Where’s the love? Where’s the laughter? Oh right, it’s there…Just not with me.

I need to stop seeing him. I need to learn to let go. I’d punch myself until I bled if he thought it wise… if he said so. I’d do it. He doesn’t care about the fact that.. Well, that doens’t matter anymore. I don’t want to see his face after this is over. It just reminds me of how often I frustrate, anger, and annoy him. I’m not perfect. I’m not his dreamgirl. I’m not his. Not anymore.. He abused me. I want out, I want to be treated right. I’ve given everything and more to him.. I’ve given it all. Everyday. Music is the only thing that is keeping my heart beating. He makes me want to just end it all.. I can’t leave him though. Some days he is perfect and sweet and caring and understanding and my best friend… but the other times… (whenever he decides)… I’m the problem. I’m the reason his day and or night is ruined. It’s all my fault.  We’re just going through the motions. He doesn’t want to be with me.. Not the real me. He’s fixing me along the way. His way. Not mine.. I had to give that up. I wonder how long until I crack again. This time.. there won’t be anything inside left to salvage.. He has it. He has it all. Even my tears.. What to do when I can’t even cry about it!!! It’s pointless! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY! I USED TO BE SOMETHING MORE… He doesn’t like me. He loves me, but he doesn’t like me. I am tolerated. I am the “thing” that is the obligation. “Don’t be my/an obligation… That annoys me.” “You’re frustrating me.” ?! I ruined your night because I woke up? DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIBLE THAT SOUNDS?!?!???? :””( Should I just then go back to sleep and not wake up? Would that be the ideal version of me? Is that what you’d like best? I wouldn’t anger you then, would I? Oh please, I hope not! ONE DAY I WON’T WAKE UP… and then, only then will I truly be at peace. Peace.