I love her dearly and I feel so calm around her; basically the mom I never had. Talking to her and getting her hugs is so relieving for me…but she’s not my mom. And I don’t want to burden/scare her by mentioning I’m suicidal.
But, I don’t know how else to reach out to her. I’m embarrassed that I have no one else and I also don’t want to overwhelm her. I really just see her as the only person that has the ability to help me.
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if you told her that, you would be hospitalized that day
You guys obviously hve a lifelong bond, because you both loved and lost a huge part of your lives, She’ll understand, love overcomes everything and she’ll understand, plus you probably mean lot to her and she wouldn’t want to lose you too because then that would be extremely overwhelming because she would feel like she lost a daughter again, you are probably a reason she’s fighting to stay alive aswell, your guys’ hugs give each other hope, you should sit down and talk to her, I’m here for you too morenomari1@yahoo.com
When you feel you’ve had enough, can’t take anymore, and need to make a choice… it comes down to whether you want to reach out to the person you feel can help, or not, and possibly push yourself past the breaking point. Or… perhaps you feel some sort of empowerment from protecting her from the burden of the truth of your despair.
Then again, you didn’t write “should i tell her?” but “how do i…”
You’ll have to accept the fact that, to the typical person, the topic of suicide is both frightening and controversial. It’s not usually welcome news.
You could try the direct approach, and declare that you don’t want to burden or frighten her, but that you feel like you need her to know how you feel. Just try to consider the relevant factors of the situation and this person’s personality, and… if it’s what you think you need to do, then do it as diplomatically as possible, but with the understanding that telling someone you are suicidal may not have the most desirable results.
@meaty14–
Why do you think that?
And do you mean telling her I’m suicidal, or telling her she’s the only one giving me hope right now?
@clevername–
I want to tell her that I desperately need her support righg now because I feel she’s the only one who could help, but I just feel too vulnerable and overbearing saying so.
No…I definitely don’t see it as a source of empowerment to not tell her, although I’m not necessarily sure I understand your reasoning with that statement.
I know it will probably scare her so I don’t want to tell her I’m suicidal but rather that I’m very lonely, confused and depressed right now. Either way, I feel likea burden for asking for her support when I’m not a family member.
Some people… seem inclined to attempt to master their own burdens, and doing so while sparing others from those burdens, makes them feel strong… or tough… or something, i guess.
You say you’re not necessarily sure you understand my reasoning with that, but… there you are, with your own words, claiming you want to avoid scaring her, and don’t want to cause her a burden.
So, perhaps your motivation (or rather, your reluctance to share pain / ask for help) is not about empowerment, but is still about mitigating the impacts that sharing your problems and asking for help, may have on that other person.
It makes me feel weak to “resort to” asking for help… or even accepting it, when it’s offered. “Real Men” aren’t supposed to ever need help. But sometimes it’s better to let people help you, or even ask, instead of struggling against something you can’t handle alone. Traumatized women also tend to experience that same sort of “i don’t want to need help” mindset, and even offering can elicit some interesting responses.
I’ve known a few people who seemed to feel empowered by refusing needed help and by feeling as though they were protecting others from their burdens, by not talking about it… and i guess i saw some similarities to that, in your words, even though i can’t be sure that’s what’s going on in your case.
Sometimes you have to upset people to get what you need. Sometimes people aren’t ready for what you need them to know. Sometimes you have to do it anyway, because you need help you don’t want to need, from someone you don’t want to hurt by asking, and telling them how you feel.
Well, topically, yes my reluctance to share my feelings with her is because I don’t want to burden her, but the true underlying reason is because I’m afraid of her being overwhelmed by me and then abandoning me because of her frustration. I don’t want to feel like a burden and be pushed away. Very painful for me.
You’re very introspective but, I think I see a bit of transference in your theorizing of me–putting your own perspective and feelings on another. See, I’m a girl, so I have no problem asking for help necessarily, but rather I feel vulnerable and afraid of being rejected for my feelings. I was a difficult kid, very clingy and threw tantrums when people would leave me. So, adults frequently became frustrated with me and I took that as “I’m bad.”
Not having parents fucks with your head.
Anywho, the whole feeling prideful about protecting someone from your intense feelings, is a very masculine problem. Men in our society, it seems, feel under enormous pressure to hide their true feelings and put others before themselves to the point of a kind of self-abandonment. Very sad. Especially when I see all of these wonderful men with communication issues.
I doubt she would abandon you because of frustration. If anything, it would be because of excess anguish from her own loss.
However, in the absence of complete information, one must rely on reasonable approximation. It’s not necessarily that “i think you’re such and such,” but more that i’m attempting to understand “you,” through a combination of how i interpret your words, and all my potentially relevant personal experiences (which obviously have nothing to do with you at all). So i think diagnosing transference might be overstating it, but isn’t surprising as this society has become burdened by the prevalence of endless psychoanalysis and labeling everything as a “condition” of whatever sort. It’s funny though, because i’m usually the one readily identifying “projection” from others.
I’m just trying to relate, and maybe help if i can. I’ve dealt with some women who apparently felt the need to behave in masculine ways, such as “being strong” and wanting to be perceived as independent and not “needy.”
I also understand, at least partially, the natural feminine vulnerability aspect. I personally would say you shouldn’t be afraid of someone rejecting you because of your feelings, especially if it’s someone with whom you share a personal bond… but i can’t speak for everyone, so maybe people do reject others based on their feelings.
You get into some complex territory here, and i have some ideas i’d like to share in this realm, but it just seems so… well, complicated, for lack of a better term.
Honestly, if you think you need to talk to this person, you should probably try… but be mindful of how you articulate what you want to convey.
Something a cool person i knew, once told me: “the answer is always No, if you don’t ask…”
@clevername–
No, I’m completely aware of your intentions at trying to undertand me. I wasn’t implying that you were judging me or being affirmative in your explantions. I know because I do the same; analyze people and such.
Yeah, transference isn’t a condition, more like a common psychological happening; what I meant by that though, was that you were simply telling me how you would feel in that situation instead of coming to a conclusion from my words. It can be done. I only say it was transference because it was very clear to me that what you were suggesting to possibly be my true feelings were not only wrong, but echoed your own, and many other men’s, fear of seeming emasculate. I usually hate throwing out psychology terms as people but, this time it seemed appropriate.
You seem interesting, remind me of me lol; enjoy an intellectual chat sprinkled with some healthy (friendly) debate.
Idk, I pushed away a lot of people with my neediness in my younger days. Now I try and suppress that part of me because I know it makes people back away when I need them most. Which actually leaves me pretty emotionally starved I guess. Or maybe them pulling away is all in my head (lately, as an adult at least).
I want to but I’m so frightened. Like you said though, I’m sure there will come a point where I am in such desperation I either go over the deep end or try and reach out to her–my last hope.
If i said i was trying to spare someone from the burden of understanding my problems… i would actually mean that i don’t feel like dealing with attempting to explain complex ideas to someone who probably can’t appreciate them, and would instead, likely judge me negatively by their own flawed and misunderstood perception of me. I’d rather just skip that whole hassle altogether. I’d rather avoid attempting to explain anything to someone i think can’t or won’t understand. Kinda callous, kinda selfish, kinda faithless… but that’s the result of sticking to my principles of preferring to share the truth with everyone until i find someone who doesn’t run away from it, rather than pretending to be whatever people like, just so i can have a bunch of fake friends… who will ultimately bail when i need them most, when i need them to understand a complex truth they won’t like.
But yeah, sometimes i like to pretend i’m all noble and selfless and “sparing people from the burden of my problems.” It just sounds better that way. People get upset when you preclude them based on a predetermined perceived inferiority. I’ve been on the receiving end of that preclusion, without any chance at redemption. I know exactly how much it sucks. But, like anyone else, i reserve that right. I just try not to abuse that right. I try to base it on reason, instead of being totally shallow, petty, arbitrary or superficial. I’m pretty accepting of people’s flaws, able to consider alternate perspectives, and “be understanding of” people. I think it’s fair to be fair to people, and so i like to give people at least one fair shake. Not everyone does that. No one is obligated to be fair.
I try not to judge people too early… but sometimes, as with my own principles, the truth is revealed right away, and it becomes clear that time is wasting. But still, i try to be polite, and if someone insists that my perception might change based on information i haven’t yet received, then i usually give them a chance to prove it. I’m not one to embrace willful ignorance. I’d rather know, so i can respond as appropriately as possible, rather than being mislead into mistakes that could have been avoided with the revelation of important facts.
But it all gets so complicated and tedious, i sometimes just avoid interaction entirely, because i expect, due to repeat experiences, that nothing worth so much hassle will ever happen. Or, at least, that it is quite unlikely… and that if it ever seems like it could be more, then it’ll probably be obvious… in which case i would gladly pursue it.
I think that if talking to this person means enough to you to post here about it, then it’s probably something you should try to do.