Yesterday I went for a walk, somehow I felt a little better. I saw some horses and watched them for awhile. Walked in the rain, but it felt good, at least it made me feel. But last night I looked on the internet and there is so much – so much of the opposite of what I’ve always thought was beautiful. Gentleness, tenderness, sweetness, paintings that move you deep inside, someone that would help a neighbor, little children being allowed to be innocent, dreams, words that carry weight, words that mean something. I start to think I wish something had happened to me awhile ago, and at least I could have gone still believing in something, still feeling that there is a kind of magic in living.
It is all so sordid now.
Today I feel so cold, literally and in my heart. It is so awful. Not to feel. Everytime I get a little hope or a little peace. Well, you know the story.
My family is starting to worry about me, yesterday my brother came home to check on me. (I am staying at his  house)Really. I am afraid to look in the mirror. I know people tell me it is irrational but I feel it has changed me, inside and out. I asked for help when I started to feel like this but couldnt find any.
I used to ask my dad questions like, what is eternity, where is the end of it, if i live in China wouldn’t I believe different things? I used to find little injured animals and try to save them. Â I believed there was magic. I actually thought i could fly if I believed it hard enough. (okay, so that didn’t work) Sometimes people said I was a little slow because I would just stare at people but I was thinking all kinds of things. I was sweet. I was a sweet girl.
You know how some people say they would do everything exactly the same? That’s insane. I would change a thousand things. I would have stayed away from my family as much as possible. Stayed at the library all day and even maybe run away. I would have just gone to my classes and read and kept my head down. I would have gone to college but not listened to anyone’s advice which interfered with what I truely wanted. If I had followed my own heart – I think I would have been okay. My mistake was trusting other people, assuming they meant well. But of course, how could I have known that. I would have had to been raised by healthy people.
I don’t want to be boring here, but I feel today something very bad has happened in my mind and my body. I’m scared. Nothing feels real anymore. I don’t trust anything. I pull the blanket over my head and it is the only time I feel the littlest bit safe. I pray. Maybe I need to pray more today. Sometimes I call a prayer line. Do you think I’ve lost my mind? It’s cold out, do you think that can affect your mood when you are on the edge? Its windy and cold. Yesterday was sunnier and a little warmer. Do you think when you are vulnerable things like the weather can make a difference?
I washed my face like 3 times last night and I keep thinking I’ve now ruined my skin. Does that sound obsessional? It couldn’t really be real could it? Could you ruin your skin by washing it 3 times? I put honey on my skin because I read it’s good for it, then after a bit I worried and washed it off. And I did that kind of thing again several times and now my skin seems puffy and my face feels kind of soft and swollen at the same time. Do you think I’m cracking up? I have image problems now. I wouldn’t tell this to anyone else, but I feel safer here.
If anyone manages to read all of this, thank you.
10 comments
I read it all. Life is hard for all of us here. Just try to hang in there. Sometimes all we need is to just endure the pain and eventually a change for the better may come. Change is always happening and sometimes not always it can change our mindset and we feel a lil better. I like to take walks too. I do it every evening with my dogs. I was molested when I was 7 by a 13 yr old cousin who was molested by his teacher. Life throws all kinds of stuff at us. Hopefully you want to hang in there, I think thats why we all googled suicide and write on this site, to help each other and ourselves.
i feel for you. when ime and my mom lived in New Mexico, her boyfriend repeatedly raped and beat us both, so we ran away. i know im safe now, but when the flashbacks come, i am still afraid. something like that does change you, and it wont go away, but you decide what to do with it, wether you want to constantly be afraid or take it as a lesson, its all up to u.
thank you Clinically_depressed. Thank you for sharing that with me. You are right of course, and I’ve had a terrible moment of weakness and fear. You remind me, you both do that life does hold no guarantees of safety or protection and it is these assaults that test our willpower and strength. I will just try to ride this one out without thinking too much today.
thank you. thank you for sharing something so tragic with me. I will hold on today and your response has made that a little more possible. It is kind of you and I do know there are kind people like you who have been hurt by someone, hurt by life, but still willing to reach out to someone. it makes a difference.
Butterfly i tried saying hi like 3 times but you always disappeared. Horsies are pretty. We all have out own obsessions….don’t fret kid.
Cheers AtTheEnd! U are very sweet and it makes me smile! =)
Hi there, the wind and cold definitely affect my mood. Also I used to teach kids and when it was windy they were always more restless. I was talking to a friend the other day about my depression and she was saying it might be worth moving somewhere warmer without the shirt days in winter. I wouldn’t even know where to start though. One of my things is that I can’t see a future or if I have an idea about something to do in the future I can’t work out how to get there.
Hey. Your courage is really inspiring. To say that you can see the past as a lesson sounds hopeful, I’d really like to hear what the lesson might be, if you feel like you could share.
Well, I thought I wanted excitement, an exciting boyfriend, an exciting place to live. And I thought every one else had it figured out. That I was missing out somehow. I was sad a lot and my family was cold, and sometimes cruel, and I let them convince me that there was nothing special about me.
I looked for excitement and to feel special from boys who showed an interest in me, leading to a lot of pain and fucked up times. I was trying too hard.
I learned excitement isn’t so great after all. I’m not even a really up kind of person. Just smiling and joking and having fun, but in a low key way I guess. I’m crap at telling jokes, but I can be funny in my own way. And I just don’t care about mean people. Now I wouldn’t bother to fight them. I just don’t care about that now. I used to try and defend myself to them, my family mostly, but it’s just like talking to a wall. They just don’t get true love and feelings. I just find I have been happier on my own sometimes.
These fighting shouting high relationships are like death to my little heart. I should have just walked away from that. I hate that. And no one has it figured out. Well, I don’t know anything really. And I think I don’t need to. There is no pot of gold, no perfect guy, nobody’s really happy much. So I think , and I won’t do this! I should just relax. And I think I just wrote a lot of b.s.!
A pot of gold?! I better keep practicin my gaelic then! Well life is no fairy tale and theres no such thing as perfection. No one had it figured out. The thing is that the people we think have it figured out really just roll with the punches and try to keep their heads up. Life might bring them down to ther knees but they just get back up. Horrible relationships are a dime a dozeb kid….there will always be bad relationships. We just have to see them so we can avoid or get out of them. Theres no perfect person for each of us, but maybe theres someone who we can get along with and hae mutual respect an affection. My lifes pretty boring. The most excitemet for me happens at work where despute being suicidal I try to survive. Oh and i like to treat myself to paitball all day long on weekends when i can afford it <3 nothing like shooting strangers full of paint. I can be funny sometimes…..sometimes im just tude and don't know when to shut up…so i prefer to be quiet….but being funny isn't necessarry. A joke here or there is good enough and if not ill watch a comedian haha.
Good luck kid, time for me to go run on walls and shoot stuff online lol