Beauty Behind Pain

There is just something about causing pain to oneself that is so beautiful. Cutting has always been my out. But it’s been taken away from me in a difficult way. 

Two years ago my life was changed forever. The person I thought was everything to me tore my heart out and never gave me a reason behind it all.  We had been best friends for 7 years and together for 4 years. We were always together for everything. After he refused to have anything to do with me, I decided to take things into my own hands. I was living on my friends couch because being alone was too hard. The night that changed everything I was alone and decided to be alone. I had it all planned out, I knew when my friend would be home and I knew I had a couple hours. So I grabbed a new, beautiful razor. Oh how I loved the sharp piece of metal digging deep into my skin. This night was different then all the others though. I drank allot of beer and took that razor start down my little wrists letting the sharp do all the work, watching the gorgeous crimson tears pore from my wrists. As I sat there letting my wrists bleed out, I knew being drunk was going to help since my blood would be thinned out. Everything was premeditated except my friend coming home early from work and bring another friend.

The last thing I remember was telling the cops that I can’t afford an ambulance and I would ride in the front with him. Once I was in the ER, they left me alone for 1 minute too long and I took that wonderful razor right back out and dug deeper into my wrist making sure I hit the vein in one last moment to die. Unfortunately I was caught too soon. They stitched me up and sent me to a psych ward were I spent 72 hours figuring out my life. I was forced to sign a paper that said if I was to hurt myself again I’d be sent to a 6 month commitment house.   

I love the self inflicted pain, there is nothing out there that is ever gonna make me feel alive like trying to die.