supposed to do from the time I was a child like loving me and supporting me and providing for me at all costs? But I’m just rambling on. That’s nothing, right? I could have it so much worse. But that’s what I hate. I hate knowing that this isn’t it. It really could get worse. It’s not comforting to me to have to deal with the fact that this could just be a glimpse of what is a very horrible and unfulfilling future. And that’s where we leave off. What if that’s true? What if nothing ever works out for me? What if it only gets worse and worse and worse? What if I keep praying to a God that I’m desperate to believe in that I’m not even sure cares? What if? What if every dream I’ve ever had is just that: a dream? What if every day I wake up and nothing changes, and I’m the same, and my life is the same, and I get nothing in return? What if it never gets better? What if? What if… what if I kill myself?
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But what if it doesn’t get worse? What if you’ve suffered enough.
What if you thought back to that hopeful, happy person you used to be, and realized that SHE is who you really are.
It’s not supposed to end this way. Your pain is making you stronger, and one day, you will get everything you desire. You deserve it. You deserve happiness. You know it, and you will have it, through your knowing. This will pass. Through pain, we all will know what happiness really is.
Hang on, knowing you will not be making this journey alone. I’m here with you. I’m fighting the same fight. We will get to the other side of the storm. You already gave me hope today, to take another step.
We can win.
Josi, I was browsing the net feeling crappy about my situation and ended on this site, and read your post. It was like poetry and it made me feel a lot better and more hopeful, almost magically. Thank you!
Rachel… I had bad parents too. Terrible, in fact. I just try to think about how independent I am because of that. I always had to do everything myself, and now I’m really good at it. The more independent you are, the more control you’ll have over your happiness in the future.
On that note… just please try to stay out of debt and find work where you can. I’d hate to think of you being one of the 50+% of recent college grads who ends up unemployed/underemployed and reliant on your parents, who don’t give you the help and support they owe you.
My goodness isn’t Donnie a big brave man (tucked behind his browser) on the Internet, informing the rest of us which words we may or may not use?
Smart enough to argue various paths of stellar evolution, yet stupid enough to not understand he is agreeing that cycles of destruction and creation are as ubiquitous as they are calming to contemplate?
He’s mad alright: angry like a grumpy little baby with a dirty diaper load of his old smelly turds. Poor Donnie’s too butthurt blind to see that “ashes to ashes” it what was being written long before he weighed-in.
Hurry along now Donnie. Get back on your mama’s tit. I pray she’ll change your poopy diaper and powder your bottom as well. Hopefully that’ll turn your frown upside down!
At least i didn’t write a book nobody read.
Changeliing you said Then things WILL “get worse.†Over the next 3 billion years, the sun will grow 256 times it’s current diameter, engulfing our orbit. Planet Earth will be melted, vaporized and swallowed by the supernova our sun will become. Along with Mercury and Venus, Earth will become part of a permanent collection of crap that fell into the Sun (and stay as such) forever.
Didn’t you mean slowly emerge into a red giant. Cool and die. That’s not a supernover. By the way Are you still hit on 14 year ols girl’s.?
RachelJ sorry i highjacked your post. It was just reading what @changeliing frist comment what he made what had nothing to do with your post about how the solar system would end. Should on not made any comment’s. What wasthat all about.? He must of failed physics or some thing.
Nothing you post i meant. He comment about how the solar system would end.? What was that all a bout.?
“I was cursed to always have the hope. Even when things you bleak and dark and horrible, I’m that person who is afflicted with the thought that maybe, just maybe things will turn around and it will finally get betterâ€
To ‘Hope’ is a skill most of us don’t have or practice at to get better.
The hope that “maybe things will get better†has no direction, it is a measuring point with no defined unit of measure other then “betterâ€.
This type of hope takes you out of the moment, out of what is, and leaves you stuck in a future that can only be imagined.
If you have lost your ability to imagine a happy future this type of hope will not be helpful as you end up lost in the “why me†of no answers.
“What if? What if every dream I’ve ever had is just that: a dream? What if every day I wake up and nothing changes, and I’m the same, and my life is the same, and I get nothing in return? What if it never gets better? What if? What if… what if I kill myself?
Asking the question “What If†also requires skill. Most people ask the question but then do not answer it as it can only end in speculation and cognitive distortions like – all or nothing thinking, over generalization, magnification, emotional reasoning…. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
Hope is active, eyes open, a verb that ought to prepare you for opportunities that arrive in the moment. I hope for a new job by keeping my eyes open for new opportunities and preparing perhaps by taking courses, talking to people etc…
It is my opinion that unless one is willing how to hope well it is best to stop hoping. Stop using the word.
When you catch yourself “What if’ing†Stop, don’t get caught up in the loop, Be still
“ I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you
For the dark shall be the darkness of God.
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing,
Wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing,
There is faith
But faith, like the love and the hope, are all in the waiting. (Takes you out of the present moment)
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without thought
For you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.â€
TS Eliot
Aww cheer up, it’s a brand new day. Stop crying like a little girl, Donkey.