I am suicidal. Because I’m extremely depressed. I’ve been depressed for most of my life. I’ve been on anti-depressants for four years. I’ve gone to therapy many many times. I’ve given up on life, and I want to die. But that’s not going to happen. I realized that I’m not going to die unless of old age or if I get really sick. I just left college, a really good college because of my depression. and YES I was smoking weed 24/7 and I was dependent on weed, but I am not addicted. I was just self-medicating. So once I left college in January I stopped smoking and drinking. And everyone tells me that my depression got worst because of marijuana. But you know what, if I’m gonna be stuck on this earth, I am going to do what ever I can to make me happy, and I am happy when I smoke so I’m going to start smoking again. I haven’t smoked since January and my depression is worst and nothing is working, my medication isn’t working, and therapy is bullshit. My family isn’t supportive and I have no real friends. I’ve got friends that don’t understand depression and I’ve got friends that understand what I’m going through but are too busy with their lives or simply don’t care. So I’m going to start smoking again and yes I’m nervous that it will make my depression worst, but I just can’t sit here anymore. I can’t keep waiting for things to get better. I am going insane and on the verge of going to the hospital for suicide watch. I just want to be happy.
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Thanks for your post
Like you I realised suicide was no longer going to be a option. For whatever reason, no matter how depressed or how much I wanted to die, it wasn’t going to happen.
At one point I realised that I was depressed because I wasn’t able to go through with suicide and if you think about it that’s really messed up.
Eventually I was depressed because I was depressed.
I think that happens allot, we get stuck and being depressed becomes our persona.
We wait for things to get better but wouldn’t recognise better if it punched us in the face.
If you were not depressed who would you be?
A few years ago I joined Weight Watchers, It’s actually a very simple program based on two fundamental principles, honesty and accountability.
I didn’t realise how much I was lying to myself.
When I began writing down everything that I was putting into my mouth I could no longer deny the reason for my weight gain. I was eating crap and allot of it and none of my little justification victim villain stories was going to change that. If I wanted to loss the weight I had to be honest and take reasonability.
You mention that you just want to be happy
Can you articulate what this happiness might look like?
Is it a way of being, or is it focused on something objective, having or obtaining a certain status.
My bet is that you won’t be able to define what this thing we call happiness is, most of us can’t.
Just as Depression can become a way of being I think Happiness can also become a way of being.
Can you image a life where you no longer grasping at objects or faint imaginings of things you think or feel you need but can’t even name?
I think happiness as a way of being is very much connected to love as a way of being.
Each creates the space, space between our grasping hunger and fear, space to let go and relax and be honest.
It is the space between the notes that create the music. Notes that follow each other without space is noise and that is what I think happen in our lives. Each chaotic uncertain moment following the other until our lives become a cacophony of noise and depression.
If you are done waiting; create some space, just a little space to be honest, space without judgment, without grasping.
Just like weight watchers maybe a place to start is to right down everything you are putting into your mind.
Without judgment against yourself, without creating stories or justifications, just write down the words that you are eating.
When you’re done check what you wrote for ‘Cognitive Distortion’ (search the internet for cognitive Distortion) and you might be surprised, or not surprised as to why you find yourself depressed.