Here is a condensed version of my story. Being alive is almost like a test of sheer willpower and strength. Sadly I’m losing this struggle over time, I really have no solid resolution to my problem. I wish all the pain would just go away. To understand me I’ll just have to give a little bit of my background information pertaining to my past. I am currently 20 years old, I was enlisted in the United States Marine Corp two years, I was deployed to Afghanistan, I saw a whole shitfest of horrid things that no one man should ever have to endure. I’ve been to two of my best friends funerals, I watched one of them die in front of my eyes. I tried to help but, the wounds where to great, so I moved him from the conflicted area and stayed with him until his last breath. I hugged him and couldn’t let go, I was covered in his blood and lost in thought until my superior snapped me out of it. I am still haunted with this vision constantly to the point where it drives me insane. I was fighting depression even before I joined but after those events it escalated to a whole new level. When I returned from that hell I tried to carry on as usual until one cold rainy morning I was walking to work and got hit by a vehicle when I crossed the street, they hit me and left me there. I laid there in pain and agony, I didn’t want to give up I wanted to see my friends and family again. Luck fully I came out with just some internal muscle bruising and a completely devastated hip. I was in medical rehabilitation for five months, and was released from my military service soon after because of psychological problems  (PTSD, major depression, and bipolar disorder). I returned home but, for what? Things haven’t changed I’m still unnoticed, alone, and unloved. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror, I typically spend my days sitting out front of my balcony smoking and watching the rain. Before the military though I came from a broken home my parents divorced when I was very young, I use to watch my father beat my mother daily. The one person I looked up to my grandfather when I was 11. I was in the hospital holding his hand when he passed. In school I was a complete recluse, loser, with only a few good friends. I tried to be social but, being an introvert doesn’t help along with being really shy and quiet. I’ve only had one girlfriend who of which when I returned from deployment caught cheating on me having sexual intercourse with another man in my household, god knows how I stopped myself from killing those worthless idiots. Aside from that I wish things would get better, I’ve been on medication but, refuse to take it because I don’t want to feel like a zombie, I have no one legitimately to talk to and refuse to even talk about anything with my parents or friends this is the first time I’ve spoken of these events to anyone. All I will say is I really do wish that vehicle that almost killed me did because I’m dead inside.
Live like there is no today, and die like there is no tomorrow.
8 comments
thank you for your service, i think your story is courageous. are there any fellow marines who came back from deployment you could talk to? i honestly think the best solution is to be active again. i know your health is poor, but if you can keep working and being active in your community, i think that would help the most!
Wow. Thanks for your story. There are literally thousands of people going through what you are going through post-deployment. I’m sure there’s probably organizations that could help you out. And I don’t blame you for not taking the psychiatric medications the side effects are horrible. I to struggle with staying alive. It’s like a test to see how much I can take. Life is like a living hell to me. Take care.
You have endured so much and u r only 20 yrs old. I can’t say that i know what you are feeling but i do sympathize. I am sorry for all the people you’ve lost, u r very courageous. I wish I could take your pain away but sadly I can barely help myself. I can tell u that staying at home and not going out just makes it worse. Perhaps ppl who can best understand u are ppl who are also ex military. I do hope that one way or another u find some peace. I’m willing to listen if u want
You are an incredible person. It makes me feel so much better to know there are people like you in this world. You’ve been through extreme and heartbreaking experiences, it’s no wonder you are having an extreme reaction. I wish I was smart enough to know how to help you. (but I’m hardly helping myself at the moment)
But ptsd – does counselling help at all? I read a book called Waking the Tiger – Healing Trauma. It helped me some but I have not been through anything like you have. But it did help me see my own reactions to trauma in a different way.
I agree with you about meds. For me – they don’t do anything and I just don’t like the idea of it. That’s just how I feel – nobody can explain them to me in a way that tells me they really understand exactly how they work. THey tried to give them to me in high school and I threw them away.
I also read a book called Unstuck. It helped me a little. Sorry, I don’t know anything really clever or helpful to tell you. I just really wanted to say something to you.
I’m glad you at least had that nice experience with your grandfather. Can you think about him more? Imagine what he might say to you?
<3 Thank you for your service. It was absolutely horrifying for you to endure, but you have taken part in protecting this country and protecting me. It's a big price to pay to protect this country, and you are a prime example of that. I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through, and there's no way in hell I could even try to relate to your feelings or experiences. I have been through depression and a few other things that haven't been scientifically diagnosed, so I can understand the pain a little.
You're a good person, and I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes right now. I can't offer much, especially considering I am speaking to you through the internet. I can only offer words to you, and advice if need be. I hope and pray you receive peace within your heart and mind and that you are able to become happy and healthy in every possible way. I am good at listening, and willing to help in any way I can. If you would like, and if it's not too weird, here's my email: sparrowknives@gmail.com.
I hope to talk to you soon.
<3
Hey, there is a really good resource for veterans:
http://www.veteranscrisisline.net
It has phone, online chat and text for veterans in crisis. Please check it out.
I can’t claim to understand what you go through and I hope you are comfortable talking to those who may have a better idea.
Take care.
I felt an instant need to talk to you too. I understand what youre going through, not that i lived it physically but lived some things that make me be able to understand it. I tried taking meds once, but they dont help and i only felt a bigger nothing, even my inside pain felt better than that.
Cant say i can help but i can offer you support, friendship even if virtual, if you think youd like that.
So, im leaving you my email (and i hope it doesnt sound weird either), hope we can talk soon if thats your decision: mena.greenfast@gmail.com.
Take care!
Man, you are a brave man. You deserve a lot better than what life has so far ‘reserved’ to you.