I finally got a job, which is wonderful. It’s helped me get out of the house, fill up my time, keep me busy and not feel so lonely. But the thing is… they are all so judgemental. It brings me down sometimes, I mean if they are talking about others like that, what are they saying about me?
First things first, I am a cutter, however I have always cut my legs, and the ones on my arms are done in such a way that they are either hidden or they just look like an accident. Anyway, there was a girl working for us for about 3 weeks. Her arms were FULL of scars, still healing and every time I saw her, I would gravitate to them. It was really triggering, and I was some what jealous of her. I mean they looked amazing and all I had to show was some shitty little ones on my arms. So she is being fired… she lacked confidence. I do too, guess I just know how to act like nothing is wrong, but I am sure she will learn.
There is another new person on the bar, haven’t officially met him yet, but I asked another girl about him… And she said he was a ‘rat’, she didn’t like him much… then said at the end, he had scars and cuts ALL over his arms…. Again, a tinge of jealousy, I mean if mine were big enough I am sure she wouldn’t have bagged out someone with scars, to someone who has them too.
I felt like such a failure, such a loser. Then I felt like anyone with scars or cuts were being discriminated against. It’s really not fair at all… Just because we cope differently doesn’t mean we are bad people, or weak. We just cope with razors or burns.
Just feel so inadequate.. I can’t pretend to have never cut… but now I don’t feel like I am part of the cutting community, I feel lost and so weak. I don’t belong anywhere…
1 comment
Mm. I empathise. I don’t really see the difference between cutting and smoking or drinking, either.
To be honest, I don’t think it’s something most people give a lot of thought to. It seems to be a visceral reaction, mostly; people recoiling on instinct to tangible signs of hurt like scars or blood. I mean, smoking isn’t good for you either – but no-one gets to see your lungs. Maybe that’s why people can occasionally accept that it’s your own business, even if they don’t approve.
For the record, there *are* people who will “bag out someone with scars, to someone who has them too”. Who knows why they do it? But there are also people who notice the scars and, when you try and confess to your self-injury like it’s some kind of deep dark secret, go: “well, duh, but I’m still here and I always will be”.
Don’t give up hope. You *do* belong somewhere, and there are people out there who will surprise you. Believe in yourself and keep looking.