i don’t even know what to write. i had a kind of crisis within myself today. i do’t really know what happened. i just fell. i felt nothing and then i felt sick and then i just .. i dont know. and the person i reached out to got very angry at me. and now wont answer my calls. and i keep thinking i cant feel worse,and then i do. this is worse than the despair, sadness, worse because it feels empty, void of feeling , even bad feelings. the only thing i feel is fear.
no, i do feel llike crying. i am not even making sense anymore. i feel alone. really really alone. even from myself.
why is this happening to me? why?
i know. same for everyone.
just, i usually have some little something to hold onto.
i guess ill just go to bed
nothing matters anymore
hope, where is hope
im so tired
weak
this person told me to get my act together, everyone has shit, he does, everyone does, and that if i kill myself i dont love him, and he will forever think he has failed me, but at the same time telling me it will be my fault he will be this way. maybe he is right. i dont know anymore. i dont try to hurt him, i DO try to get better, he says i dont try hard enough, or if it was some other guy in my life i would try harder. this is selfish, but it seems when i reach my worst point he abandons me. but then i am talking about abandoning life. but it feels like he is not there for me, i reached out, and he just got mad, he did try but … i guess he is right. im weak weak weak ,,     just a crap day  i hate myself right now, ireally will go to bed now.
6 comments
Listen, people are assholes sometimes, and selfish, but you’re not selfish to want someone you care about – who you thought enough of to turn to first when you needed someone – to be there for you. And not to blame you for feeling how you do. That’s not selfish. That’s human.
It’s hard as hell to get through depression sometimes, and it sounds like he probably has a little of his own to act how you say he acted. It’s not about trying harder. If anyone needs to try harder it’s the guy who told you that you need to get your act together. You’re not weak, you’re human.
Oh thank you. I just read what you wrote 3 times, and if I wake in the night I will read it again. This is very comforting to me right now. I really can’t tell you how much.
It’s a cold dark night here, but you’ve given me some peace – and I think I’ll just try to put my head down now and get some sleep. thanks orangish. Another soul out there understands and for now that’s enough.
I know exactly how you feel, been feeling the same way even more lately.
Just sayin’.. imagine if he came you to with the same problem and you responded the same way. I don’t think he’d like it much. It’s really not your fault he acted how he did. 🙁 I hope you have a good night.
I hope you wake up to a beautiful morning and feel better. Maybe he has calmed down by then too. Wishing you the best. I know how hard it is when a person you reach out to gets angry instead of understanding. Then again, maybe they just can’t comprehend what being suicidal is like, if they don’t have that problem.
Thank you every one. Here it is 5 in the morning. Thanks riddick, yes it sucks. I’m so sorry you or anyone have to go through this.
I know orangish, and this happened once before with him and he said I didn’t understand what it was like for HIM, and imagine if things were reversed. And I said, then I would stay up all night with you, I would just hold you, or be there for you, talk to you, whatever you needed, and he was like, “oh” . And he’s left me a message after not returning my calls he will call me tomorrow, when things have calmed down basically. Cheers for that! He said if I felt suicidal why would I call him? Why wouldn’t I just do it? The fact that I had to explain this to him…
Thanks fancy. You’re so sweet. Thanks for your lovely thoughts and wishes. Yes, some really can’t get it. It is the most awful feeling of… Well. You feel so alone with it, which is why this site is so good. thanks.