Even though I’ve been on anti depressants for almost a year now, and I have had my dosage upped twice, the depression persists. It figures because it’s chronic. But where I used to feel that at least something better was around the bend, now I feel like each passing year worsens me as both a person and a functional human being.
I can’t bring myself to meet goals or requirements. I’m always tired and I rarely feel good. I’m lonely, but I can’t make strong connections with anyone. I try to reach out but it’s never the kind of fulfillment I need socially. I haven’t had a mutual crush in years. Any feelings I develop for someone are rebuffed more or less immediately, making me highly aware of how undesirable I’ve come as I get more and more depressed, and less and less ‘new’.
I don’t care about things, but I do. I’m ridden with guilt every time I miss work or school, or flake on an agreed appointment/social outing. It happens a lot. Mostly because I haven’t got the energy, or I convince myself that I haven’t. Doing the daily stuff is this tug of war in my mind. Part of me just doesn’t care, the other part only cares because it knows other people will. I hate letting others down.
I want to die, if only because it means that things stop, but I can’t really go through with it. My mother needs me. I wish that she needed me in a way that involved her actually spending time with me and putting us first, though. She knows I’m not well but she has her own life to live. She doesn’t realize I’m living mine just to keep her sane. This July she takes a trip to our hometown, or at least mine. We haven’t been back in around 5 years, but she decided to take her boyfriend (whose abuses and issues I could go on about ad nauseum, but she will never leave him, so it’s hopeless) and not myself. I can’t help being bothered by it, since the return to Montreal should be something we share as a mother and daughter. She’d rather be around him. That’s what it seems to come down to. She claims she doesn’t put him, her house, her garden, and everything else head of my needs–but most of the time I’m always the first priority to get dropped.
I guess I sound whiny. I am whiny. I’m a depressed, whiny 24 year old, and that’s a big part of why I can’t meet anyone.
I feel like a loser, and a future cat lady.
Montreal in the Spring time sounds romantic. Maybe you can meet up with an old flame in your hometown. Or bring a boy toy along with you. Thanks for sharing a part of your story I hope you feel better.
“…but she decided to take her boyfriend… …and not myself.”
I kinda feel that telling her how wonderful it would be, to enjoy something she’s been excluded from, might not be helping very much.
It’s hard to need someone who understands what most don’t. It’s hard to find someone compatible amidst the chaos. If you don’t know what to look for, or how to find it, you’ll remain at the mercy of pure random chance.
You can adjust the odds into your favor. Learn to count life’s cards, and even stack the decks, rather than just hoping luck will deliver your desires.
It’s hard to build a stable life on a foundation of fantasies. Fantasies are better used as motivation, once you have a solid, stable foundation on which to build a life that reaches for your goals.
Try not to judge yourself according to what your mom thinks/does. It seems you’ve already realized many ways in which she is wrong.
I just really want to say that I relate so much with the third paragraph it’s ridiculous. I’m sure lots of other people did too…but then I read how old you were and well me being 10 years younger than you just made me realize how ungrateful I am. Here I am talking about myself again but I understand how your mum’s attitude is of worry and how it affects you but just maybe she has issues of her own too, I know this is not something you want to hear but just maybe and even though you say you are only alive for your mum which maybe the case but I am truly glad you are and proud you have held it together for so long! 🙂
Can’t you consult a psychologist? I think it would be grate thing to do. You need to find your sense of belonging and you seeking it from your mother which is normal but you need to learn to live for yourself and I think a psychologist can help with that. The moment you live for another human it becomes easier to want to end your life but don’t you think it is unfair to end your life because of someone else? That person will carry on with life while you dead so don’t do it! How about you suggest doing things with your mother instead of whining? Tell her you love her.
YCST: I’ve been seeing counselors for over ten years and the issues with my mother come up quite regularly. I can assure that if counseling and medication were all it was gonna take I would have been feeling better a long time ago. Seeking belonging is something I’m constantly doing, but the issue is not who or where I am looking, the issue is inside of myself, and since I have chronic depression it is very likely that this is a problem I will be dealing with for most if not all of my life. I’ve come to terms with that, even if I dislike it.
I also talk to my mother about how I feel all of the time and am very clear about how much I love her. But it doesn’t mean that I’m okay with everything, or that I shouldn’t have a place to whine about it that doesn’t include putting the burden of my feelings on her. XP. I already try to tell her how much things bug me enough as it is.
Also, the reason why I am *not* ending my life is because of how much it would hurt my mother, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I’m suicidal, I’m not planning a suicide. My point was that I don’t really feel strongly attached to my life (or even enjoy it most of the time), and if she wasn’t going to suffer, I would probably be dead already.
existing_ :Thanks for the comment :). You probably aren’t ungrateful, perspective is something that waxes and wanes. Sometimes we can see clearly, but when we are struggling with emotional problems it’s often quite difficult to separate your rational mind from your emotional one. At your age it’s especially normal and as long as you can show that you love someone, that’s what is important.
My mother does have a lot of issues, you’re right. She was burdened with a mother who neglect and abused her, and was adopted so she already carried the natural ache of wondering why her real parents didn’t keep her. She’s since met her biological family and we all visit with each other regularly, but by the time this had happened she was in her late twenties and was a drug addict. She’s always been an addict and sadly I think she always will. It can be very hard to accept that about somebody you love and depend upon, and so I still struggle to deal with it even now.
I wish you all of the best and I hope that you can continue to find safe outlets for your feelings.
clevername: You’re correct of course. I’m always trying to remind myself about the pettiness of many of my concerns in the grand scheme, and of all the lucky breaks I have had in my life. I don’t like the idea of ever becoming too absorbed in self-pity and while being depressed like that makes it difficult, I try to “count my blessings” whenever I’m recovering from a bad bout of mood change.
It is very difficult to find anyone who can live up to the standard of ‘getting me’, when I’m a different sort of mess every day. It’s part of what I’m trying to come to terms with, or work around, lately. Because I’m so lonely for a romantic partner but I can’t really fairly expect one to be willing to jump into a long-term commitment with a severely depressed person and a ton of baggage, I really get into these spirals of self-deprecation.
I don’t know whether it’ll change, or when, or how. Ultimately it all winds up with me playing WoW or watching a new TV series to pass the time and let my mind settle.
Thanks for your input and best wishes!