Well, went camping like I said I would, with the intent of hanging myself from a tree. Wound up with nosy neighbours who nearly caught me setting up the rope. So, came home to find some privacy.
Tried 3 or 4 times to hang in the bathroom, without success. The rope was too thick. Switched to a thinner cord, and lo and behold – success! Until I woke up lying next to the toilet. First wondering why I was lying next to the toilet – thought I’d given up trying and was just catching my breath. Then becoming conscious enough to realize my legs were kicking uncontrollably at the shower stall. Then finally seeing the broken cord. So, unconsciousness achieved. The wild, convulsive nature of the body trying to free itself – an impressive mechanism indeed.
Anyway, now that I’ve “failed”, time to see what comes next. Aside from a sore throat, a small gash on my tongue where my teeth scraped, and a bruised knee and foot from the short fall, I don’t seem to have suffered any permanent physical damage. Strangely though, the failure has given me pause. What next? I took down the remaining length of cord immediately, out of fear of a neighbour coming to check out the noise more than anything else. Not really in a rush to try that again at the moment. Ok, what next?
Going to see my best friend tonight, just going to put myself at her mercy. Assuming she doesn’t scream at me and toss me out, we’ll do whatever she suggests. Spend some time crashing at her place, go to a hospital (medical or psychological), something else? The idea of a psych hospital is somewhat amusing, as she and I have touched on that subject in the past.
The next steps to continuing to live, though, are going to be difficult. I quit my job 2 months ago, and am now down to about $300 in cash. I planned to have been gone by today, and didn’t think of the future. My credit card is maxed out, bank accounts are in overdraft. Won’t have June rent for the apartment, the car will be repossessed (already missed last payment), all my bills will go to collections. Looks like bankruptcy is a sure thing at this point. There goes my decent credit rating.
I really have no idea what my future now holds. Life in a psych ward? Homelessness (I once did 6 weeks in a homeless shelter)? No idea, but I suppose any set of living conditions are supposed to be better than death, right? Sigh. What now…
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To point it out, I’m not exactly sure why I haven’t just “tried again”. Surely success is close at hand? I admit I can’t figure out for the life of me why I’m not back in there with a new rope. Fear of winding up more severely hurt without dying? Some newfound will to live after being so close to death? Very strange to not know why.
“…and didn’t think of the future.”
Yeah… yeah you did. You thought of not being a part of the future. Now that your formula must be adjusted, you’ll have to “hack life,” in order to reach a place where the urge to exit becomes irrelevant.
I’ve had a few near-death experiences in my time… and it does tend to bring pause and alter one’s perspective a bit.
Honestly, at this point, i would suggest you enjoy some relaxed breathing and empty your mind for a while, and just… go with the flow. As long as something else doesn’t kill you first, you can always try again later.
Who knows. You might just learn something worth living through this mess you’ve made for yourself. Might i suggest keeping an eye out for anyone who might need help?
Well, I must say, sorry and thanks. This is so sick so please, please forgive me for what I’m going to say but fucking thank you for answering so many of my questions. Hot damn, man.
I have been wondering – I knew the body struggles when hanging but thanks to you, now I know. I have the same plan for hanging in the bathroom. Damn. Okay. So, stronger rope and more height. I also have a rig for padding / applying presure to the artery and vein in the neck. This would help me blackout before needing to breathe.
Thank you so much. (Smile.)
And, glad you’re here if this is what you want. Good luck.
I know we’re not supposed to discuss methods, which is why I left out the details. But yeah, if you’re planning to do this yourself, be careful. It turns out that when you read that your legs will “kick”, they really do mean KICK. It’s not some mild struggle, it seems the body really goes into a severely frantic frenzy to escape. As for rope, even though the “strength tests” passed fine for me, I advise not to use an ethernet cable. SNAP. 😐
LOL. Cable? Well, duh. (Chuckle and sorry). 😉
I expect if the ‘rope’ would have been stronger…
Keep in mind the cable was a fallback after the real rope wasn’t doing the trick. But yes… cable is a no-go.
Okay. Funny cuz I’ve seen photos / video of working thin cord rigging that worked. Feet need to be barely… I digress there (methods rule).
But, okay. Thinking now about a certain way of doing it. Then, trying to decide about whether to relay what’s in my head to loved ones or not. Would you want to share how you approached that?
I have been caught with a rope around my neck a hand full of about 20 pills in me and I am still alive… I am in college and in debt myself. I am still alive and all I think about is death myself even though I am around happiness I still feel sad just now I wanted to run across the street hear in mason ohio where traffic never stops.
@DawgMom – my parents are out of the picture, but I wrote short letters to my sister and my best friend. Just gave my reasons for why and asked them not to let my death have a continuing negative impact on their own lives. *shrug*
I’m a noob poster here so forgive my ramble….
I’m a hypocrite : It upsets me that people have the urge to take their own lives, but am hell bent on taking my own.
There is a truly gruesome suicide video on the web of some poor guy who offed himself by partial suspension, and yes he had massive convulsions.
I plan on downing a truckload of Valium to counteract this.
blah9085: Ah, yes. A note. I have flip-flopped on that. I have some on my computer – but as many have posted – will it leave more questions than answers? Or, more guilt and anger? A dilemma, indeeed.
I wish there was a way to get all my last / most recent thoughts out of my head and somehow conveyed to those I care for. But, who has the energy to write? It takes all my energy to live another minute at this point.
I think to do it, you have to be mad. Really. Mad, as in quite ill. I think I am getting there. And, I think it’s okay… bliss (smile).