I read a lot of people who have multiple suicide attempts, I don’t judge but I do feel genuine remorse. I think im different in that ive had one attempt which was nearly successful and had a shotgun as backup but when it was cocked and pointed I said “it don’t feel right yet”. this was Halloween night 4 years ago, my thoughts have not changed I still want to not be alive for as long as I remember (I don’t want to die, just prefer it over living) ive had happiness but still felt this way all except for a few months my girlfriend was pregnant (more complicated story but too long for this) but we lost the baby and now I cant even talk to her, but anyway to me being different. I have not even planned a way to die yet because I know when im ready there will be no second chances, the first time I just made a mistake. I know what happiness is and I don’t want it. my brother was suicidal for a week and he was the one who bought the shotgun but it was taken from him so he couldn’t do it while he was hospitalized, but he acted happy and fooled everyone and got out then hung himself one day. I am my brother’s brother, I could have done it the first time but didn’t, I didn’t fail I just postponed and would have done it already but random sequences of completely bizzare situations have caused me to postpone so long (was originally gonna be before Christmas, and like 4 other days in between then and now) but now am back on for another few weeks until I got pick something and go with it. im not looking for pity or help im just wondering if anyone reads this and says damn hes like me.