bloody ending

the end isn’t what matters. Living is.

If you were to make an accurate incision, it would take minutes. These would be the longest and most horrible minutes of your entire life. The despair you feel in this moment is nothing, compared to how you will feel if you change your mind once it’s too late to stop the bleeding. Should someone find you bleeding out, unconscious, there’s a chance you could be saved, but a high risk of brain damage, resulting from lack of oxygen to the brain. That’s the point of the throat cut method. It quickly diverts blood flow, deprives the brain of oxygen, causes unconsciousness, and should be relatively quick, relatively less painful than other methods… BUT, it will leave a huge mess, and between the cut and the loss of consciousness, there will possibly be minutes of absolute panic and despair. And, if someone manages to find and save you, it’s possible you might wake up in the hospital with a broken brain, unable to function normally or even understand this world.

You don’t really want to die. You want to live without your recurring misery, and find a way to be okay again.

I think you actually defined your own source of the problem: you don’t want to spend your whole life feeling as bad as you do… but you have to deal with it first, before it can subside. The only way is Through… not around or away. You’re not actually “dealing with it.” You’re trying not to deal with it. Deal with it. Maybe if you give yourself more time and try harder, you could make peace with your tragedy, and learn to live beyond it.