I started online school this year back in sectmber. I dident notice then but slowly my friends started to dissaper. Now, only 1 of my former friends will talk to me, all the rest pretty much ignore me.  I started feeling sadder in october, and spent more time alone. Now I spend 95% of the day in my room, the rest of the day is spent at school taking band art and chorus. in december I was diagnosed with dyslexia, and I felt that I was an idiot. I was never an A student,  but now i just break down whenever i see me test scores, or overall grades in my classes. when my isblings get prasied for having  great grades, while I never do. I am worried that I will break down in public thinking about the future in school, and the fact that if I keep failing or getting low scores, I’m not going to make it into collage. Both of my parents don’t think I will get into any collage, and the fact that I get freaked over any test and that no matter how hard I study, I always get a D or lower. With all of the school stuff, I also am pretty sure that I am transgendered, (ftm) and the more I think about it the more I am sure about it. looking at my past, I can see that I was always a boy. My family knows that I may be transgendered, but refuses to acknolage my preferred name, and gender. In their eyes i’m a girl named Becca, and not a boy called Jasper.  I found the reason i’m so sad all the time, and every time someone calls me by my “name” I feel like crying.  I have to go to camp this summer. One of them is a camp I love, but I can’t go there and be me. I have to go and be in the girls cabins and be associated as a girl, and be with the girls. I want to go to camp as a boy, but the camp won’t allow it.  I just can’t really deal with everything, and I’m worried that it’s never going to change. I’m stuck as being called becca, and being called a girl and stuc being on the girls tack team and the girls skiing team. I can’t even look at a boy without thinking about how lucky they are, and thinking about me and how gross and disgusting I am for being a boy, but being seen as a girl. I’m lonely, and I’m sad. Thanks if you took the time to read this, because your one of the first in a long time to really give a shit about me, and see me as I want to be seen. ttyl
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Okay you’re a girl on the outside and you’re a boy on the inside. And then doesn’t the boy on the inside want to have sex with girls? I’m confused, why are you sad if you’ll be in the girls cabin?
If you were a boy and you were forced to be in the girls cabins and use the girls rest rooms and such, wouldn’t you be sad too? To me it seems I am a boy, so having to be in the girls cabins really really sucks.
hello jasper,
it will change, promise. It won’t be an easy road, but you can shape your life into something you can take control of and feel more connected to other people. It requires that you accept yourself for who you really are, even if you think you feel ashamed and worthless, these are feelings that do not ´truelly come from within yourself!! they come from the outside, from all those people who spend so much effort into becoming like each other (how boring!!!) Already in your young age you can see how many of our daily conventions are worthless…girl, boy, strong, weak, smart, stupid….those are all such strong words, but if each and every one of us is honest we’re all of those things, some days more of one than the other, but never just one thing!!
i’m sometimes ‘smart’ with arty things, but really very stupid with numbers. i’m a girl, but truelly hate dolls and love racing cares. when i was younger, i looked like a boy, everyone thought i was a boy, i wanted to be a boy, but as i grew up and started to inhabit more of my body, grew more used to it, i began to be more comfortable as a girl. that doesn’t have to be your path, you’re body and mind might take you other places as you grow up, but you are in control of that feeling!! it will be hard, especially the first time you openly tell someone how you feel, but you can absolutley be that wonderful self that you are. i believe in you, now it’s your turn to start doing the same!!
ps – even albert einstein was dyslexic 😉 and eddie izzard is a transvestite and the funniest british comedian on earth!
Dear theblackpool13,
You are not alone. It’s normal and healthy to be very confused about our identity (in all its forms) during the part of life that you are going through right now. Don’t allow yourself to be labeled by any diagnosis. A diagnosis is just an opinion, it is not your identity and it is not who you really are. Just because you are not getting good grades in a standardized school system, does not mean you’re stupid. It means you are not standard, and believe me there are very few people who are. You could very well be a genius but in a manner that is totally overlooked by the standardized school system. One day you will find your own genius, so please do not be disheartened. Keep on searching for your soul and what it truly is. Go through whatever you have to go through in life and gather experiences. But stay smart and stay safe. Believe me it only gets better as you get older and figure yourself out more and gain more courage to show your true self to the world. Alone time is great for soul searching but please do not isolate yourself completely. Find out what you like to do and go out and do it, even if just by yourself without your usual friends, that is a way to make new friends, the ones you are meant to have but would not know if you keep to your room. However, I don’t know how old you are so please stay safe and don’t do anything stupid(!). Keep a lookout for yourself, don’t trust anyone completely until you’ve known them long enough (and I’m talking about years) and don’t allow others to abuse your confusion. I know it could be hard for parents to accept certain facts about their children. But what you say that you feel about your gender identity needs further examination to determine what is really happening and what you can do. Maybe you need to speak to your family doctor or nurse at school or maybe a counselor or psychologist. I don’t know who is your primary health care provider in your situation, you know better who to go to for help. But be careful and as I said above, be careful that others will not use your confusion to abuse you or manipulate you.
My heart goes out to you 🙂