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New here. Paralyzed from bicycle accident, don’t want to live this way

by bitbucket
written by bitbucket

Hey, I’m new here. I wrote in my profile about my situation. I’m partially paralyzed from a spinal cord fracture due to a bicycle accident.
I went from being a buf, muscled and toned gym rat to having shriveled arms hanging from bony shoulders, walking like I’m drunk and
needng help with everything, dresing, showering, toilet, etc. I don’t want to live this way any more.
I’ve worked hard in phys therapy and exercise to try to regain my abilities, but it’s closing in on 18 months, and
that’s when spinal cord injuries stop healing. So I’m pretty much stuck the way I am for the rest of
my life. And I want to make sure that doesn’t last too much longer., but afraid I might not have the courage.
I’d love to hear from you. I’m alone at night and loojking for someone to talk with.

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14 comments

Erisa 4/18/2013 - 1:11 am

im keitel, i’d be more than happy to stay up w/ you when things get difficult.

bitbucket 4/23/2013 - 10:54 pm

Hi Keitel, thanks. How could I contact you., to talk?
Charles

glass_music_cup 4/18/2013 - 1:14 am

Same here. I’m up late a lot and these days I’m on here at work as well. I am so sorry you were injured. Please feel free to vent more if youd like.

Dawn Approach 4/18/2013 - 4:17 am

This is a new challenge at the age of 57. You still have some mobility. Your mind is still intact and your speech is not impaired.

Your standard of life is significantly lower than what it was which is part of the difficulty. Commensurately, a major stroke victim, someone with progressive MS or significant neurological disorder might be working toward being in your position because that’s the best they can hope for.

molly woppit 4/18/2013 - 4:20 am

My husband is a teraplegic and can relate to you things do get better

bitbucket 4/23/2013 - 10:53 pm

Thank you. I hope it does, but it seems so slow in coming. What happened to your husband?

butterfly_free 4/18/2013 - 4:40 am

Hi. I’m awake every morning around 4. Ill talk with you. Or just listen.

bitbucket 4/23/2013 - 10:52 pm

Hi Butterfly, how can I get in touch with you to talk?
Thanks

glass_music_cup 4/18/2013 - 1:16 pm

It sounds like you lost a lot of your identity (as a fitness person) when you became paralyzed. Is there something you always wish you could’ve done before but didn’t have time to do? Sing? Write a story? Perhaps reinventing yourself will give you hope. I’m sure you have many talents inside of you waiting to be found.

I know you are hurting and losing independence…I can’t even imagine. I hope you are able to find power in your life again, in some way or form.

bitbucket 4/23/2013 - 10:14 pm

Many many thanks to everyone who replied to my post! I really appreciate your kind words, encouragement and understanding. I go up and down, normal I guess. This evening I’m pretty down and if I had a suicide bag and gas ready, I’d probably go.

butterfly_free 4/23/2013 - 10:55 pm

Bitbucket,
heres my email lori@kittykat.co . I normally have google chat, but i’m not sure if it’s working. it might be. THanks Bitbucket.

butterfly_free 4/23/2013 - 10:57 pm

Hi again Bitbucket, my chat is working i think. or you can talk to me here.

bitbucket 4/23/2013 - 11:58 pm

Hi Lori, I have a yahoo account, and it looks like it can’t connect to google chat. I’ll
see if I can find a way. Anyway thanks.
Today I have been really down. I always come back to the same feeling
like I have nothing but pain and increasing dependence ahead of me, and I
wish I hadn’t survived the accident. Almost didn’t anyway. It feels like my life is over, I just haven’t
died yet.
Charles

butterfly_free 4/24/2013 - 12:32 am

Charles,
I will just set up a yahoo account tomorrow. Why not = it would be good for me to have someone to chat to also. You can always talk with me, i wake up half the night, and honestly I am just hanging on myself most days.

But you seem like someone I could talk to. Maybe someone like me and in better times we might have been friends. It’s impossible for me to know what you are going through, though I feel myself that I have been destroyed by things that happened to me outside of my control. That if I had just been left alone, I would have been okay. So there is something common at least in the way an outside force has devastated me to the point where I believe I am finished. Someone today told me I am selfish, only think of myself, maybe they are right. But it’s because I am having a battle to stay alive. It’s hard somehow to ask people about what they are having for lunch, etc. when you feel this way.

I’ll check in here tomorrow. I’m not a church type person but I still pray sometimes and I’ll pray that you have some peace tonight, that you can get some rest.

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