Silence is bliss!

Fresh out of a Psychiatric Ward and a survivor of five suicide attempts I brave the courage to write to whoever will read my silent struggle. A story of betrayal, loss, emptiness, exhaustion, Lies, heart- break, anger, frustration,broken skin and yet in all of this….hope.

My story traces back to my childhood where physical, verbal and emotional bullying played a part of my everyday life along with a confusing home life. Being thrown out of my Mothers ex partners house along with my sister at 10 (ten) years old was just a minor factor in my already stressful….and yet somehow happy young life. In a class with no-one to call a friend, no-one to have a word to or have a shoulder to cry on was deemed to be normal to me. My only best friend was next door, behind the room dividers and yet, so far away….

I won’t take you too far back to when I was seven years old and witnessing the fight that brought on my parents separation with my Mother being Thrown to the ground while trying to ring for the Police and then a screaming and crying me thrown over my Fathers shoulder while he tried to walk out with me, there is little time for that! Oh, I won’t tell you about the time when I was 10 years old and that same class I mentioned before made a plan for the boy I had a crush on to fake ask me out to humiliate me!

Year 7, when I was 11/12 years old was some of the best times for me. Finally good friends who didn’t put me down! real laughs! a developing interest in my now passion for music! My Mother with a brand new Man! It didn’t matter to me that she found another guy after so many men before. I felt he wouldn’t leave me, my sister and mother and I’d finally be able to trust a Man in the household again! Oh, the times where bliss! My Mum also too was healthy… psychically once again and we where no longer broke and almost going hungry!

But alas all good things must come to an end. In year 8 the so-called friends that had come into my life turned against me and betrayed me in some of the lowest ways possible by faking to be friends with me, stating they hated me everyday and where friends with me to “be nice” and for their own benefit, beaten, kicked to the ground in the canteen line for laughs while people around stood and laughed themselves until they where red in the face, going from group to group because I was not worthy for them, Nails dug into my skin until my fragile skin bled, spat on and teased/humiliated in my class and by anyone else who wished to have their input.

Trying to hide the bruises from my Mother and her Partner became an almost daily task and to explain why I wasn’t eating and dropped weight was a little harder! Those fake smiles and laughs everyday made my face ache! I withdrew from the activities I loved and instead of screaming out my struggles like what my mind was telling me to do I kept all of the pain on the inside and took it out on my family by being dark, snappy, a little aggressive and just miserable!

So instead of facing my problems and trying to talk to the staff members at the school again ( most of them did shit all!) or trying a new school I ran away, basically to my Father and Step-Mothers place to start a-fresh at a new home and school. So I started year 9 at a new school thinking it would be the best for me, but yes the physical, verbal and emotional bullying cranked up yet again! Being hit in the stomach a few times including in-front of the class as they stood in silence,being thrown to the ground of tables, going from group to group, being teased and humiliated and very little people to talk to. I was thinking “It’s never going to get better!” ” who am I kidding!?” “What have I done!?” And there was when I had my first suicidal and self harm thoughts…at 13 years old.

Towards the end of year 9 my situation improved drastically with a new massive group to hang out with and brand new loving and caring friends, new music to listen to, real great laughs and my first Concert Green Day to look forward to in that December! You would not believe how happy I was! Year 10 was great, a few hiccups but hey nothing bad! And what I did of year 11 was great too, besides me losing weight again due to stress and wanting to return to my Mothers again.

Half way through year 11 I left school to attend TAFE and study Events Management/Hospitality Certificate III at 15 years old. Entering TAFE at 15 I was nervous and yet excited and proud for what I had done. I met friends there including one who I shall mention a little later in this story. I felt an out-cast but had people to sit with and there was no bullying! at 16 years old and after completing six months of study I received my certificates.  I was over the moon!

Yes, bad situations arose again with March last year my Pop being diagnosed with Cancer, Failing my Marketing Certificate IV and knowing I was failing, feeling more of an outcast, feeling exhausted, un-motivated to even get out of bed, seeing no point in life, hating myself and self-harming for the first time by making a hole in my belt with scissors and realizing I cut the inside of my fingers but realizing how good it felt, so I kept on going until my fingers bled. AH THE SATISFACTION! Also my home life was becoming worse with my parents drinking and fighting with me, putting me down, screaming at me and fighting amongst themselves.My first two suicide attempts occurred with me trying to drown myself but sitting up in the bath at the last moment. There where good times too last year with hanging out with my great friends and talking to one great friend who I could tell anything to and he’d be there to pick me up, to make me laugh, to speak about the most random things with……I ended up developing a crush on him…he was even there when I went to the Hospital for suicidal thoughts, he told me he believed in me…I still have those texts to this day!

But one dilemma….he had a Girlfriend. I guess we were both confused with our emotions and wanted to feel loved and wanted so started play-flirting with each-other and pouring out stories of our lives. Things where brilliant and he was one of my best friends until his Girlfriend found a conversation between us and he said how he’d deal with it is by cutting of contact with everyone and that he wouldn’t speak to me for a while. All of a sudden…he was gone. The last text I got from him was “what did you say to my girlfriend!?” “REPLY!” “SERIOUSLY,REPLY!” But I did not reply as I was on my way to the Emergency Department for the second time with suicidal thoughts. I said this to the nurses and believed it…”sluts do not deserve to live!” “I pushed him away!” “What have I done!’

The grief of losing him, TAFE becoming stressful, my fear of storms, withdrawal from the world and my home-life becoming  led to my third suicide attempt (I don’t remember where the second one fits in,but it did happen) by trying to strangle myself with a wallet chain and over-dosing on my anti-depressants. I informed one of my friends who phoned the police without me knowing and they showed up at my doorstep. I guess I had to tell my parents my intentions then! I then went to the Emergency Department for the third time and the assessed me, gave me extra numbers and said I was fine to go, and I agreed as I wanted to get out of there! I was then released the third time from staying overnight. Also, I was taken of my anti-depressants too.

The last attempt I made was due to the stress of my step-mother having a bipolar episode and my Father being stressed over that, storms forecast again, missing that one friend greatly, feeling that my pain and suffering would end and that my death would be justifiable and sick of looking at my small yet irritating self harm scars  I made the decision that I was to die. The next morning I tried to slash my wrists but the knife ended up being blunt and tried to strangle myself three times but was un-successful. During this time I called emergency lines but was very un-satisfied with their response, which motivated me to die more!

I then got a Taxi to my Aunties place who took me to the major city hospital where I was assessed thoroughly and admitted to the Psychiatric Ward for at least a week with possible Bipolar or Personality disorder. I stayed in the ward for 6 days and was dismissed with no diagnosis and told I was too hard on myself and needed to love myself more, which….I do believe. They mentioned to too take more pride in the Certificate IV in Community Services I’m doing. I am trying to see pride once again!

To the readers of this I assure you that I have not heard from that Man who was once my best friend for nearly two months and deal with the fact that I have no way of contacting him or knowing if i’ll ever see him again, my Step Mum is still having the bipolar episode, I’m having regular Counselling which has been happening since August last year and slip into self harm thoughts but this past week I urge you all to please, take in the beauty of nature, feel the warm sunshine on your faces, listen to music that revitalizes you, dress how you wish..I wear all black! and know that people care. Yes, you may not feel it and feel like a lost and doomed cause…I know but you will at least know that I’m here to listen. From being in a Psychiatric ward crying and nearly hyperventilating from being told that my Mum and Sister where moving house without her partner…who I get texts from and then them drugging me, I can assure you that I’ve been there.

My situation has improved in the past couple of days an I’ve been able to open up more….but I’m not out of the woods yet!

I feel I have forgotten a lot of my life, possibly due to trauma, I’m not too sure but to whoever contemplates suicide or Self harm or is about to or thinking of attempting please, do not give up! speak up about what you’re going through! people do care and if you have no-one, phone up and talk! Please! you’re too precious and valued to face this! you may not feel it, but you truly are!

So keep holding on!

Much love, that_weird_kid xx