I still remember it.
As if it was just the other day.. But it wasn’t.. It was a while ago. But I still remember. My first kiss.
We hung out a lot that summer.. Doing a whole lot of nothing.. But just being with her gave me a good feeling.. Sometimes we’d play video games, listen to music, watch movies.. Or just sit and talk.. I miss those days.. Before everything became so complicated..
She had a thing for bitting.. She bit my ear a lot.. Eventually moving onto biting my nose.. When ever shed go to bite my nose, I’d tilt my head up slightly to make her kiss me but she’d turn away and smile at the last second..
She was cute like that.. Coming close enough to tempt me, but always left her self room to back away.. But this one night.. I wasn’t the one kissing her.. She kissed me..
She had started bitting my lip a few days before.. Not often, nor very hard.. But soft and gentle.. And loving.. I really liked her.. I still do.. She meant a lot to me, even with her imperfections, and her little trips.. I looked pass it all and saw the beautiful personality lying on the inside..
When she started biting my lip I could tell it would happen soon.. I had always thought I’d die alone, and never get my first kiss, my first girlfriend, or even my first dance.. But she put this all out of my mind. I completely forgot about it around her. I felt like the luckiest man alive.
This one night happened that changed everything. It changed me forever. She pinned me down on the bed and I didn’t resist. First she bit my nose, then moved her head down and bit my lip. I looked deep into her beautiful eyes and knew what was about to happen.. She turned the bite into a kiss. My first kiss.
My life would never be the same again. She made me think that there was hope for me. That I wouldn’t die alone. That night I deeply fell for her. I had previously told her I loved her and I truly thought I did, but I had no idea what love was. Not until this point at least. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. She actually kissed me. She made my mind wander and go out of control. A feeling I’ve never felt before.
I finally felt love. And I felt it towards her. No one else, just her. With a tilt of her head and a two second kiss, she had changed my world and impacted it with more force then anyone before, and anyone to come.
I loved her more then anything, but being the fuck up I am, I fucked up. I let her slip through my fingers, never to be kissed by me again.
And now I’m jealous of every guy that hugs her, because for that short second, they hold my entire world, and yet most of those assholes don’t even care about her. They look right through her only thinking of her sex appeal without a second thought of the amazingness that lies deep inside.
She truly is astonishing. She doesn’t deserve the shit she’s gone though. And the guys that put her though it don’t deserve her either, and that includes me. But I can’t just let go and move on. There’s something more that attracts me. Something that I don’t understand and can’t change. So I just sit and wait for either her to forgive me or for myself to get over it. But I’m not so sure I want to..
6 comments
Wow man that’s beautiful. Even if you feel you could never get over her, at least you shared something that amazing. Why feel jealousy for those other guys? Surely they will never experience something so profound by her if their motivations are so shallow, right?
My first kiss was to my best friend’s neighbour who was drunk and angry at her ex-fiance. Her mouth tasted like rum. I envy you man.
I feel jealousy because shes amazing in my eyes and even if there motivations are shallow there still with her while i sit here, not being able to take my mind off her.. but thanks 🙂
That was literally the most emotional and best thing I’ve ever read. I’m so sorry for the pain you must be going through :/ If it helps, I’m also going through the same pain (I had just written a post on my first breakup actually, I advise you to read it so you know that you’re not alone on this pain) and I lost my first kiss to my gay best friend on a dare.
Let me share with you this thing I read on Tumblr that honestly touched me:
“My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was not hurting you doesn’t mean you did not notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.”
I too feel as if I’m going to die alone. Just thinking about someone actually “liking me” is ridiculous, but hey, things happen for a reason, I guess. Although, I feel like that reason is never going to come, I’m sure you will find that special person later in life 🙂 Don’t get so caught up in the past because you might miss that next amazing girl in the future. Stay strong! I’ll be here for support if you need it <3
I would really like to read the post on your first breakup but I cant find it :/ That post from Tumblr is pretty deep to.. But to be honest, I don’t think you can compare someone who you really love to a tooth. I mean if you truly loved them, you wouldn’t let them go, no matter how much pain they cause.. And again, thanks for your support 🙂 i really means a lot
It’s a post titled “Why can’t I let go?” I’ll try to link it on here if you’d like 🙂
And yeah, I do admit that you can’t compare someone you love to a tooth, but the meaning is still the same. If you truly did love that person, then why would they be causing you pain in the first place?
And you’re very welcome 😀 I hope you’re feeling better today and I’ll be here for help if you need it! Stay strong and safe<3
http://suicideproject.org/2013/05/why-cant-i-let-go/
Ah but maybe the fact that you love them is what hurts so much. Maybe that fact that they can let go and move on so quickly, while your left to drown in your tears from faded memories is what causes that pain that digs so deep.. Try comparing that to a tooth 😉