I am 15, male.
My whole life basically consisted of people telling me how bad or disappointing I am. It still happens, just not as much because I don’t ever talk to anyone except for online. I mean I remember when I was three in daycare and I would get mad a lot and no one liked me. I had no friends really except my neighbor who I think was annoyed with me a lot. Then I remember being annoying a lot when I was 4 or 5 and my neighbors were really annoyed with me. Like when I would play basketball with my neighbors I could never get a basket and everyone else could (we were all the same age) I felt like I deserved it somehow when they would glare at me or something. I’m not sure if they really did hate me though? I think they might have. Then I went to preschool and a lot of the kids didn’t like me either. Kindergarten was worse even. I was the most embarrassing person ever and was just jealous of everyone else because they weren’t so weird? I was the smartest in my class, but it was just kindergarten. A lot of the kids in after school care didn’t like me and thought I was annoying and weird.
Then I started being babysat after school in 1st grade. I would play with the babysitters daughter a lot, but I remember her being annoyed with me too. Also her brothers who were about 4 and 7 years older than me always got mad at me. Even the baby sitter got mad at me. I would always complain how things aren’t fair. I was just realizing that you don’t always get what you deserve and I wasn’t happy. I guess was angry at everything ALREADY and I was only 6. Then she started babysitting two other kids as well, and they also hated me.
I didn’t have any friends in 1st grade. The teacher was horrible and literally made fun of me and mocked me like a bully. Of course this meant that every other kid had to follow her lead. So now everyone in the class hated me too.
Then I had a few friends in second grade. This is when I started to be really jealous of the other kids because they weren’t so weird and annoying like I was (and everyone didn’t hate them). The teacher was nice. But then I started to do really stupid stuff. Like I pretended I created cartoon characters and the teacher actually believed I created them (I copied them :{ ). And then there was this kid that always drew better pictures then me and was like one of the most popular people in the class. So I always tried to out do him all the time, but one time I traced something and they found out. This didn’t work either and I sabotaged myself making people hate me even more.
Third grade was worse. I couldn’t stand school anymore. I never did my homework and got in trouble a lot. I hated being in trouble and got angry. I hated losing at things and I got angry. I got mad every single time I failed at anything. I would cry a lot more at school and of course no one liked that. I went to another school every Tuesday for GSP. And guess what, pretty much everyone didn’t like me there too. Here I didn’t get angry, just sad. I remember going to a birthday party (I had to ask to go because no one would want to invite me). I ended up going and it was okay. I don’t think anyone liked me there either. Luckily this person actually was more friendly, even though I was a jerk at this birthday. Well I ended up crying because I was not as good as his other friends and seemed like I was so boring and annoying.
Then 4th grade came and it was just awful. The teachers hated me, all the other people that were my sort of friends didn’t like me anymore, and the teachers were just unfair with grading things. I got so mad every day of school because it sucked. I always had to go to that baby sitters house and the kids there often got mad at me. It didn’t seem like anyone liked me at all. My dad would get mad because I got in trouble a lot.
I was lucky in 5th grade. The classes in 4th grade would switch teachers all the time. But in 5th grade I was in a class that didn’t have to switch. I got a great teacher and the best class ever. Some of the people in the class groaned when I walked in the first day. I was lucky because 1. There was a new kid who was even more annoying and worse than I was and 2. Half of the people in the class I hardly knew. Some people that really didn’t like me in 4th grade actually started liking me in 5th grade. My best friend in 5th grade was someone who I hated in 4th grade. It actually seemed like school was getting better until the next year.
In 6th grade the classes were switching teachers again. So now I had to interact with the students from the other classes who didn’t like me in 4th grade. So they started bullying me again, it was just like 4th grade almost. Except I had a lot of friends from 5th grade. The teachers were harder on me, and I tried to fit in by half pretending to have a crush on this girl. She didn’t like me though. I got less angry in 6th grade and just more lazy and not doing my work. I still cried a lot when I was at school. I wasn’t ever “mean” anymore (apparently getting angry at school is mean to other students?). I kind of just started ignoring everyone that hated me at the end of the year. But of course middle school was next.
7th grade was pretty bad too. Most of the people in my classes were new. I was in a advanced classes and I think this was a mistake. I did my work for a little bit, but there was a lot of it, and it was very depressing times. I just decided to give up, but of course I wasn’t allowed to. I got in trouble and that makes everyone hate you when you get in trouble in class. I was now “bipolar” and “he sleeps all the time” was the only thing people used to describe me. The teacher’s seriously asked if anything “was going on at home.” No, it was at school. I can’t believe middle school teachers actually asked that, seriously. Basically it was just ultra depressing. I started thinking I was gay at this time, but I never told anyone of course. I managed to make friends because I was in band, and I had more “friends” than last year. The reason I say it like that is because I hardly ever talked to them outside school. Now this is the main year I started to hate myself. I hated my appearance and how everyone else seemed to be just normal (just like every other year though), except now I really realized it.
Then 8th grade was the same.
And 9th grade was probably the hardest self esteem drop in 1 school year. At the beginning I was sort of okay because I had friends in band still. But It seemed like I was stupid compared to everyone else. I would always mess something up and I never wanted to ask for help. I couldn’t ever really talk to people like everyone else. I was awkward in every conversation. Now I was even more depressed than before. I still got in trouble for not doing work. I would just not do anything at all and would sleep through whole school days almost. This got me in trouble a lot. I always was looking around at everyone and it felt like this picture http://wallpapers.net/wallpapers/sad_face-640×960.jpg . I made a facebook because everyone else had one. It just made me more depressed because I never got to post anything at all. Everyone else was actually doing stuff and weren’t as boring, stupid, ugly, didn’t have bad grades, and were good at something. I stopped going to school and gave up on life. I started online school, but didn’t care about classes or anything at all. It’s been a year and a half of online school and I haven’t finished one credit.
When I look back I was a loser ever since I was born. There is nothing good about me. I just can’t see how I could possibly change after being so worthless and never improving at all.
This post was even written terribly. I am bad at every single thing in life. That’s why I want to kill myself.
2 comments
Thi was a long post and the obvious question is: why did all te kids hate you? (I don’t know that they did, I’m just taking your word for it). Ever think about how people make friends? People like people who are nice, make them feel good about themselves, do things for other people, listen to them, care about them. Did you ever try to do any of these things to make friends? Do you have Asperger’s syndrome or something similar?
Hi =)
I have read your whole post and ended up thinking one thing:
You are letting other people controll YOUR life. STOP.
You are a wonderful, gifted and insightful human being; this means that you will be different, you will be individual and people won’t always like you for it. It sounds like feeling hated and useless for so long has made you isolated because you want to get away, stop being a problem and stop feeling like one BUT the more you do this the more difficult it may become. I believe, truly, that you can find a happier path in your life even though at the moment you might feel like dying because you feel that nothing is making you happy anymore and you feel like if nobody likes you, you must be the issue – here’s the thing: Just because “everyone else” is the majority – does NOT mean that they are the “normal” ones. TRUST me.
I can relate to aspects of what you have said and for me learning that my differences and lack of being “normal” are actually a very positive and brilliant design has been all too easy to forget and a hard task to remember. When everybody seems to be saying the same thing it makes it seem as if they must be right, and that what they are saying must be ok despite your being in disagreement. This isn’t the truth.
You might have heard of a few events in history where everyone involved has stood by and said “yes, this is fine to do this, let’s go ahead with it.” when we would now look back on them with disgust and realise their actions were wrong – please don’t let others affect how you down-size your life to a lack of education and lack of socializing. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY and to live life, YOUR LIFE, to the full however you may choose. People in history have died because they have believed we deserve our lives and the rights we have now that help us to live them to a greater extent! 🙂 they believe we are WORTH their sacrifices and struggles and I agree with them!!
One day you might look back with regret for having stopped trying to get a good education especially as it sounds as if you have an intelligent capability. You might regret not opening yourself up to the outside world despite how long you have been trying to before, it’s good to carry on doing so. You may already have thought about this – so make that change to YOUR LIFE NOW. 😀 It is not too late to have a good life, I promise.
Please know I’m here if u have questions or want to talk.
I’ll be praying for you.
Evelyn x